Where were you when I was young?

I wish I knew you then

Poor Things Quotes

Swiney: We must work. We must make money. But - more than that, Bella - we must experience everything. Not just the good but degradation, horror, sadness. This makes us whole, Bella. Makes us people of substance. Not flighty, untouched children. Then we can know the world, and when we know the world, the world is ours.

—

Harry Astley: A lot of dead babies.

Bella Baxter: We must go help them.

Harry Astley: How will we do that? When we go down there, they'll quite rightfully rope us, rob us and rape us. And if they were here, and we were there, we'd do the same to them.

—

Bella Baxter: If I know the world, I can improve it.

Harry Astley: You can't. This is the real point. Don't accept the lie of religion, socialism, capitalism. We are a fucked species. Know it. Hope is smash-able, realism is not. Protect yourself with the truth.

Bella Baxter: I realize what you are now, Harry. Just a broken little boy who cannot bear the pain of the world.

Harry Astley: I suppose so.

—

Bella Baxter: I will leave at my leisure, but I am flattered by your desire to trap me.

—

Swiney: You are an idealist. Like me. How delightful you are. But we must give in to the demands of the world sometimes. Grapple with it. Try to defeat it.

Bella Baxter: So you believe as me?

Swiney: Of course. But some men enjoy that you do not like it.

Bella Baxter: What? That is-

Swiney: Sick. But good business.

—

Bella: I look at you and feeling nothing but the lingering question of how did I ever want you.

Duncan: You’re whores.

Bella: We are our own means of production.

—

Bella Baxter: In some ways it would be a relief to be rid of my questing self.

—

Bella Baxter: It is the goal of all to improve, advance, progress, grow.

—

Bella Baxter: I am a flawed, experimenting person and I will need a husband with a more forgiving disposition.

You won’t stop the moon

In Buddhism, the path to liberation is built on the practice of letting go. Since my episode of psychosis, I’ve let go of quite a few things: drugs, alcohol, porn, and beautiful avoidant boys. And, as a result, I’m happy to say this is the most grounded I’ve felt in nearly a decade. But I’m not done yet. There’s still one more desire I need to let go of, but it feels like the final boss of desires.

Liberation and elation. Sadness and agony. All seem to hinge on this. So close but so far. So easy yet seemingly impossible.

This is (not) a cure

Being addicted to video games certainly isn’t healthy for me, but neither is fixating on the impossible.

I’ve been obsessed with BG3 – a fantasy tactical RPG on the PS5. I’ve spent every free waking moment I’ve had for the past month on the couch, hands glued to the controller and eyes fixed on the screen. And when I’m not playing, I’m listening to build guides and daydreaming of ways to best optimize my team. The taste of BG3 is always on my tongue and on the tip of my mind. The game has consumed me.

What’s so alluring about the game isn’t just how challenging it is – how every fight, every turn, is a puzzle to be carefully solved – but how well-written the story and its colorful cast of characters are. It’s hard not to grow attached to your companions and their troubled arcs, especially once you’ve romanced one (or all, if you’re willing).

BG3 offers such an irresistible escape from this world…. a powerful opioid. It distracts from and numbs any and everything that ails me. Much like a toxin to a disease. While certainly not healthy, being consumed by BG3 at least prevents me from entering my typical self-destructive feedback loops. Thoughts of BG3 have muscled out my usual thoughts and cravings of things I want but could never have – thoughts that are often the root of my unhappiness.

If desire can be a cancer, then can distractions be a treatment? Not good for me but, possibly, maybe… better.

Put your arms around me

For a moment

And I needed somebody to believe in

Play by the rules…

(not) a home

Pursuing a dream that’ll never come to fruition isn’t just maddening, it’s mad.

Yet I’ve done so certainly not for any realistic end goal but because I have a shit time resisting things that feel good, and this felt good like how coming home does... like how building an empire does.

I loved letting my mind wander along these make-believe walls. How doing so felt a lot like putting syrup on the tongue… or, more accurately, dope in the veins. Things that taste this good, that provide such elation, can’t be good for you. This certainly isn't good for me - to linger here, to live in dreams. No amount of pleading to the gods and stars will change that, and, God, did I plead.

It's my fault, though, for continually coming back, like a junky rabidly searching for his needle. And like a junky, we justify our irresponsible impulses, perform mental flips and tricks that'd make Olympic gymnasts blush. How I'd lie to myself, to others, to preserve a fantasy.

Why do I love it so much - this place? this feeling? Sometimes I think this is the closest I’ll ever be to heaven, so why not linger?… But just as quickly I'm reminded how madness and pleasure seem so inextricably tied to one another - that with every high comes with an equal if not more painful reposte.

It's not sustainable, y'know? So when will I stop?

It's easy to recognize a bad habit but so much harder to actually break it, even when all the evidence is laid before you. Because doing so, I know, would mean so much more than just a bad habit coming to its end but also the end of everything I’ve treasured associated with it. It’d mean saying goodbye to those feelings of home. It’d mean watching an empire fall.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready but I know that one day, I’ll have to watch this all burn down.

Say yes to Heaven

Say yes to me

Say yes