Y’all have no idea how much hope this little flower brings me. Days are getting longer and are sunny and bright. Little flowers are popping up. The gloom of winter is finally departing..

Thank you guys for all the bedroom setup advice!! Someone pointed out how heavy a tub full of water is, so maybe bunk beds would be fine. Several people mentioned that Gen will want a full eventually too which honestly I hadn’t considered. She’s such a tiny peanut it’s hard for me to picture her in a big bed. Alyssa and George have always been giants, they take after my side of the family while Gen takes after Justin’s. I like the lofted bed idea but only saw a twin option, I’m sure there’s a full option. We’re going to a furniture store this weekend to look around.

Such a weird week with the kids not having school Tuesday. Normally days off are chaotic and crazy but the kids were all in a great mood, we had a slow morning and then played outside the rest of the day (thank Gd for rain suits).

Being able to go outside again is such a parenting game changer. So, so, so thankful it’s above 40 degrees and staying light until 5:45 now. We played outside from 3:30-5:30 this afternoon and everyone came in tired and happy, we had a peaceful dinner and bedtime and everyone fell asleep quickly.

We registered Gen for MWF next year (instead of T/Th). Mainly so I could get more done/potentially focus on a career, but also because it’s been so good for her. But something I didn’t realize until after we signed her up was Justin gets every other Friday off…so we can have day dates twice a month. We have had exactly three dates outside the house since we moved here (I remember them well.. a movie, out for drinks, and a cemetery walk). I think it will be so, so good for our relationship. Especially since life has been absolute chaos since we moved here 20 months ago (fixing up the house, adjusting to life across the country, but also so many freak medical things/minor surgeries and one major one).

I am doing all the things right to manage my ADHD (sleeping enough, eating well, daily exercise) and it helps but definitely is not a cure. There was a moment last year when George started sleeping through the night and it was my first time sleeping through the night in 4 years so I thought my ADHD was cured just because I had energy again…so naive. I took a wellness class at a yoga studio a couple nights ago and we had to sit down on mats and listen quietly. And the room was quiet. Everyone seemed so quiet and relaxed, just sitting still. And listening. I tried to listen and tried to stay still but I am a leg shaker. My brain was zipping around in so many different directions. I just cannot think in a straight line unless I am physically moving. I didn’t even realize how bad it was honestly until I saw everyone else be so normal and calm. Yikes..

Help me make a decision. Our girls (4 and 7) share a room. Currently 7 year old is in a twin and 4 year old is in a transitioned crib. We desperately need to get Gen a new bed. But this our dilemma: Alyssa wants a full bed. The room is quite large (identical to our living room actually, it’s directly above and the same dimensions). But a full bed and a twin bed is kind of bulky/won’t look even and they will lose a lot of floor space. Justin is in camp each girl gets a twin bed, end of story. And yes, growing up we all had twin beds. But nowadays a lot of kids have full beds, even from the start, especially up here. All my friends’ kids are in full sized beds. Anyway Alyssa’s reasoning is that she can’t sleep well because she’s afraid of falling off her mattress, which is a completely valid fear because she tosses and turns a lot and she is very tall for her age.

We’ve looked at bunk beds, Justin thinks the weight will be too much on the upstairs floor (our floors don’t seem super stable). A trundle bed is also an option, but Justin and multiple friends feel like it’s not fair that Gen technically wouldn’t have her own bed. But the plan isn’t to stick Gen’s bed underneath everyday, they play a lot on their beds and I think it would give them a lot usable space. Both bunk beds and trundles have full/twin options.

I overthink everything and can never make decisions. I guess we could put full sized bed in the corner and twin against the long wall and maybe I need to just move on, that there isn’t a perfect solution.

Anyway. When they excavated for the retaining wall two things happened.. our side and back lawn were annihilated but we also gained a large bonus space in the back. We are desperately prepping the side and back lawn to lay sod and to pour concrete in the bonus area. And I say we, but so far it’s been me digging up rocks for 3 hours a day. Which I kind of enjoy and it’s the best workout ever, I think I’m just so glad not to be trapped inside the house anymore.

