For The Love Of God Just Give Them Some Pockets

Rattling around in my head…

I feel like I don’t belong in your … world is too big of a word and community is too small.

I feel like I’m constantly an outsider and those I do try to interact with don’t like me.

I feel like… you want me to talk about certain things, and there are places for that, but people don’t like me there.

I’m giving up the vitriolic place entirely. The streaming responses are wild. Feels like how that space we met eons ago ended.

I feel somewhat okay at the long term home, but feel mostly like I’m not accepted there, either.

And it makes me question whether things are real or if I just made it up inside my head. And if it’s the latter, I just want to disappear because I’ve never wanted to be a bother.

Like, it constantly feels like the energy surrounding me in those spaces is off… and it hurts.

I don’t know who in your orbit knows and it constantly feels like I’m watching out for landmines.

I’m very tired but cannot sleep.

Maybe it’s all just ether.

I used to - and this sounds so silly and I’m highly embarrassed about it - I used to make up stories. In my mind. Of us. What ifs. And just imagine.

It caused so much problems. Planted expectations.

And I’ve stopped. They’re not fair to you or to me. They’re fun and silly and harmful.

I have wishes. I set things aside, if things work out, but it’s not driving my mind.

The reference to being in reverse… it means I find you best there… thinking about the past. It’s a reminder to myself to be grateful for moments we have had. It’s not putting pressure on a future.

I think it’s better.

Hey… I think I understand why the first few nights are bumpy… and that’s because you worry everyone won’t enjoy it… and I don’t want to add any doomsday scenarios in your head so we’ll stop there.

There’s nothing I can say that you won’t find a way to work around in your head. I do that, too. I can’t tell you it’s going to be fine or wonderful, because you have to know it’s fine and wonderful… and hearing it alone won’t do anything for you.

What I can tell you is, no matter how it goes, I’m always going to be rooting for you and you’re never a disappointment to me. ♥️

I hope you know it was a joke… I saw the posts and it was perfect for where my mindset was… and, I didn’t share my mindset with you because I was worried it would put a damper on things… or make you feel a certain way…

But here goes: sometimes it comes across as you’re ashamed of me… like you think I’m not good enough. It’s the impression I’m left with… or rather my mind trying to fill holes I don’t understand. You send a lot of mixed signals to me. Have always done so…

And I didn’t want to say this and start an argument or make things harder.

Anyhow, that’s all I have tonight. 😢

When I am depressed or sad…. I cope with food, as do we all.

But I’m allergic to the food I cope with and crave most: chocolate and, more importantly: cheese.

There’s a symbiotic relationship between inflammation in my body, predominantly my lungs (asthma) and that inflammation also causing depression.

At least I think that’s what’s going on. I’m going to take Benadryl with my other meds over the next few days and hopefully that will calm everything in my body down.

As long as I don’t have chocolate or dairy cheese.

Which is going to be difficult.

Going to the hospital and seeing my Aunt was so much harder than I thought it would be. She’s there but she’s not there…

Her mind is there, but it’s trapped and cannot get out. She recognized me. Clearly.

I don’t know where she’s going to land, and I’m so scared.

I know it’s unlikely she’ll go back to working. Even if she did, she was laid off recently for a brief time - and if Wells Fargo went through another RIF, she’d be gone.

Martha is a proud woman. She enjoys her job. She enjoys working. She was planning on slowing down over the next few years and retiring… I hate she likely has to reevaluate her plans.

Not only did Martha know my Dad’s secrets, she also was the person that was entrusted with taking care of me if something happened to my parents. The person who could open my parent’s security deposit box and the executor of their wills, which now fall to me.

So, that hopefully explains the closeness.

I’m scared. Sometimes with you, when I need you, it feels like you disappear on me. It feels like I’m a crazy stalker person because it feels like you’re running away from me.

I just do not feel good… I’m tired. I need meds. I need rest. I need you.

I’m not mad or upset with you because you can’t be here…

And I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, either.

I haven’t always opened myself up to you, is my understanding. So, I’m trying to show you… that as much as I hate leaning on people… I want to lean on you.

My grounding statement is that you love me, if I haven’t mucked everything up.

I want to curl up into your arms and have you hold me until the sadness falls out of my body…

And I want to be vulnerable here, but I need to know if you’re listening to me here. It may sound foolish to you, but it’s what I need right now.

