reveries

The suspicion is that I’m having a reaction to the study drug still and they want me to go to a specialized ED to be examined and I just can’t get myself to drive there today and I feel like it’s an inappropriate use of resources to go to the ED for a non emergent situation, but there isn’t really any other way to be evaluated by the correct people. I am volunteering at the expo tomorrow morning, taking the train in, so I can go after that more easily at least but I’m annoyed with the weekend train schedule (I need to arrive 1h25 early if I want to be on time) and that I can’t bring a bag or valuables with me so what am I supposed to do when I inevitably need to wait a few hours at the ED!! Or when I need to wait in the morning? I wish I could fit my kindle into a fanny pack

I confessed today. I think my conscience feels better, but I still feel like I’ve broken trust AND lost a security even though Jill did not freak out, did not become harsh, and said that I told her, so it’s okay. It was really stupid and impulsive and then I danced around saying something which clearly meant I wanted to say it…I was concerned that the longer I waited the worse it would be.

I’m leaving in less than a week for my trip. The more I read about it the more anxious I start feeling. I don’t feel physically at peak form, but also can’t be that unfit if I was able to do an 11 mile hike without too much exertion the other day. I have never really been at altitude so I have no idea how I’ll react, I also decided I don’t care if people consider medication somehow ‘cheating’ - like who am I even competing against for that to be said??

Something is wrong with my digestion and I don’t know if this is like psychosomatic or if there is some cause I can specifically name. I want like direct instruction of what I need to cut out of my diet to prevent it, but I’m too scared to do a stool test and I don’t want to be diagnosed with IBS or do an elimination diet. I still feel somewhat dehydrated and almost like I have a fever so I am typing into the void about it because I don’t know what to do to help!!!!!!!

Today Jill said she doesn’t believe in palliative care for me which I was kind of irked by because I don’t think we are understanding it the same way, but she was meaning that she has a lot of hope for me. I guess that’s nice and better than if she didn’t have hope for me, but I don’t have all that much hope for me so. We talked a lot about the time between Chicago and the STU and how abandoned and hurt I felt, she had different memories and perspective on the events which was really just more upsetting and getting me angry and upset. I don’t know that I’ll ever be over it.

Still listening to this podcast series…I am wondering about this philosophy of chronic illness and how I might be able to apply it to depression/suicidality? Like to perhaps view it as chronic illness and to focus on my own goals to reduce suffering rather than someone else’s preconceived ideas about what recovery looks like. What would this look like? Jill is listening to the same podcasts and told me today I should definitely listen to 2 of them that she thought would resonate with me, so she is hearing the same words as me. The way she treats me has certainly morphed over the years and I find her now open to hearing me - while also balancing not giving up herself on me, I think.

Saw a cheesy suicide prevention post and rolled my eyes so that’s where I’m at today

Listening to a fantastic podcast about AN/terminal AN/palliative care. And I attended an ethics case conference at work today. All of this is so interesting to me and actually engages me and stimulates thought. Jill said that I seem to be truly interested and turn over stones she wouldn’t have thought of. I am pretty sure I disagree with popular opinion in the field here but whatever. I know it’s colored by my own experience and wishes for autonomy, I think my voice is still worth hearing though

I was talking today about how to speak openly and honestly about death/SI. I often feel like I’m in a conundrum - like when you’re out in the world the threat of hospitalization is hanging over you, and when you’re hospitalized you’d think you would be free to say anything yet you also can’t because in order to be able to leave you have to not project active suicidality lol. So when am I supposed to be honest? Jill said that she thinks in the past couple years she has changed how she views and reacts to this and that her tolerance has gone up - that there is this understanding that acute severe ideation always loses intensity with some time. I have just always wanted to feel and be heard. I finally finished listening to a podcast episode on MAID and they talked about how being able to have candid conversations about death can really help patients (and that in the context of legalized MAID, they can do this). I am realizing this (being able to talk about it) is what I want. I wonder if I have it to some degree? I may actually be able to speak a lot of my mind at this point and have someone who will hear it? But a major difference is that while I can also still plan it, it wouldn’t be sanctioned, and it would have to be completely on my own. I am also just fascinated with this aspect of medical ethics, Jill is encouraging me to look further into education or a career in this…I can’t figure out what is the real difference between suicidality and desire for MAID? If someone dies by MAID, their loved ones generally don’t consider it suicide and are offended if you call it that (instead it’s just an accelerated death from the illness, on the pts own terms) but isn’t that still what it is, at its core? Death by your own hand - regardless of the circumstance - isn’t that still suicide? Why does active suicidality exclude you from being offered MAID? How does that make sense? Everything I think about this topic just turns over more questions - many that I can’t answer or disagree with popular consensus on…my views are clearly clouded by my own desires and personal experience but I don’t think that should discount them entirely. I am understanding that suicide leaves a lot of pain in its wake - all death does. Would it be any better for psychiatric MAID to exist here, so that it’s less sudden? (Not considering the considerable risks involved with legalizing that and potential for harm…) why aren’t we allowed to choose when we die and the terms of it?