Some highlights from the many videos made by “Crime Pays But Botany Doesn’t” aka the only good youtube channel

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I ever tell you guys about my ethically dubious radio show back in college? The Mad Dad Hour?

it was an entire radio show built around perpetuating a very simple joke, but it was uniquely powerful in its capacity to prompt the reaction I was looking for.

so my slot was at the tail end of rush hour, and i got a fair number of listeners/callers who were on the way home from the office. And like, I had a lot of callers, who almost all wanted to request songs that really didn’t fit with the aesthetic. I had pitched a power pop show when i got my slot, but the callers were not having it; they invariably wanted classic rock.

this made sense in a way. if you think about the demographics of the people who listened to the radio for music in 2010 instead of their ipods or cds or whatever, you’d expect them to skew older right? accordingly, i quickly realized that almost all of the people who called to request songs were Dads of a Certain Age. It was honestly annoying at first - I’m all for most classic rock, but that wasn’t what the show was supposed to be.

And so one day, when i was feeling particularly annoyed with requests that just didn’t fit thematically, i came up with the joke that rapidly became the only reason I kept the show going. Per station rules, I had to play a certain number of pre-recorded PSAs during my show, and before I cut to one I was supposed to read out the song titles and artists for all the music i had played before the break. So this one day when i had to inform the world before the break that the song they just heard was, per a listener’s request, Hey Jude by the Beatles, I decided to do a goof. I said:

“and finally, that last song you heard was Hey Jude, which was of course written and performed by the Rolling Stones.”

I barely had time to get the ads going before the phone started ringing. See, I had been assuming people would realize i was making an obvious joke by claiming one of the most well-known Beatles tracks was a Stones song, but i had failed to consider that my listeners were mostly 55-70 year old dads who were irritated from a long day in the office.

And when those dads heard me, a millennial woman, get the artist of an extremely well-known beatles song WRONG???!

they HAD to call in to correct my ignorance. never in a polite way either, it was condescending and annoyed or nothing. and like, they were just SO personally insulted by my inaccurate reporting that it took a massive amount of effort for me to avoid cracking up during the call. I had never understood why some people would enjoy trolling random strangers on the internet before, but in that moment, I understood the appeal entirely.

obviously i did it again right before the next commercial break, immediately after playing Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen David Bowie.

the phone immediately began to ring.

“ARE YOU AN IDIOT?” one of the callers began, “DAVID BOWIE???? THAT WAS QUEEN!”

“I thought David Bowie was the lead singer of Queen though?” I replied with as much innocent earnestness as i could conjure.

I could hear an intake of breath as the infuriated boomer on the other end of the line struggled to figure out where to even start.

And thus, the Mad Dad Hour was born.

@eduards-stuff I kept doing the same joke for an hour a week for an entire year, and the dads NEVER caught on. After episode 1 of the new format I started taking the angry dad calls on air, which added another layer of hilarity to the whole concept.

My friends on campus knew that hay I was doing and enjoyed tuning in, but only one actual listener ever figured out what I was doing, and he was literally a random 30 year old guy from the netherlands with access to an early internet connection radio service. He was possibly my only actual fan. I only know about him because he went to the effort of making a skype and paying for international service so he could call in, and while I got a few calls from him, the first remains my favorite:

People keep commenting along the lines of 'why does a penis hieroglyph even need to exist?' and I'm gonna tell you now...it crops up a lot:

No, really, it crops up a lot:

These are only a small selection of words it can turn up in. Hieroglyphs aren't emojis. They have consonantal (sound) values, so if that sound is needed, or the sign is the correct visual metaphor, then the sign will be used. This is why the dick hieroglyph will show up in the word dick, and also in the word for 'to be correct'.

Okay, so... what sound does the penis make??

The sign known as D52, in Gardiner's sign list, has the consonantal value that transliterates (the code we use to translate Hieroglyphs) as 'mt', which is why most of the words above contain 'mt' in some shape or form. The one's where it doesn't is where it's implying 'male' or in the case of donkey...well if you've been around horses and donkeys you'll know. Thing is, with Ancient Egyptian, we can't really fully reconstruct how it sounded because it's a dead language. So we have to piece together varying bits of information. I can say 'oh it's pronounced 'met'' but it's not fully accurate. That's just how Egyptologists verbalise this particular set of consonants.

Is there any way I can retweet @ebonykain 's reply without context?

But more delightfully, this means…

sorry but i just cant get over the fact that the words for "semen" and "gift" are,,, the same word..,,,,

Semen and poison are also the same word!

As are ankh 'sandal strap' and ankh 'to live'

Though tbf, the ankh symbol is itself representative of a sandal strap:

Re @thatlittleegyptologist​ ‘s tags

I like your shoelaces, did you steal them from the president pharaoh?

