Just broke up with someone after 6 months. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been on here, but I need a space to convey how I feel and I do want people to be able to read and relate to what I’m going through.
I met someone in an internship. A summer thing, totally unexpected. We hit it off like you wouldn’t believe. I was head over heels. We would just talk for hours and hours. It was so pleasant and we became instant best friends. One thing led to another and he kissed me. My first kiss. From that point on, we established we were dating. I couldn’t have been more excited. I told everyone I knew I thought I’d met my soulmate. Meeting someone who had identical political views, liked bars of soap, didn’t like sweet foods, was pretty much a germaphobe, and who didn’t like hugs. I thought I’d found someone I’d be with for a long time.
As things went on and our summer ended, he went back to college. Only 2 hours away, I wasn’t that worried. He would come down on the weekends for an organization we were a part of. He'd come down and just want to stay home and watch TV. When I’d talk, he’d act more annoyed week after week as he paused the TV. I’d sit there for hours talking with his parents as he watched TV. I grew to love his mom... his pug. That dog slowly became the highlights of his weekends back in town. The dog seemed to care I was there more than he did.
I asked him to name 3 reason he liked me so I had affirmation. He told me he wasn’t going to do a homework assignment. I was upset. He didn't see anything wrong with it. I remained faithful he’d turn around and begin to show me liked me as time went on. The boy from the summer was fading.
But he got more distant. As I sat there and met every family member, I began to love the family I’d spent so much time with. They were all so interesting and so enjoyable to talk to, I felt like I had found someone perfect, when I neglected it was really his family and his pug that kept me there.
He came to my birthday party my family forces every year. My aunt and uncle, both artists, asked him endless questions about his math major. He told me that anyone who describes themselves as artsy is stupid after he met them. I acted like I didn't care.
Each weekend he came down, he’d do homework. I’d be nice and say I understood since his major was demanding. He would only do homework. He wouldn’t talk to me.
He wouldn't leave the house. It was always us staying at his house, so he could drink. I wasn't more important than beer.
He complained he hated coming down so much. He realized I was actually listening, and he said he didn't mean seeing me.
His friends were going out. But he was with me. He told me he wished he was with his friends instead. He tried to apologize.
I told him I got a haircut. He told me if I was ugly when I got back, we were done.
He made me put on his shoes for him. I said no. He playfully put me in a leg lock. My ribs were bruised from it.
He’d watch commercials and point out the girls he thought he could get with. He told me I should be lucky to have someone as handsome as him.
He yelled at me the other day. Asked me to run to my car. I briskly walked. He shouts: “Could you AT LEAST jog a little?”
I told him I was scared to walk to my car in the dark. That being a young woman was scary. He said: “Ok I get it you have a hard life.”
I took him to a restaurant I like. He didn't like it. Next time I wanted to take him somewhere he told me no, saying: “I don't want you taking me to another gross ass place.”
He wanted to break up with me. He sat me down and said that I was the right girl at the wrong time. He said he wished he met me later in life. That he’d never meet another girl like me. That he knew leaving me would be the biggest mistake he made. He told me he treated me like shit and that I was nothing but good to him.
The next day, he cried. He said he didn’t want to lose me. He said it wouldn't be worth it.
Today he told me he really liked me. Past tense. He said he’d still respect me. He told me he just wanted to be with someone who would argue and debate with him. Weeks before, I told him I didn't like arguing. And he just wanted to argue. That’s what he wanted to do. I was the one breaking up with him, and he turned it around. I cried. He raised his voice again. He didn’t say bye. He drove off. I felt like shit. I feel like shit. I can’t get up from my bed. I have been sobbing so hard all I do is wail. I can’t move. I shake. I had such high hopes for him. I thought he’d change. I thought if I was the right girl, he'd try harder. He didn't ever care.
I can do better, but I don't want to. I wanted him to do better. I don’t know when things will get better. I lost my best friend, not just my boyfriend. I lost everything I’d invested my all in to. I’m a mess, but I wish I had been worth more to him. My all wasn’t enough.
