fergalicous def

i sent this photo to one of my friends 

with the caption ‘motherfuckin bubbles. you best envy me’ 

and all he did was reply with ‘ARE YOU NAKED????’

i was like, ‘what??????????no???’

‘who the fuck takes a bath naked are you mad ???’

my officemates and i were arguing about the difference between a mouse and a rat so i googled it

and there we go

the difference is a rat plays jazz

Apparently this locket I found is meant for THE WHOLE SQUAD

booty pics are an art-form and i have serious respect for anyone that can do them well

i think its dumb if drug dealers get sentenced to longer in prison than rapists?? like people ask for drugs but no one asks for rape???

Reblogging for the 1 million time because fucking realest thing I’ve read on tumblr.

LOOK AT HIM HE IS THE TEA

This is the most accurate gif of Florida I have ever seen.

 ”What the fuck?” 

She’s not even scared, she’s just mad and confused.

baby gators are basically confused sharp bunnies who wander into other people’s pools for a dip and some sunbathing and might gnaw on u. mommas are the scary ones.

confused sharp bunnies

i’d argue that you don’t even have to worry about mommas.  alligators are literally stoners.  like don’t fuck with their stuff and they’ll just chill and leave you alone.

i grew up in florida. i was riding my bike once and managed to fall over and into a swamp full of gators and they just stared at me like ‘what the fuck did you do that for?’ they are some of the calmest creatures ever.

Alligators have not evolved in two hundred million years.  They’re too lazy.

Tips for living alone

Buy a bat (I have my old color guard rifle) or similar. Keep it in your room/near your bed.

Get a lock for your bedroom door.

If you’re moving into a new place, change the locks. Who knows who had a key to your place before you.

Keep your phone/a phone in your room.

Get a weather alert system set up. App, weather call, little weather radio that tells you about major weather events.

Adopt a pet

Wave at your neighbors. Take note of the ones that make you uneasy. Watch out for kids always.

Be nice to your mail person. No matter what.

If you choose to drink/etc alone, unplug your wifi router. You’ll thank me.

Have extra seating. People sit when they visit. Your one comfy chair is great for you. Not so great for you + grandma + ur five cousins, your aunt, and a couple others.

Learn the self-Heimlich

When you take a shower, bring your phone to the bathroom in case you fall your phone is no longer halfway across the house, it’s just on your counter

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Idk what else

If you live in an one-room apartment, put a screen around your bed. It’ll feel less like you visit people, esp. strangers, into your bedroom. Also you’ll feel much safer sleeping in the enclosure. Cook enough for a few meals each time you cook, and freeze the extra food. That way you’ll prevent things from expiring and it’s great when you don’t feel like cooking or have no time or energy for it.

Give a key to someone near you trust, or hid it somewhere few people will look, like up in a tree. Shutting yourself out isn’t nice, esp. not at night. Put something translucent like curtains or stickers for windows where people can walk past or look in. You’ll feel less watched that way.

Put some contant money somewhere in your room. Good to have in case your bag gets lost or stolen. 

Feeling lonely? Remember, online contacts are not less valuable.

I would say maybe set reminders for everything too. Taking meds/vitamins, working out, going to sleep, waking up.

Buy a small fan for white noise at night if you’re the kind (like me) that gets anxious at all the little ambient noises that ANY building can supply in the dark. Don’t watch scary movies in the dark by yourself, with no visitors. NETFLIX, if you can afford it. It’s also useful because you can watch movies / shows with your online buddies at the same time, miles and states and (sometimes even) countries apart.

get an app like safetrek. never walk into allies or empty streets if there is a more populated/well-lit route to your destination. keep emergency contacts in your wallet and a red cross card with your blood type on it in case anything happens. carry a list of medications you’re allergic to, if any. 

walking around with a headset or headphones discourages people from yelling at you on the street, and it’s easier to escape from hasslers. however, it’s pretty advisable to not have anything actually playing so you can be aware of your surroundings. if anything, have it at low volume.

if you get grabbed on the street (this used to happen to me a lot), immediately scream, and the person will usually get startled, giving you time to get away. 

if you feel like you’re in a really bad place, call someone, or even pretend like you’re calling someone. say where you are. act like you’re planning on meeting up with them. be loud about it. make it seem like someone will notice if you go missing, even for a little bit.

also u should look up manufacturer’s coupons like damn i feel like a successful suburban mom every time i walk into cvs and save 2 dollars on my toothbrushes

PSA PSA EVERYBODY NEEDS

this is the best pun in tv history but oh my gosh the feels

I LOVE PROGRAMMING

when u steal a pencil in class

I just. Want someone to feel this way about me.

Edd’s big mistake.

He was floating near us and enjoying himself, until he realized he floated about 10 feet away from us and was gripped with UNRELENTING PANIC.

BRB D E A D

I am morally obligated to reblog all kitten vines