You And I

I am glad at least in my life I found someone

Who may not be here forever to see me through

But I found strength in you.

So much has changed

To those of you reading this, for however long you’ve known me, I’m sorry this has become an outlet for my frustrations, flaws, fears, and insecurities. Know that this will also be how I congratulate myself on the little things I’ve done right, for I am too hard on myself most of the time. If this is too much information about what seems like a total stranger, feel free to unfollow or quit reading right now. I’m sorry to have burdened you with my feelings when I’m sure you’ve got quite a lot on your own plate. If you continue you reading, you’ll see the duality I mention comes with everything in life. This is more about self-promotion and cataloging to learn from my mistakes and successes than it is about “flood-lighting” near strangers with my story. Noah, you’ve grown so much since the last time you were here. You’ve overcome what has definitely been the toughest year of your life in many regards. You’ve experienced every emotion from elation to excruciating heartbreak. You’ve felt smothered, alone, and both at the same time, but you finally learned what it means to really, truly, be in love with a person who is good for you - or at least you hope. Can you really believe you met her on Tinder? What a crazy thought.  You had some problems and you solved quite a few of them. You learned to live a truly fulfilling lifestyle again - this time without needing drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, or a constant need to be surrounded by others. You’ve become a truly mindful person who only seeks to be happy, kind, compassionate, empathetic, understanding, and genuine. You want to help others in the way that others have taught you to help yourself.  Your curiosity in the world of music has been renewed. You’ve gained the ability to listen and learn in an expansive (and ever-growing) range of new ways. Your passion has never been more exciting than it is now. However, duality is present in everything: You’ve come to realize the crushing, unrelenting depression you’ve spent nearly the entirety of your adult life with. 

You’d like to tell yourself it came from a lapse of judgement (or was it a profound curiosity?) when you were barely 18. You deeply hurt a young woman who you’d like to believe really cared about you, but hadn’t grown in a way that you could grow together. It ALL changed after that day. You started to live for you, but she just wasn’t fond of the plans, the excitement. She is not to blame, despite her jabs and explicit statements and actions that seemed to be used as a weapon. You got back together. She left you for your best friend while you were 1,000 miles away for 80 days because “you didn’t tell [her] you slept with Allison while we were broken up.” They really made you think. You try to never go a day without questioning your direction, purpose, and meaning behind every single action in your life. While this has truly been positive for your character, you now live in what feels like crippling fear of consequences for your action or inaction.  Anxiety has become a very real issue. You may have lost your scholarships to school because you just couldn’t bear to face the professors that have put so much faith in you when you made the mistake of screwing up your last jury. You’ve severed ties on rash decisions or things your friends have said. You’ve changed your mind about many of those, but you’re afraid to speak to the people behind those for fear of what they might say. Not everyone approaches situations like that with love and understanding. At one point, neither did you. You have to remember this and learn to face your fears, confront your mistakes, and most importantly you must LEARN from your mistakes. You are a student of life for all of yours. You survived 80 days with no sense of home - no sense of family or a modicum of belonging. You can live, learn, and grow from your current situation. Just take care of the little things every day. Continue to live with your new-found mental handicaps; your ADHD, depression, and anxiety do NOT define you. You lived over 20 years of your life without realizing you had these, so surely you can transcend them.  Continue to surround yourself with wholesome, loving people. Allow them to help guide you on your path to self-actualization. Help guide them on theirs for as along as you can. Continue to work to mend the broken bridges with the people who have really had a positive impact on your life. Without them, you would be much worse off.

Continue to work on your communication skills. Your lack of know-how with explicit self-expression when you were growing up did you no good. Just as every question unasked is unanswered, every feeling unexpressed is a feeling that isn’t felt or understood by the loving, caring people behind you.

Continue to be grateful for every little thing. Despite growing up impoverished and maybe a little ignorant, you’ve been given a truly great chance for success in the grand scheme of it all. 

Continue to love and be loved. Don’t let things change with her unless you absolutely must. Keep trusting the people on this planet until they prove you shouldn’t trust them. Do not let yourself be trampled on anymore, however. 

Continue to work for what makes you truly happy. Do not let anyone tell you differently. The beauty of being human is opportunity: we are the masters of our own destinies.  Writing this, you already feel a lot better. These past few weeks have seen a swell in the once-thought-to-be-forgotten feelings of self-doubt, worry, jealousy, and everything in between. Keep expressing yourself. You were told to be the nicest person that a total stranger has ever met this morning. 

Be mindful, kind, compassionate, empathetic, understanding, caring, and happy. Most of all, happy. Stay on your grind, Noah.

May 5th, 2017

Someday..

On top of the world :)

Half a year later, and still something's missing. Crazy how one person can change your whole world