Portland Valentine

Oh hi, if anyone’s still reading. I worked at the pharmacy for 11 miserable months, but was finally able to transfer to a new job at the hospital. There was a whole thing where my boss at the pharmacy actually tried to block my transfer, claiming that if I left it would harm patients, because everyone else would be more busy and a pharmacist might make a mistake and kill someone and that would be on me! I was a fucking pharmacy cashier! I mean that job title doesn’t really convey my MANY duties at the pharmacy; it was more like I was running the front end of the pharmacy, distributing medications, being the first and only human most patients dealt with directly/being the punching bag for hundreds of patients every day, etc. And it’s true that me leaving created more work for others, but guess what, that’s not my fucking problem!

I had to get the union involved and eventually I was able to start my new job. I’ve been there almost three months now and it is pretty much awesome! I mean, as far as jobs go. I work as a hospital transporter now. Basically I move medical equipment, blood, specimens, etc around the hospital. I don’t have to deal with patients! Most of my coworkers primarily move patients and they (potentially) make a little more money for it, but after the pharmacy I don’t ever want to deal with patients again. I work alone and I’m walking around pretty much nonstop all day. I walk 10-13 miles a day and I love it. I’m often moving heavy ass hospital beds long distances and I feel like I’m getting so strong. I go to basically every single part of the huge hospital campus. It’s routine enough to be comfortable, but at the same time varied enough to keep things interesting. An app assigns me a job, I do the job, then the app assigns me my next job. There’s no balancing 13 different urgent tasks at a time like at the pharmacy while also being yelled at by patients. Occasionally I get to transport an entire organ or a severed limb! Those are my favorite jobs: if the app is sending me to pick up a specimen in the OR I know it’s gonna be good. Sometimes it’s just a fallopian tube or a section of a bowel or just a little chunk of unidentifiable flesh but I love to check them all out. I didn’t know I was so interested in seeing people’s insides. I wear scrubs now and sometimes I feel like an extra on Grey’s Anatomy, haha.

I’m so glad I finally got out of the pharmacy. It feels like I escaped an abusive relationship. I’m happier now than I thought possible. I still miss working at the bike valet sometimes, but I think I actually like my new job even more. There are a few things I don’t like about it, but overall it’s just about as perfect as a job could be for me.

I’m still working at the pharmacy and it’s still totally miserable. I’m just trying to make it through my six month probationary period and then I can apply for other jobs at the same hospital. I have good benefits, and I’m in a union, and the hospital is huge and healthcare jobs are abundant so there are a lot of possibilities for where I could go next. My job is low-level, “unskilled” or whatever, but it feels like my first real adult job at a workplace where I could potentially find a career outside of sex work. I’m just over four months in now but I kinda fucked myself over by requesting vacation days in October which for reasons too boring to explain means I’m actually stuck at my job until at least after my vacation, so I guess I’ll be there for at least eight months. But I’m going to Amsterdam in October! I was supposed to go last October but they started requiring a ten day quarantine upon arrival right before my trip and I wasn’t even going for ten days so I couldn’t go at all. Fuck I hope the rules don’t change again because I need a reward for surviving the last few years and this year especially. So I’m not doing well, I’m not happy, but I like to hope that this miserable time will lead to better things.

After one of the worst, most stressful periods of my life: getting fired from a job that I loved, an extremely frustrating job hunt, waiting ages to find out if I would get any unemployment, having zero income for over a month because I was too stressed and depressed to even try doing any sex work, I finally started a new job working in a pharmacy. Unfortunately, I fucking hate it. I hate every minute that I’m at work. The customers are terrible. It’s extremely busy at all times. It’s unbelievably stressful. I’m surprised that I’ve lasted a full month. I want to quit every day. It’s absolutely not the job for me. But I feel both emotionally and practically invested in working at this particular institution and I’m afraid of burning bridges if I even try applying to other jobs after such a short period. I don’t know what to do.

