ships with height differences <333

a gallon of milk but with this kind of cap:

quick suggestion

let me raise you an idea ive been keeping for years, just for this moment

The unholy trinity.

only the finest culinary experiences for my followers

this bread tiny

yeast

Friend: how do you say i love you in german

Me: ich liebe dich

Friend: i also love dick

das ist so traurig alexa spiel 99 luftballons

when I was 14 I worked in a grocery store and one day I got to bag Stephen King’s groceries and of course, being the little horror fiction nerd I am I was completely starstruck

I think he thought I was gonna ask for an autograph because I was not even lowkey staring I was full on moon-faced and bouncing and he kept looking over at me hesitantly like aw jeez kid fuck off

anyways I finally managed to squeak out that I was a huge fan and asked for advice on writing, “how do I write as well as you do?” in my horrible thick German accent and broken ass English and he gave me the best writing advice I have ever received

“shit kid, stop worrying about how other people do it and just write your story”

14 years later my wife and I nearly hit him with our car because he was jaywalking

However you think this story will end is wrong

is germany okay

*giggle giggle*

“Oh Scheiße!”

*more giggles*

Bruhhhhhhh 😆😆😆😆😆

i love that even though he was introduced and then killed off within 10 episodes, Lil Sebastian left a bigger impact on the entire show than Mark Brendanawicz did after 2 fuckin seasons

things to take * a nap * it easy * care

* on me

* me on

judgmental farmer: why the heck did ya name yer dang horse Mayo, son?

my horse Mayo: *neighs*

What the fuck?

well pardner, I named my horse Mayo because horses are inclined to neigh, and “Mayo neighs” sounds like “mayonnaise” which is my favorite condiment. this kind of complex humor is hard work but so is farmin’, and I get a good chuckle out of it. that’s just the kinda farmer I am

fuck dude it sure is

the verse just makes this better though

Galatians 4:16 “So now have I become your enemy by telling you the truth?”

THEY SHOWED ME THIS VIDEO IN HIGH SCHOOL BIO

THE PROFESSOR LITERALLY HAD TO REWIND TO THIS POINT BECAUSE WE WERE ALL LAUGHING SO HARD

it took nine seconds for me to fully process what i was watching and then i started LAUHGHING

I would be dead

I HAVE NO WORDS

(ALSO this seems to be the op, on youtube)

Omfg the way the truck fucked up, fucked up perfectly

I am in tears omg

I ONLY JUST TURNED ON THE AUDIO AND OMG BEST DECISION EVEN THO I RBD LIKE 5 TIMES BEOFRE NOW

Yes it’s back on my dash!!!

Omg the audio

Finally reblogging with source. 

Like, is interesting enough just watching it, but hearing him is the epitome of comedy

This video makes me laugh harder every time it’s on my dash

tHIS IS TOO MCUH

this was the best.

My boss, who is a grown woman with children my age, just whispered, “Oh, this is going to be so fucking efficient,” before spraying Febreze directly into the ceiling fan and proceeding to cough her guts out when it blew back in her face.