The bonus area will be a circular firepit area. I was thinking stone or pea gravel, but Justin is set on the concrete. It won’t be the prettiest but I like that the kids will have somewhere flat to ride bikes/scooters. When does one even lay sod in MA? I know fall is the more popular option but I can’t survive spring and summer with a mud pit again.

Cookie season is officially over for our troop. It’s our first year/first cookie season. We thought we would make about $400. We made about 4k after the cookie debits. That is insane. But we do have 30 scouts so I guess it’s not super shocking. We actually don’t even know what we’re supposed to do with the money. We make the parents pay dues to cover project supplies, per Girl Scout rules (there are a lot of rules). And I know we are supposed to donate the donations (but that’s only $150). I know I did field trips in scouts, I’m assuming cookie money covered those. We are all just so surprised. I know we can save it but seems sad not to use yearly because then the girls who leave the troop/help earned it won’t benefit from it. I’m sure we will use some and save some, but we definitely have enough to plan a really fun adventure with our scouts!

I’ve missed this space. Now that things are back to normal I hope to post more often.

Where to start? My ankle was screwed back together on December 8th. Almost immediately the pain was gone. I lost a lot of muscle in my left leg so I started PT once I was cleared to weight bear (about a month ago). I don’t know where I’d be without PT honestly. My ankle still freezes up between sessions but less and less as time goes on.

My eldest was diagnosed with ADHD and qualified for an IEP. It’s been a journey but I finally feel like everything is going well at school and academically. It’s frustrating to me that ADHD is so often viewed as a “behavioral problem.” I do feel like the culture out here is a little less understanding of neurodiversity at times (not the school system, they’ve been great).

George has been working up to longer days at school which he loves, and he’s doing well currently. Overstimulating environments have been tricky for him but that’s understandable.

Gen has grown up so much this year. She is very serious and talks a lot, but also has all the emotions.

December and January were mostly hell. It feels so good to be able to walk again, non weight bearing with young kids was truly a nightmare. So many things we take for granted, like how to get an object from room to room.

I still volunteer with the local mom group, but I don’t attend as many events now (I just haven’t had that kind of energy since fracturing my ankle). Girl Scouts has been very time consuming but fun. My fellow troop leaders and I talk every day and they’ve become close friends.

I’m 20% done with my real estate classes and hope to finish the first week in April.

I am still obsessed with New England, even though it’s been cold and dead here for almost 5 months now. The days are now staying lighter for longer and there has been some sun even, I feel my soul returning to my body.

Anyway. Life is good. Leg is almost back to normal. Kids are doing well. Justin and I like each other. We have a lot of fun yard projects planned for the spring and summer. We’re coming out of a rough season and I’m grateful.

I fell down the basement stairs and shattered my fibula above the ankle a couple weeks ago. It’s been awful for me but more so for Justin, who has been the primary caregiver for the kids, pets, 15 chickens in freezing conditions, and me—all while working. Gd bless him.

My mom flies in tonight and I am so glad that there will be someone here to help. My surgery is tomorrow and once everything is screwed back into place I should be on the up and up.

Anyway. The point of this post is to explain small town vibes. Everyone knows and has been so kind. People have dropped off meals, groceries, a knee scooter, cookies, Gatorade, balloons, gifts, cards, etc. My kids’ teachers have emailed me asking if I’m alright. A person from our bank called to let me know they could drop off anything I needed. It’s been really heartwarming and I love my little town so much.

The Israel-Hamas war is taking up a lot of space in my brain. I’ve had constant anxiety since everything started and instagram is jarring with all these photos of war and then photos of fellow Americans blissfully unaware, or at least unaffected.

You know the saying “it’s a small world”? Well it definitely is in the Jewish community, every one of us knows of someone that has been killed. Thank Gd we do not have family there like so many of my friends do.

Anyway.

The twins turned four today. I haven’t had time with the current chaos (their birthday party, Peabody’s eye appointments, and in-laws in town) to dwell on it much, but I am deeply saddened that my babies are no longer babies.