I’m still thinking about moving to Minneapolis when my lease is up this summer, but the move itself would be pretty expensive and complicated and what if I end up not liking it and want to come back? It would be such a waste of money. It’s scary to think about leaving the Pacific Northwest. I’m not sure if I could even get anyone to rent to me without a job lined up first. And what would I do for work? I really don’t want to go back to relying on sex work. I guess “low skilled” work is pretty abundant right now so it probably wouldn’t be too hard to find a shitty retail job or something, and rents are low enough in Minneapolis that I could probably survive off a minimum wage job. I should probably try to take another trip out there soon, since I’ve only been there once for a week last fall.

Well, I got fired from my job yesterday because some Karen on a power trip didn’t appreciate being asked to wear a mask and she escalated it so far that me AND two coworkers were fired. I really loved my job and I’m so sad, and I feel so stupid for thinking that they valued me. I hoped and planned to work there pretty much forever. I’d finally found a job that works well with my PTSD. I loved spending every day with my favorite coworker. I worked my ass off for 2.5 years, and they threw me away like garbage.

Oh wow it’s been a while. TBH things have not been going great. I’m dealing with a horrible depressive slump lately, probably one of the worst of my life. I basically only get out of bed to go to work. I guess I reached my breaking point with the pandemic and I can’t stand it anymore. I’m extremely frustrated that people are acting like the pandemic is over. I don’t understand why so many people I know have been at office parties or huge multigenerational holiday gatherings, so many unmasked faces pushed together to pose for photos. It seems like half the people I know are now reporting COVID symptoms or positive test results, like what the fuck did you think was going to happen? Why don’t they care? Why is seeing and holding your cousin’s unvaccinated baby more important to you than the baby’s health? I don’t get why I know like twenty people who seem to go to Hawaii or Mexico at least once a month, just for fun. I can’t stop scrolling through social media and judging everyone.

Maybe that’s why I don’t have any friends anymore, apparently. My birthday was in November and virtually everyone either forgot or just chose not to acknowledge it. I don’t want to burden people by expecting them to actually do anything with me, but a “happy birthday” on Facebook would’ve been nice, you know? It’s been a month and I still feel like total shit. Its causing me to withdraw even more, and also stubbornly refuse to acknowledge anyone’s birthday but the tiny few who acknowledged mine (basically my three coworkers, and two of my oldest friends).

I keep fantasizing about faking my own death and disappearing to a new city or a cabin in the woods. I know I could technically do that (if I somehow had the money) without faking my own death, but that extra drama appeals to me right now I guess.

I couldn’t go on my trip to Amsterdam in October, because the rules changed at the last minute. That was supposed to be my reward for surviving these last almost two years of hell. I was and am deeply disappointed. I have a flight credit that I have to use by the end of 2022 but with the way things are going with COVID I don’t believe I’ll be able to safely or responsibly go to Amsterdam or probably anywhere else in Europe before the time runs out. I did go to Minneapolis as a consolation prize (and maybe traveling for pleasure makes me just as much of an asshole as everyone that I’m judging) and it was no Amsterdam but I did really like it there. Minneapolis has been on my little mental list of cities that I would consider moving to for the last several years, even though I’d never been there before, and now that I’ve been I feel it’s a definite possibility. I’m not planning to move out of Portland now, especially not while I have a job that I like, but if something happens with that, who knows. Unfortunately I would probably have to return to full time sex work if I did move (something which I do not want to do) because my job that I really like is extremely niche and there’s basically no other similar business that I could transfer to, in Minneapolis or elsewhere.

I think I mentioned before that I mostly quit drinking earlier this year, and that’s still the case. I’ve gotten a little obsessive about Fjällräven backpacks and also parkas (Fjällräven and other brands), desperately looking for comfort and that little rush that comes from retail therapy. As far as things to replace alcohol with, I suppose cozy parkas and colorful Swedish backpacks aren’t the worst choice.

Anyway, if anyone is still reading, I hope you’re all doing okay.

Oops I guess I didn’t really write here for like ten months. If anyone is still reading, hello!

