wake up babes my new obsession just dropped

”I bet Jesus won’t save you from-uh

my

bullying

😏 ”

Congratulations! You are now a Magic-User!!

eleventh plague. emails. 

Pharoah, I hope this email finds you letting my people go

as per my last plague,

remember when you used to be able to play snake with the… hold on what’s it called

hmm. don’t think i’ll be calling it that. anyways i was gonna say remember when you could play snake with the buffering circle on youtube but. now i have other concerns

wait

yea that's funny

Middle-aged magical girl.

She's been defending the Earth since the early 90s and she's very tired.

My name is Tominaga Haruka. I was chosen by a magical talking animal, and for the last 29 years I've been Earth's one and only... Wonder-Sparkle Princess.

she's been fighting the same villains for three decades and they are also tired of it. Most of them aren't giving it their all. Half of them are in a groupchat they've added her to where they schedule their evil plans to make sure they don't interfere with each other, or more importantly, with *her* Xalkrax the space demon from outer space decided to attack the city when she was taking her vacation time once, and now he's dead, because even the power of friendship and redemption can't save you if you interrupt her rare vacations

Demon Queen Eluria: Gonna fill the city people's hearts with hatred on thursday to cause mayhem and discord.

Wonder-Sparkle Princess: Can't, got a PTA meeting.

Demon Queen Eluria: Friday?

Wonder-Sparkle Princess: A birthday party.

Demon Queen Eluria: Damn. How about I fill just the mayor's heart with hatred then?

Wonder-Sparkle Princess: That'd be redundant, lol. Maybe fill his heart with a desire to fix the fucking potholes?!

Demon Queen Eluria: LMFAO love you, bitch. Stay strong.

Wonder-Sparkle Princess: You too, gurl. How's the husband? Still dead?

Demon Queen Eluria: Yep. Thanks for that, btw.

Wonder-Sparkle Princess: Don't mess with my time off :p

Why are people tagging this '#wonder sparkle princess' like that's a thing and not a name I made up exclusively for this post?

Congratulations on inventing a new tumblr deity!!

She isn't 29 years old. She's been a magical girl for 29 years. If she started at 14 (typical magical girl protagonist age) then she'd be 43.

destiny rests on the shoulders of albion's eepiest warriors

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THEY CAN'T DO THIS! IT ISNT RIGHT

a lovely and beautiful girl named "decline upgrade to windows 11"

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE I AM

I’m his crying wife

You have to understand the part that’s so iconic about this is this isn’t a clip of him winning the tournament this of a clip of him coming in fourth

Wait if he came in fourth why did he say “that is right I did it I’m number five”?

I didn’t even question this at first, but the notes turned me on to the fact that it’s misinfo. This is Pete Weber winning the 69th US Open in 2012, which was his fifth time winning this tournament. I assume this is why he yells NUMBER FIVE despite coming in first. Here’s his explanation for his iconic victory yell:

He was yelling at a rude child. 😌 (Also according to the linked interview, he likes that his iconic nonsense is a meme now.)

This linguistic problem is only going to continue getting worse unless we fuck it in the ass now.

We could have sucked it out the ass earlier.

lets strum it in the bass right now

i know nothing about youtuber whatsoever. every time someone talks about a popular youtuber it feels like theyre conjuring a dude from thin air. hearing about youtuber drama is like seeing everyone spontaneously pull a guy out of their hat and start beating him to death with hammers

some loser: humans are innately selfish creatures

my psych book: