You know what's weird?

Grief.

It's so personal to each and every one of us. The way we handle it, the way we wear it. Yet people and media only ever want to portray it as some sudden dramatic outburst of tears and agony. And there's nothing wrong with that, I've written grief in these ways too.

But not all grief is like that. Sometimes, the grief is loud. This is the grief people come to expect. The screams and the tears. To the outside world, this is the grief that they understand. It's the easiest to handle because they can see it, they can hear it, and they expect it.

–Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior

No, I will not say I had a brother; he still is. He will always be my brother.

Stages of grief

I've been trying to work myself through the grief process. I'm doing it alone for the most part, so I keep finding myself in the dark place more often than not. I googled the stages of grief.

denial

anger

bargaining

depression

acceptance

I cycle through these stages, sometimes daily.

Lately I've found myself staying angry.

My God I'm so angry.

I'm angry at myself for being so selfish that I didn't do more to help my brother.

I'm angry at my parents for not listening to me when I said take him to another hospital and I'm angry at them for making me have to go through this alone.

I'm angry at his fiance for letting this happen to him. And now for moving on so fucking fast. We JUST made it through his one year and she's already dating someone!?

I'm angry at my extended family for being absolutely disgusting humans, though they always have been so it's no surprise.

I'm angry at my brother for not fighting harder. For giving up. For leaving me here to do this on my own.

I'm angry at God for doing this to our family. People tell me "God only takes those that he needs in heaven" but why. Why tf do you need him in heaven!? We needed people like him HERE. Good people. Good men.

I'm just so angry.

I don't know how to handle my anger.

My dad taught me to lash out when I'm angry.

My mom taught me to just be quiet when I'm angry.

All I want to do is yell and scream

And cry

I want to call my brother and yell at him.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to get through this.

I don't know how to survive.

I didn't get to say a last goodbye. I hugged you like it was some mundane routine we did out of habit. You left my house, went to bed, and just never got up again. No warning.

It’s not fair.

Sibling grief is weird.

With sibling grief you're grieving more than just the loss of your sibling.

You're grieving the life you had before you lost your sibling.

You're grieving the loss of who your parents were before your sibling died

You're grieving the loss of the future you'd prepared for

You're grieving the loss of the family unit as you'd known it

You're grieving the loss of who you were before they died

You're grieving the loss of your best friend

Before my brother died, I had plans for how the future would be. Family holidays with our kids, major life events being celebrated together, family vacations, so many memories to be made.

All of those were lost when he died. An entire future full of plans just.... Gone.

Finished.

Now I'm only left with the haunting visions of watching him go, with the sounds of our parents sobbing and begging for this to not be happening, with hearing the love of his life begging for more time and promising to make the rest of his life everything we'd always dreamed for him, with remembering both the feeling of his warm hands AND the feeling of his lifeless, cold hands.

Before my brother died, our parents were mostly happy.

Parents change after the loss of a child, regardless of the age of said child. That change can go 1 of 2 ways and it is usually to the extreme of whichever way they go.

Way 1: they're going to be extremely clingy with their remaining child(ren). They will want them close.

Or

Way 2: they're going to become extremely distant with their remaining child (ren).

My mom quietly went with way 1. She tries to not show it, but I know it. She still has her moments where she's distant, but she won't even entrain the idea of us being far away from her. She wants all of us near her.

My dad went with way 2. I've always felt like my dad absolutely hated me. There was no proud father moment when I got married, no "you look beautiful" comments, or any heart touching moments really. It's always been he was there, but quietly wondering how quickly he could leave. Sure there were moments when he really came through and made me feel like he cared. I can't say there weren't ANY.

But after losing my brother, I feel like I completely lost my dad. He barely acknowledges I'm there, he flat out ignores me when I say "I love you", but he will say it to everyone around me, he doesn't even try to hide the fact that he does NOT want to be wherever I am. In my heart I feel that he believes the wrong child died and that it should've been me. I have never felt like more of a burden than I do now.

Before my brother died, my mom always told us "nurture your relationship with each other because when your dad and I are gone, you're only going to have each other". That was the future I'd prepared for. Now, when my parents are gone I will be alone. I'll have no one to grieve that loss with. Our future was supposed to be long and fruitful, with so many memories to be made... I was not prepared for the future I'm going to have.

Before my brother died, we were a family of 4. He was my big brother. Sure our family expanded as we got older. We had significant others and kids, but our family unit was 4. Now, it's only 3.

I'm no longer the little sister.

I'm the surviving sister.

Before my brother died, I was happy. Sure I dealt with some mental health issues, but he always helped to keep my grounded. He was who I called when I felt like I was losing my grip. He was my rock. He was my best friend. He always made sure I was ok, that his nieces and nephews were ok, that everyone had what they needed. He was my go-to person for everything.

I used to get so irritated because he'd always call me when bad weather was moving in. He'd give me all these instructions on things I needed to do to be prepared, he'd make sure I was making sure the kids had everything they needed.. it could be so exhausting sometimes.

God how I miss those phone calls.

Now that he's gone I find myself riddled with anxiety and anger. I have no idea who I am anymore because I do not feel like me anymore. I feel like a part of me went with him. The strong part went with him.

Now that he's gone I feel so alone, even with the rest of my family right beside me.

I try to grieve quietly. I try to do it alone as much as possible so that it doesn't make those around me sad.

Sibling grief is weird..

It's lonely

Unless you are the surviving sibling, you could never understand.

- I am talented! - But they are Box Office gold.

No you don’t understand I love them so much

here's one of the cutest commissions i've ever had the pleasure to work on 😭❤️

That’s what I am, just a traveler. Imagine it. No tax, no bills, no boss. Just the open sky.

hello fellow non-supernatural-fan scrolling through the spn tags to see what the fuck is going on

Cat owners, can someone give me a “owning a cat for the first time” handbook for dummies run down? My housemate adopted a cutie yesterday and I love her already but I know nothing about cats and he’s at work a fair bit while I’m home.

Just wanna do the best for her 💕

1. cats are not dogs. don’t expect them to act like dogs.

2. To pet a cat: hold out your index finger. If the cat is frightened/aloof, hold it a few feet away. If the cat is interested/friendly, hold it like 6” away. The cat will sniff your finger if they want to hang out with you. Then, they may move forward a little and sort of pet themselves into your hand, or they may just hang out and be like “ok i’m ready for pets now”. If they move away, they do not want pets. That’s ok, they still might like to chill with you. Cats especially like to be petted on their cheeks and behind their ears.

2. Cats are very sharp. They have 3 main sharpnesses: a) claws, b) toofs, c) a metaphorical sharpness of the mind in re going places you don’t want them to go. Watch out for the first 2 by learning a cat’s body language, and for the 3rd by remembering to close doors. and when you go through said doors, you enter foot first - open door a crack, shove foot in, cat will somewhat indignantly jump back, then you can put the rest of your body in through the door and shut it quick.

3. A cat belly is very soft and also Forbidden unless you and the cat know each other quite well. Even then, it is a personal preference on the part of the cat.

4. you have heard that laughter is the best medicine. this is not true. purrs are the best medicine. Purrs can be increased in potency with the addition of kneading (“making biscuits”) but this is also a personal choice on the part of the cat.

5. If a cat Chooses you (sits in your lap or on some other part of your body), you are forbidden from moving the cat. They decide when to get up. You are at the mercy of the softest tiny rumbling god.

Enjoy getting to know the kitty!!! :3

literally nobody:

not a single soul:

no one, not even god:

the master, every three years:

Ewan McGregor & Hayden Christensen on set of ‘Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith’

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It’s not just Jared nerding out...