Why though...

What is wrong with me that when i read something my SO posts that sounds loving, like she misses someone, why does my first thought assume its in reference to someone else. And not me? When did my self worth sink so low? I used to be happy and confident but lately im questions and second guesses. I just dont understand when my self identity took a nose dive to about 6ft underground.

Can’t sleep

I feel like in going insane. No way of knowing though. I’d lie to me. But ive never been this person before. Just fuckin kill me.

I am panicked

Spiriling is probably more accurate. I’ve convinced my self of thing i know to be untrue. But try to explain that to anxiety. Now I’m sick to my stomach can’t shake the headache and on a direct path to self destruction and i have no idea what to do or how to change course. I genuinely feel like I’m going crazy. I know its just my brain trying to make things that aren’t real, real. Some feeble attempt by my self concious to have control over something when it feels like everything is completely out of my control. I gueas im just destined to fuck this up again. And here i thought getting older was supposed to provide clarity.

Okay, yeah, how did you guess

(Skrrt) I am a wreck

I set a record for bein' upset

Truthfully, honestly, I am a mess

I am depressed

I am obsessed

With self-depricating

And blamin' myself

Socially lyin'

Denyin' the help

I'm holdin' up

Like pants sit in a belt

It is 6:47AM

I just woke up in your bed and you're still sleeping but that's okay because you don't work till later. More importantly though I just woke up with you laying right here beside me and nothing in this world feels more right than this. Now its 6:49 and you're snoring. But i swear that it is music to my ears. How could any noise coming from your beautiful self be anything but. 6:51 and I'm yawning. The sun's not even up yet but here I am making plans to leave you. I want nothing more than to lay in this bed all day with you but duty calls and i still have to work. It's 6:53 our adorable fur baby is meowing at the bedroom door. She always does this but one mention of her name and she comes over. The clock just turned 6:55 and I'm thinking of one week from now. Because then I wont have to leave you. We'll both be off and sleeping in on a mini vacation. Now it is 6:57 and I am happy. The past 10 minutes spent here beside you in the dark will be the best part of my day. I love you more than life itself and it's here in the dark, with you, that i find out what it truly means to belong, to be happy, to be loved.

2018

I’m coming for you. Plain and simple. No more waiting for my time to come. This year I make my own chances. This year I’m going back to school. This year I’m redefining my definition of Mental Health. This year I won’t fall in to old habits. This year I will make the most of everyday we spend together (I love you). This year I will write again, not just my book but my thoughts and my feelings. This year I will speak my mind and my heart. This year I will set goals and I WILL reach them. This year will be more reward and less regret. This year I will eat better, get some sleep, and lose that 40 pounds. This year, This will be my year.

So get ready 2018.. The fight starts now.

Still my favorite tattoo. always nice to have a permanent reminder of what you’re fighting for in life.

There's love to be found

And with your hand pressed to mine I'll be fine And if the air that I breathe Is the same air you breathe I'll be alright