I’m still working at the bike place and it’s going really well. I really like my job and I’m so happy I finally got officially hired there last spring after months of working as a fill-in person. Next month will be my two year anniversary there (since I started as a sub I mean)! I’ve gotten a few raises. I’m taking on some extra responsibilities and I feel good about that. I basically plan to work there forever, or unless we shut down or I get fired. I’m being paid an hourly rate that I actually think is fair and decent, although unfortunately it’s not possible to work full time just because of the business being very small and just how we’re structured, so I am pretty broke. I haven’t done any sex work for a couple months but I have GOT to get back to it. I seem to have lost my small handful of regulars so I need to post an ad and find some new people, which I’m dreading. I just get nervous about the unknown.

I sort of unexpectedly quit drinking again a couple months ago. A weekend off led to a week led to a month and then I just kept going. Full disclosure, I have had a drink or two about once each month and it was fine. For me I don’t think that sobriety has to be a black and white, all or nothing kind of thing. I may reevaluate that in the future and that’s okay. I don’t necessarily plan to not drink forever. I don’t have any specific plans about it and I feel okay about that.

But for the most part I actually feel kind of amazing!? Better than I’ve felt in…a very long time. I was primarily drinking to self medicate my PTSD and anxiety, but since I stopped drinking I feel way less affected by both even though I’m currently in the middle of one of the most stressful things I ever have to do: face the man who kidnapped and raped me (AGAIN) to try to keep him in prison. At least it’s being done through a zoom-type situation these days so I don’t have to travel to the state where he’s in prison. He was scheduled for a parole hearing in June but as he was waiting for his hearing he attacked another inmate so it got postponed to next week. I’m really mad about it because I spent so much time and energy preparing myself for the June hearing and took time off work and everything only to get no resolution. But obviously his continued acts of violence are likely to work against him when/if the hearing this month actually happens so I think it’s pretty unlikely that they’ll let him out this time and obviously that’s a good thing.

I might be taking a trip to Amsterdam in October!? Plane tickets are super cheap, and I have my eye on some places to stay. I’m trying to figure out how much of a risk it is, with covid rules potentially changing. Right now Americans are allowed into the Netherlands, but who knows if that might change. My plane tickets would likely not be refundable (because I’m definitely on a budget and want to buy the cheapest tickets). My lodging costs may be refundable, if I can book the place I’m hoping for, so that would be a big help. But fuck I would really like to treat myself after these last several mostly extremely difficult years of financial insecurity, major PTSD flare-ups, working through and surviving the pandemic, etc.

Hello, if anyone’s still reading. Time for my semi-annual update I guess. I’m still working at the bike shop. I was full time for a few months but recently went down to four days a week to accommodate a staffing change. I’ve also been working for the census since the beginning of August, but I think that’s done now. I haven’t done any sex work since April! But I’ll have to start again soon, because losing one shift a week made a pretty big dent in my paychecks. I’m hoping to just see clients I already know. I don’t want to advertise anymore, or deal with new people. A few old regulars have reached out recently but I’m still apprehensive about the COVID risk so I turned them down for now.

Weird to think that I haven’t had sex with anyone in over five months, and I’ve only actually touched and had close contact with one person, my coworker who I’ve gotten pretty close to since we work together, just the two of us, most days of the week. Our workplace is tiny and we don’t even try to socially distance anymore. He’s a hugger and I’m not really normally but it turns out I am a human being who needs physical touch and not a weird robot so we hug all the time. Several people have asked me if we’re dating but it’s not like that. I really like him though. I have a lot of friends who I know through online stuff, but not many in-person friends these days. It’s weird to make new friends during a pandemic though. We only hang out at work so far. I would like to try hanging out outside of work too but I feel awkward about asking. I’m trying to make more connections through work too. I’m friendly with all my coworkers and at least Instagram friends with most of them, and with some of our customers too. I recently attended a bike advocacy zoom meeting. I was apprehensive about using zoom (my first time ever) but it turns out it’s pretty cool to be able to get involved in something without having to leave my apartment. It’s kinda weird that my life is all about bike stuff right now and sex work stuff feels like a different life. I’ve been super burned out for ages, but I always thought that sex work community would be a big part of my life forever. Lately I can barely bring myself to read the Slack group that I’m in with some local sex workers, or look at the Facebook groups. I’m mostly in the closet about being a sex worker at work, which feels very weird because I’ve always been open about it with pretty much everyone. I’ve been dropping hints for a while, like mentioning that I’ve bartended at strip clubs and talking about friends who are escorts, to gauge reactions and no one seems weirded out. But I’ve only told my main work buddy the whole truth, and that was only recently.