I really need to know if you’re reading this.

This is so delicate to say… and I hope I get it right, but if not, I hope you understand my meaning.

There are times when I think about how much simpler this all would be if you did not have the kind of success you do. And that’s not to be hurtful… I am happy for you in that regard.

There are so many obvious reasons why that is, but more importantly, what I mean by it is: I think we both feel so much more pressure here - where we both don’t feel good enough for the other.

And when you add on the assumptions people make about you… I can imagine how scary it would be to be in your position here.

All I can answer to that is to say that I fell for the person behind the mask. There were nights I would fall asleep and I could feel you around me. It’s 1s and 0s, but I felt how much you cared and I saw the jealousy (felt it, too…).

That mattered to me. The way you made me laugh. There seems to be a level we connected instantly on… and that’s where I fell for you. And fuck yeah, that’s super scary for me, too.

I need this to be something more than *this* because *this* gives me a lot of anxiety. I still exist in gray “does he…?” at times. Less so this past year.

But I need to know *this* as it exists now isn’t going to be all it is forever.

You were always good enough and more than enough and not too much for me. Always.

And I have never tried so hard to make something work before. If I’m what’s falling short… I need to know that, too.

And this is why I hate blowing up.

Because I’m fine-ish. I know some of the above needs to be addressed. I’m hopeful it will be soon. I’m frustrated situationally. But if you want a fawning fan, that’s not me because that’s not love to me.

I don’t have an in between. I either have to blow up or be silent until I cool down. I will say that I cool down much quicker after blowing up. I just hate always having to apologize for it. And I hate how embarrassed I get.

You always do this. You always tell me that I don’t tell you how I feel. And when I make an effort, you disappear on me. So I feel like: oh I’m just a stupid girl. One of thousands, got me to act like a fawning idiot. Does that make you happy?

It’s like some fucking twisted game you play with me and it hurts so much. And I always tell myself I’m not going to fall for it the next time. And I do. Spectacularly so, every single time. I really am a fucking idiot.

I am very sensitive right now and think everyone hates me.

I’m just trying to hold my head together right now.

So nauseous which means I’m in considerable pain. Gonna take something for that soon.

Migraine like woah. The weather bouncing is not helping.

I am nauseous, cramping heavily, and I have a menstrual migraine. I’m 3 days early and all of this is hitting me in the last 2 hours.

Be gentle with me today and into tomorrow.

I think about forever a lot, too.

Growing up, I never wanted fame, or money, or power…. Okay, maybe a little power until I saw how it corrupts. Only natural when you soak up politics like a sponge, but it was an incredibly distant second to the thing that motivated my most: the desire for a great love.

So… let’s add some other words I might have uttered but too rarely… I may not know everything you’ve done for me, but the things you have done mean so much… always have…

You have a unique ability to bypass my independent nature and know where to maneuver around it, to take care of me. I miss it at times, when you cannot. I think you know I don’t allow people to do a lot for me… you’re one of the very few people that I know has done something for me out of love… and not necessity or appearance.

I think about forever with you… a lot.

And I think about how we got here… and I’m sorry for so much. Sorry how I felt about you wasn’t obvious to you… I didn’t want to be just another one of thousands in a crowd. Sorry I haven’t been as open to you as I should have been… Sorry for all the times I hurt you.

I’m still somewhat afraid that the up close of me is too much like ugly dots that make up a more impressive whole.

But listening to you (and some of your comments) helps the divide…

I have some very bad memories of Valentine’s Day throughout the years.

It’s mostly remnants of my sister and the trauma of our family breaking up. I let go of that. She made her decisions. They hurt. She never apologized for that, but demanded apologies from me. Still does 25+ years later and after she’s been given more than enough throughout the years.

So, it’s never been my favourite to celebrate… and has always felt like the most ridiculous and cheesiest of holidays.

And I don’t know where this is coming from… or why now. I feel hopeful and happy (when I’m not sad and grieving because of Lexi). I’ve never wanted to celebrate love or being in love because it felt kind of hokey. Disingenuous.

But I want to celebrate how I feel about you this year.

And it all feels hopeful to me. Some of that may be self-affirming. But I know some of it isn’t.