I have ADHD and sometimes it means I have trouble sleeping because I get what I have termed 'late night zoomies' and my doctor terms 'restraint collapse and mental hyperactivity related insomnia'.

Basically when my meds wear off and the more tired my body and brain gets at night, the less I can control my train of thought and the dopamine hunt goes nuclear so I don't want to sleep, I would rather deep dive into a hyperfixation or re-organise my nail polish collection.

To curb this my doctor said we have three options:

1. Melatonin. Chemical that tells your brain it's time to sleep. Except I already know that and I still don't sleep.

2. Fenurgen. Antihistamine that knocks people out. But could potentially interact with my other medicaton.

3. Quetiapine. Which is a sedative used for schizophrenics and bipolar patients who can't regulate their mania.

I was sceptical about using this so waited weeks before filling the script. I got the lowest dose pills, doc recommended I take half of one which is less than 20mgs.

I went to bed and half an hour later felt... I dunno... Sluggish. Like i was on slow motion.

Up to now I've been averaging 5-6 hrs of sleep a night for months.

I just woke up, slept HARD for 9 hrs. Goddamn.

Turns out I need to be sedated sometimes.

Putting this here to remind myself that when I start doubting my ADHD is a real thing that really affects me, that I sometimes need to be sedated to sleep because my brain can't stop dopamine hunting.

Buck's dismissal of him being into Eddie because "He's straight".

BUCK. THAT'S NOT A NO.

Classic linguistic giveaway of a lie is when someone is accused of something and either counters it with evidence it couldn't be true, or questions why someone would even accuse them. (Ie: "Why would you even ASK me that?")

Instead of a simple refusal.

'No' is one word. It's easier and comes to mind much more quickly if it's the truth.

"You think I'm in love with Eddie? I'm not!" would have been easier. But he can't say it. Cause it's not true.

---

Side note: it's fucking wild that buck used the phrase "in love with Eddie?"

When NO ONE said he was in love with him.

Tommy said he was competition. That's all. Buck added everything else. He connected the dots really quickly after that. Almost like it's occured to him before.

Tommy said 'it felt like I was competing with Eddie for your attention' and Buck rebuttal 'but Eddie's straight! I can't be in love with him!'

Buck Buckley is the best at telling on himself.

Tim said he didn't want to do the 'queer person in love with their straight best friend's thing. But he's not. Cause Eddie ain't straight.

Tommy was right about Buck and scoffs at the idea of Eddie being straight. Like him or hate him his gaydar seems pretty reliable.

For the record, and because some people may not know, Dissociative Identity Disorder is what the 9-1-1 writers were implying was the cause of Detective Amber Braeburns violence in the latest episode.

If you weren't sure why this is important and definitely not good for the 9-1-1 writers to have done, it's because D.I.D is a real thing, it affects real people and the media constantly micharacterises it as something it isn't, to devastating effect.

The thing is, D.I.D is not something anyone is born with, it is caused by severe and repeated psychological/emotional and or physical trauma inflicted on a person during their childhood.

When you're a kid you are just forming your sense of self and your personality and if a person undergoes a severe and horrifying trauma while the mind is still developing, it can disrupt the process and basically split off or break parts of a person's self or personality.

This happens because in order to survive such trauma without completely ceasing to function, the brain will protect itself, by separating out the traumatic memories and creates alters (personalities/selves either whole or partial) to hold that trauma so that childs the body and mind can still function and operate or protect itself.

As you can imagine when any person or alter suffers horrific trauma it can hurt them mentally, increasing the risk of depression, self harm, addiction, PTSD, flashbacks, amnesia, panic attacks and many other trauma responses.

It is not their fault. It is a terrible reality for many people and they are forced to deal with the resulting lingering effects of this trauma for years or the rest of their lives, depending on treatment or availability of support. Re-integration of the alters into one self is possible but only one of many options a D.I.D sufferer has.

Basically, imagine a poor defenseless child is subjected to horrific abuse, and it breaks their development.

Now tell me why movies and tv shows think that means they'll become hardened killers or violent psychopaths? This could ot be further from the truth.

Any psychiatrist worth their salt will tell you that trauma sufferers and those with D.I.D are far more likely to harm themselves than to ever harm anyone else. In fact they are LESS likely to harm or be violent with others than a non-sufferer.

It is a gross and damaging mischaracterisation of the disorder and victimises one of the most vulnerable groups of people in our society and it's time it stopped.

For transparency, I do not have D.I.D, but there are many who do and for obvious reasons they can not always or do not always feel safe advocating for themselves so I'm happy to. Also I fucking hate when storytellers punch down on vulnerable people like this.

I aspire to Kendricks energy. Like, live your life and don't race anyone but yourself and your goals. Pursue your dreams with a good work ethic. Put back into your community, lift up voices that need a platform.

And above all:

Fuck shitty people. It is always worth a minimum effort to piss off shitty people. If being you aggravates people? Good. Be more yourself. Make em' madder.

If you do not have the energy to go on, picture the faces of people who'd be happy at your downfall and survive out of sheer fucking mindedness.

Cause fuck em that's why.

This is the energy I hoped we'd bring into 2025:

I've never been happier to drag someone down with me! You're welcome/I'm so sorry!

The meme on here '...two things that can and should co-exist' is actually a vital part of a mental health journey.

My therapist has taught me that a lot of our inner turmoil and conflict within ourselves that we can't resolve stems from where two conflicting things are true at the same time.

Eg: 'My parents were abusive' and 'I love my parents'

Or: "This situation is not innately bad for anyone" and "this situation is unhealthy for me".

We tear ourselves up trying to come to a conclusion and decide which is true when we don't need to.

Because two things can be true at the same time, they don't have to be dependent on each other and trying to simplify something as complex as the human experience and emotions down into a single point of fact will never work.

So whenever you find yourself stuck because: "I don't hate my job" and "I want to leave my job" feels incongruous, or "this person is not a bad person" and "I hate them" doesn't feel rational;

You can simply accept that both things can be true, remove the burden of trying to reconcile it off yourself and simply move forward with what would make you happiest or serve you best in that moment.