Working for the census was actually super interesting and I’m so glad I did it. I was working in my immediate neighborhood so I got to see the insides of practically every building that I walk past all the time. It was also really challenging, especially as we got close to the end and only the really difficult, hostile cases and buildings that no one had been able to access were left, but for some reason I was really good at it. I actually felt like I used some of my rusty old stripper skills of approaching people with confidence (even if I had to fake it), reading them instantly to decide what approach to use on them, and getting them to talk to me. I also became the master of getting into apartment buildings, whether I had to charm a resident who was coming or going into letting me in, take off my badge and turn my census bag around so it just looked like a plain messenger bag and follow people in like I lived there, or sneak around the building looking for any unlocked door or ground floor window into a public hallway (yes I did climb through more than one window). I liked the challenge of closing cases that 10+ people before me had failed to do. Every person that got counted will bring approximately $30,000 in federal funds into the community over the next ten years, so I was determined to get people counted no matter what and felt awesome when I succeeded. I met a lot of nice people, and some real assholes. Quite a few people slammed the door in my face. Several landlords threatened to call the cops on me, even just for asking them to let me into the building. One person vaguely threatened my life/safety (said if he sees me on the property again I’m gonna regret it). Awkwardly, he lives on the next block down from me and I walk past his building all the time and he’s ALWAYS out on the front porch and he keeps yelling at me to stay the fuck away even if I’m walking on the other side of the street and not even doing census work. The most hostile landlord I dealt with, who grabbed my arm and physically shoved me out of the building and claimed the cops were on the way, she lives on site in the building directly across the street from mine, so I’m really hoping I don’t run into her. But overall it was a good experience and I’m already hoping to work the 2030 census.

What else? My new cat Johan has lived with me for seven months now; I guess he’s not so new anymore. He’s still sweet and good and having no health issues from his FeLV. I’m happy that summer is over and the best part of the year is starting. I’m rewatching BTVS from the beginning right now. I’m suffering through terrible season 1 but I know it’ll get better soon. My life is pretty boring, I mostly just work and watch TV. I was working too much with the census, doing like 50-60 hours a week between my two jobs. I’ve never been so tired in my life. So it’s a relief to have some free time again. I’ve been able to pay my rent and bills lately without too much trouble. Despite all the turmoil in the world, I guess things are going okay for me.

Oh hi. I think I last wrote back in November. I came back today and was surprised to see that my posts are still being actively reblogged pretty much everyday. I kind of assumed that I’d faded into obscurity.

I’m still working at the bike job. Due to the pandemic we had to change things up and I ended up with two shifts a week at double pay for the hazard, for now, until things go back to normal I guess. I’m seeing about two clients a month. I’m actually more financially stable now than I had been in a long time so there’s a terrible, selfish part of me that hopes things don’t go back to normal for a while. But even so, who knows if the bike shop will even end up staying open. Who knows if we’ll have to change things up again and I lose my shifts. I’m the one with the least seniority and the only reason I even got any shifts is because one of my coworkers chose to get laid off to collect unemployment. I’m not eligible for any unemployment since I was working under the table until last November. I also haven’t gotten my stimulus payment and probably won’t for a while (if ever) due to the IRS insisting that no such person with my name and SSN exists (long, boring story).

I’m doing okay. I’m probably not as scared of coronavirus as I should be. Is it strange that I’m kind of excited to see what our future normal looks like? Assuming I don’t die anyway. I like to think that we won’t just go back to the old normal and that this is a chance to build a better, more just world. It’s been interesting adjusting to the current way of life. I miss dumb things like walking to H&M just to browse or getting takeout when I’m too lazy to cook, but it keeps me from spending unnecessary money at least. I like seeing the neighborhood streets being taken over by pedestrians and cyclists and scooter riders, and I’ve been loving my own bike rides around the city on quieter streets.