I threw a large party for them and in hindsight, I probably invited too many people (but I didn’t want to exclude any of my friends with similar aged kiddos). It was fun but also pure chaos. Pure chaos. And lots of shots of cinnamon moonshine which I’m not even sure how that happened honestly. Have I turned into my parents, throwing large parties and encouraging day drinking and shenanigans?

Peabody ulcerated his cornea and it has been miserable (mainly for him, but also for me) we’ve had appointments at least once a week for two months now, two procedures, and a surgery and nothing has worked. They want to do another surgery that is 4k that they promise will work but man who has 7k just laying around? Dogs are so expensive, when he goes I can’t see getting another one for a long, long time.

I am in such a weird place mentally right now. Devastated about the war, sad about the birthdays, stressed about Peabody’s eye, drained from a crazy past few days of getting ready for the party, going to the county fair, the party, going to the zoo, celebrating their actual birthday. I could sleep for a week.

I am excited about this weekend though (lots of fun things planned) and about my friend crush (she’s super cool and we have so much in common). I’m even a little excited about Justin traveling next week. I desperately need space to process my feelings, and also I am happy to not have to share the tv because I need some dopamine via chick flicks.

I keep having two recurring thoughts lately.

1) What was it like to be primary parent before the internet? I feel so connected to the parent community through this moms’ group (which would be nearly impossible without the internet, we have 3 social media pages and a website where we process membership fees and sell tickets to our events), and almost everything else going on in our community I discover through Facebook. I’m starting a new Girl Scout chapter in our area and I’m doing that through their website and connecting with other interested moms through various Facebook groups.

But my mom did all this stuff without a computer and without a smart phone. She was a troop leader and was part of a babysitting co-op and was always connected in our community growing up. I guess she just made a lot of phone calls from our single house phone. No one talks about this anymore, but I so remember waiting until my dad was off the phone so I could use it and the luxury of getting a second phone line in junior high. I remember calling popcorn to know what time it was because our clocks were never accurate. I remember calling the movie theaters to check showtimes. And the newspaper. Man, I don’t remember the last time I saw one of those.

2) I also keep thinking about how functional I am as a person these days, I’m doing so much and getting so much done and I keep wondering why it wasn’t this way for so long. Sleep. Sleep is the answer. I didn’t sleep much when I was on hormones while ttc, didn’t sleep much going through IVF or while pregnant with twins, and they both didn’t sleep through the night until very recently. June? July? I look back at that period of sleep deprivation and dang. That’s a rough way to live. I was sleeping probably 5 hours (sometimes more, sometimes less) a night for four years. I really need 7 to function my best the next day. But I was held to the same expectations as someone not up half the night with littles that couldn’t or wouldn’t sleep. I just can’t picture doing it again.

Shana Tova! Made some round challah for the Jewish new year (Rosh Hashanah). Traditional raisin for Justin and cinnamon for the kids.

Justin took Alyssa to services this morning (we joined a synagogue up here and suddenly have become more religious). He came home, made a kugel, and we went to a friend’s house (who is also Jewish with boy/girl twins through IVF).

There was a boy there, he was 10 years old. He had dirty blonde hair like George, and his same pensive blue eyes. He walked around inspecting things like George does. Sometimes his eyes got big when he found something he was curious about, like George’s. It was surreal to watch. He didn’t talk to anybody, or play. He just kind of watched everyone and tinkered around, like George. It was comforting, to see a kid with George’s tendencies grown up and doing okay at a large social gathering. It was also sweet, because I adore George’s quirks and maybe they’ll stick around.

Anyway.

The twins were waitlisted for extended day, so no para job, which is disappointing. But they’re still going to transition George to full time, which means I could put Gen in full time and I could work 20 hours a week. My friend’s company might be able to work something out, the plan is to interview there late September. I need to work on my computer skills.

I started reading again and dang I forgot how enjoyable it is. It’s the ultimate escape. Justin leaves Monday, neither of us are excited. We’ve had a really good past few months together, and I like him a lot these days. It’s been chilly the last couple days and feels like fall, and I am very excited to say goodbye to the hectic summer.