*hisses*

this image is slaughtering me

ANDREW GARFIELD as Peter Parker in THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012) dir. Marc Webb

Fun fact: According to Greek legend there was a famous prostitute who managed to avoid a death sentence by showing the judges her boobs and arguing that it would be a crime against the Gods to destroy something so beautiful. 

Before you ask, yes there are paintings of this. And yes, they’re amazing.

Read more.

I love history.

Role models tho.

The gay one

No, but this is one of my absolute favorite bits of history! 

The courtesan named was named Phryne and she was indeed a renowned beauty, and was indeed was put on trial for a capital crime. And yes, the sum of her defense consisted of her stripping in court (helped by her lover/defendant) and asking the jury (all males) if they were prepared to destroy this. 

But this is actually a very interesting case of Values Dissonance - the capital crime she was accused of was blasphemy. In Ancient Greek society, exceptional beauty was a sign of favor from the gods, and they took the idea that beauty indicated goodness with great seriousness. They even called their nobles Kaloi k'Agathoi, “the Beautiful and the Good.” 

So by showing off her great physical beauty, Phryne was being very clever indeed, her argument essentially being “How could I possibly commit blasphemy if the gods have given me this body?“ 

God, I adore history. 

”If these tits are legit, you must acquit.”

since most people who can wear them are (correctly) continuing to wear masks even when it's not mandatory i feel like we should start getting more creative with it. like where can i get a venetian carnival mask or something that lets me practice safe social distancing and avoid facial recognition software in style

me and the girls on our way to the gas station 7/11 to pick up some chips and slushies

Another stupid Chicken Nugget video going viral, here’s the link to the original

@horse-is-a-horse-of-course

Not to have opinions on supernatural still but Castiel was WAY too good of a character for that show

Like. “Angel who comes to earth to enforce his orders of apocalypse but gradually rebels against heaven and becomes more human because he’s fundamentally a being of love” is playing second fiddle to like. Two fuckin dudes. Just some fuckin guys

its been 6 months and im still not over this. easily best and most hilarious play in baseball history

for those who dont really understand:

-the first baseman had no reason to chase Baéz, if he just stepped on the bag he was automatically out

-theres two outs, so if hes out, the inning is over. even if the runner on second base gets home, the run doesnt count. its not until hes safe at first that the run scores

-theres no specific rule in baseball about running backwards from first, just that you "cannot retreat to home base" meaning so long as if you dont touch the plate, its fine

-Baéz ran backwards to kill enough to get the run to score, and then stole and extra base on the base on the bad throw

-HE TOOK THE TIME TO UMPIRE HIS OWN PLAY AND CALL SAFE

what a fucking sport yall

“Ariana Grande is in Fortnite!!” yeah well Billie Joe Armstrong is in Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland (2005)

*schlorp* OHOHOHO *shklump* AHAHAHA

I cannot stop watching this

yeah i heard jesus is gonna kiss everyone on christmas day this year

it's true it's in the bible

Pearl Ships Sculptures by Ann Carrington

Entitled  “Galleons and Feathers,” Ann Carrington‘s passion for collecting vintage knick knacks and old pearl necklaces from junk shops aided her creation of her majestic galleons. After watching a documentary about a Chinese pearl jewelry, Carrington decided to construct her project in the Spring of 2014, once she acquired enough pearls. 

To begin the sculpture, she weaved bracelets, bangles brooches, tiaras, and other ornate jewelry pieces on a metal structure to accentuate the shape of the ships, which sit on an opulent and glamorous sea of pearls. Called White Cloud City and Wing Wo Wave, the ships are named after two pearl factories in China.

we are already living in the cyberpunk future and i know this because within a span of 3 days we went from this tweet:

to thousands of people making phony images and replying to them with their passionate desire to have them as a tshirt to overload the bots with nonsense and junk and send out warnings to shoppers like this:

and now we even have people replying to pictures of baby yoda with “i want this on a tshirt” knowing how ravenous disney is being with copyright in hopes to get the stores taken down altogether

i dont know what it is about stuff like this and the whole turn mei into a symbol of hk protesters thing but, its really reassuring for some reason

And the next step…

https://teezyli.com/

Holy shit y’all look at the front page of the site right now

Oh my god

Anyway, I just emailed tips@disneyantipiracy.com to report the site for very evilly stealing Disney’s IP! Because obviously that is very evil and bad and shit.

I’ve never seen such a perfect example of fighting fire with fire.

Holy fucking shit

I’m DYING.

More accurately

The next generation…

https://www.gizmodo.com.au/2021/10/nft-bots-tshirt-online-twitter-war/

This is like a “you gotta get a box of cheese, a mouse, and a cat across the river” puzzle except the goal is to get them all to eat each other somehow

aint this how we got protestantism

INDULGENCES...

2!!!

i don’t know what’s funnier

@apocrypals