To my own surprise, I got a cat. I wasn’t planning on it. I still didn’t feel ready after Sugar’s death. But his photo popped up on the Facebook page of a cat shelter that I’ve been following forever, and I had to meet him. His name is Johan, but mostly I call him YoYo.

In a weird coincidence I ended up meeting him on the three year anniversary of Sugar’s death, though he didn’t come to live with me until a few days later so I’m glad we’ll have an anniversary that’s not connected to one of the worst days of my life. He has FeLV which means he might not live for very long. Some sources say the median lifespan is 2.5 years after diagnosis, but others say they can live long, normal lives. Right now he’s totally healthy and you would never guess that there’s anything wrong with him. I thought that knowing he might not live for long would keep me from getting super attached, but oops that didn’t happen. It was an adjustment, figuring out how to share my home with another creature again. And at first I felt weird and guilty and maybe even a little resentful that he wasn’t Sugar. But it’s been about two months and now he feels like a natural part of my life and home and heart.

He has an Instagram, if you want to follow him.

Hi tumblr. I don’t know who’s still around here, I’ve only checked in maybe twice in the last five months or so.

The man who raped me was supposed to have a parole hearing in October and I’d spent pretty much all year preparing myself for it (I’d planned to attend) and working on my victim impact statement, but then he refused to go to his own hearing and for now has no more parole hearings scheduled. It sounds like maybe he plans to max out his sentence in six years so he doesn’t have to deal with the rules of parole, but he can ask for a parole hearing once a year so who knows. You would think I would’ve been happy to not have to deal with another parole hearing, but I was super mad and upset when I got the email. I planned to use what he said and how he acted to try to gauge my risk level when he gets out, and I didn’t get that chance and I might not ever again.

Yesterday was the anniversary of when I got raped. I decided to treat myself to a massage. I picked a male massage therapist even though I was apprehensive about paying a man to touch me but from the yelp reviews he seemed like the most popular one at the clinic by far. He worked on my neck a lot because I told him about how I have chronic neck pain. It was definitely a strange feeling having a man with his hands on my neck in a therapeutic manner on the anniversary of when a different man had his hands on my neck to strangle me. I felt fine though, even good, with only brief flickers of panic here and there, but overall I was feeling awesome afterward. As soon as I got home I started crying and couldn’t stop for like an hour, but I wasn’t upset, it was just an unexpected release of emotions. Then I fell asleep at 8:30pm.

In other news, I got a new job! Sort of. I’ve been filling in as needed at a bike-related business. I don’t want to specify what the job is because it would give away exactly where I work, but let’s just say it’s a bike shop because that’s one aspect of the business. I’ve been working roughly once a week since August, and I interviewed for an actual job there in early October but was pretty much a disaster and I didn’t get it so that was kind of humiliating. But I kept on filling in as much as possible, and a few weeks later the owner offered me a job for only November (because the post-summer slow down surprisingly still hasn’t happened). I really like the job because it’s physically demanding but mentally simple, I get to be outside a lot, and I like bikes! I’m still really hoping to get hired on permanently but it’s a very small business, like only about 5-6 employees total, so I probably have to wait until someone quits and hope the owner feels like hiring me by then. He just added me to the payroll yesterday (I was getting paid under the table before) so that seems like a good sign.

I’m still doing sex work too, and I would probably have to even if I got a full time job there, but I would love to go down to only seeing regulars. Oh, I have a duo partner now. In seven years of escorting I had no interest in doing duos, but then an escort who I didn’t know but I had noticed her ads, she asked if I wanted to do duos and I decided to try it out. Turns out they’re usually really easy and can be pretty fun. It’s nice to have someone there to tell me if my mascara is running or whatever. Another escort asked me to coffee next week and I suspect that she wants to talk about doing duos too, but maybe not, maybe she’s just being friendly.