So. For this job to work, George would need to be bumped to full time (which the head of special ed took care of), Gen would need to be bumped to full time (which isn’t a roadblock because they have to have a spot for staff’s children), and the twins would need before care for 45 minutes and after care for 75 minutes.

They told me they didn’t have accommodations for George in the extended day program.

Which, okay, but they put him in a mainstream classroom this year. And told me he has been doing well. So I don’t see what the issue is and I am taking it personally, because all I want for my son is to be treated equally and that is rarely the case.

Also, the extended day program is at full capacity, so even if they did allow him in, they don’t have the space.

Perhaps they will move me to the preschool (which would be more convenient but I don’t want because G&G are in different classes and both are very clingy and it just wouldn’t work). Or perhaps the superintendent’s assistant or elementary school principal can fight it. Or perhaps they could shorten my hours to accommodate my lack of childcare (doubtful). But I am assuming it’s not going to work out.

Which leads me to this. What is their solution? They are severely understaffed. Living wage here with no children is $21.35, the job pays $21.02 (living wage for two children here is $61.58).

Just being honest, Genna’s tuition would have literally been more than half of my take home pay. That is ridiculous.

I don’t know how they’re ever going to fill these positions, because most SAHMs return to work when their kids go off to kindergarten. And kids in college have classes during the day. And someone who doesn’t have to worry about childcare could make more money working 40 hours a week year round, vs working 6 hours a day 185 days a year.

Sigh. These poor kids don’t have the staff to thrive. And there’s no solution.

I got the job 🥳🥳🥳

My man is home.

My friend apologized.

My house is clean and my kids went to bed early and I’m going to put on my pajamas and make popcorn and maybe a cocktail and watch Back to the Future because I have never seen it before and it’s on my bucket list.

Soo glad last week is over and next week is a fresh start. I’m hoping I hear either way about the job on Monday. I might not get it purely for logistical reasons (G&G would need full time spots which could potentially require another staff person, which would be basically the same job I’m applying for, so potentially canceling each other out). I’m driving myself crazy over it, and I wish I could have some chill.

I went for a short A-line bob and they chopped 13 inches off. I wasn’t expecting it to be above chin length but oh well. Justin hates change so I knew he’d hate it and he does. I don’t really care, when he shaves his beard I’ll take his hair preferences into account. I actually kind of like it. I feel free. It’s fun to style. It goes well with red lipstick. Maybe I’ll add some short bangs to it. I love retro bangs. I love anything retro really.

Ugh. A close friend and I got into a big argument earlier and it hurts my heart. Honestly, friend arguments are the worst. I much rather fight with my husband or my mom, because that’s charted territory and I know we’ll get through it vs friends there’s less certainty.

Justin comes home tomorrow evening and I am very, very excited. The twins’ first week of school was a doozy and we are all tired and grumpy.

As I predicted, I didn’t hear anything about the job before the weekend. Which worries me, I realllly want it. I’m hoping it works out, I so miss that feeling of contributing to the greater good of humanity.

That’s pretty much it. Friend thing is super bumming me out. Job thing is super stressing me out. I hate the not knowing of it all. I always struggle when things are up in the air.

Glad it’s the weekend, I need a reprieve.

The amount of frogs here has almost reached plague status. With all the rain that has been happening (we’ve also had light rain every night this week) there are so many where we live, they jump on my car while I’m driving, it’s impossible to avoid them. They’re like the giant grasshoppers from Texas summers.

Anyway. When the massive toads get ran over it’s super gross and I’m super over watching my dog eat dead frogs and having wet things jump on me when I walk across the lawn.

And, a moment I’ve had actual nightmares from, I drove home late from a date with myself. I drove slowly to avoid the toads. When I parked in my driveway some giant toad leaped in front of my car. I decided to look underneath the car to see if he made it. Guys I’ll spare you gory details, but it was a frog and toad graveyard under there. Very disturbing.