Anyway, that’s my update for now.

Fuck I feel sick. I just checked my stat counter for the first time in a while and was shocked to see that most of my recent traffic to this tumblr was coming from my secondary work tumblr!!! I took a look at my work tumblr and apparently they changed something a few months ago so now next to each entry it said “posted by portlandvalentine” with a link to here. What the fuck!!! When I started my work tumblr I made very, very sure that tumblr didn’t link up side blogs to main ones or show anyone that they were connected! But it’s not true anymore! Maybe it only happens with certain themes, I’m not sure, but the change seems to have happened in April. If you’re a fool like me and thought it would be okay to use a side blog for sex work stuff or other things that you don’t want connected to your main you might want to look into it. (I’m not around here much anymore, maybe everyone already figured this out months ago.)

I immediately made my work blog password protected so I can archive all my stuff in preparation for moving it to another site, but I feel like I’m going to throw up, knowing how many clients probably read this blog and know way too much personal info about me now. Even before this recent thing some clients had somehow found it. Maybe it’s time for this tumblr to finally come to an end.

Sex workers HATE him! Local man discovers this one weird trick to grope escorts’ nude bodies...for free!

This morning I thought that my trip to Ireland is in exactly one month and I panicked for a while because I don’t feel at all financially (or emotionally) prepared to go. But then I checked the calendar and realized it’s actually still two months away. So I feel a little better. I really like traveling but it also stresses me the fuck out.

I bought a new raincoat for my trip, because the two I have are either way too bulky to bring in my bag (I’m doing carry-on only), or way too lightweight for what I assume the wind and temperatures will be like. It arrived today and I really like it. It’s this one:

Yesterday I contacted this girl for a reference check. I don’t know her; I’d seen her ads but I don’t think we’d ever talked before. She took a few hours to get back but when she did she said the client was her good regular and he had just asked her about duos and she was wondering if I was interested. I said maybe, depending on how the appointment went.

I saw him this morning and it went well, so at the end I mentioned that I’d talked to this reference and I was going to say that I was open to a duo. He started apologizing for any nasty messages I might’ve received and I was like, “huh?”. Turns out after I asked her for a reference check she contacted him and tried to convince him to see her instead and apparently she was talking a bunch of shit about me and saying that she’s way better and hotter than me, and then when he didn’t give in she proposed a duo with me as a compromise. When he said no to that too she was pissed. He says they’ve only met once and he had no interest in seeing her again.

I knew this kind of thing probably happens and I’ve gotten a few responses to reference checks in the past where they were clearly annoyed that their client wanted to see someone else, but to find out that this bitch was calling me ugly and who knows what else was definitely a surprise to me. And then trying to set up a duo with me! I’m polite and professional to everyone and don’t get involved in the review board drama or anything so I didn’t expect it to happen to me.

I’m going to Ireland and Northern Ireland in April. I impulsively bought a plane ticket after one day of just casually thinking about how I might like to go to Ireland some day, because I happened upon one that was shockingly cheap. The next day as I started booking my accommodations I kind of freaked out because the trip didn’t feel so cheap anymore. I still feel like maybe I’ve made a huge mistake, but my plane ticket is non-refundable and my Airbnbs are only partially refundable I think so it feels too late to back out now. My trip will be two weeks long, because those were the days that the cheap tickets were for, so the accommodation costs are really adding up. I’ve booked three nights in Belfast, five in Dublin, then I think I’m going to take a five day minibus tour out to the west/south part of Ireland so I need to book four nights for that. I might do hostels even though that doesn’t appeal to me at all, but I feel like I have to do something to offset the costs of the rest of the trip. Then I’ll have one more night back in Dublin before I fly out the next morning; I’m not sure yet where I’ll stay for that night. If I happen to have any Irish followers who want to host me in Dublin, Galway, or Killarney, let me know! Also if you have any feedback or suggestions about my itinerary, send me a message. The first nine days are pretty set, but since I haven’t booked the rest yet I could change my tentative plans.

I’m nervous but excited!