cinnamon girl
fwb!james potter x female!reader
summary: there are things i want to say to you but i'll just let you live.
warning: mentions of smut and angst.
Being friends with benefits with James Potter wasn't the easiest nor the most boring. You didn't even fully understand how you got into this predicament.
All you remember is James's obvious charm and his humor which had always enchanted you and he was always quick with his tongue.
The only problem was you were falling in love with him.
You had warned him this would happen but he had always thought you were talking about him which he assured you, he wouldn't.
You both were an outlet for all of your bullshit and problems, what made it worse was that you were friends with all of the Marauders, hanging out with them every day.
All of these thoughts passed as you were laying in his bed at this very second. You were stopped when you heard him groan, "Mmm, good morning." He smirked, kissing your neck delicately.
You gave him a polite smile, sitting up while you fiddled with your fingers, "James, I think we need to ta-" You attempted.
"Too early for talking," He moaned into his pillow, "Did you wanna get breakfast?" He asked, rising up.
You rolled your eyes, "Sure."
He gasped, "Did you just roll your eyes at me?" He looked at you with daring eyes.
"Don't." You giggled as he lunged forward, tickling you as you pleaded, trying to grasp air.
"Come on, say it!" He yelled, tickling you.
"Uncle! Uncle!" You screamed as he stood on his knees, flexing.
You kicked his stomach slightly as he toppled over you, "Dirty play." He groaned.
"Curse Remus for teaching you that saying." You whined.
"You are only mad because I can take you down." He boasted as you scoffed, remembering his body on top of you.
You tried pushing his body off of you, "Jesus lay off the bread Potter."
He pinned your arms to the sheets, looking at you as you grew flustered, "You know you like me a little chubby." He winked, kissing your lips harshly.
You could feel his entire being, the smell of home and butterbeer. He felt like warmth on a rainy day or running through a field of flowers.
He lifted his head, breaking the kiss, "Guess what?" He asked.
"Lily actually talked to me yesterday," Your smile fell, "I mean she actually talked to me! Not even an insult but she asked how Quidditch was going, and she initiated it!" He excitingly said, still on top of you.
"Good for you James." You tried your best to sound happy.
He grinned brighter, "And we might even go on a date, I mean Dorcas said Lily was actually considering it." A pang in your heart, "Isn't that amazing?" He laughed in pure happiness.
"Yes, it is James, congratulations." You simply said.
He said nothing more but instead kissed you in response.
He pulled back, "I'm just gonna go take a quick shower then we can meet the boys downstairs." He stood, "You know I do miss them but I do not miss sharing a room with them and I'm sure you don't either." He winked, grabbed his towel, and left for the washroom.
James being a prefect had its perks like a new room and being able to not wake up to a bunch of ruckuses by the rest of the Marauders.
But it didn't help with your heart, hanging out with him more often and having sex more often.
You knew James wasn't using you, you knew that he thought you wanted it too which you did but, you wanted all of James.
You wanted the label, you pleaded for it.
But you knew it would only compliment things and James was a boy, he wouldn't know what to do if you told him how you truly felt about him.
You just wished you had never agreed to this in the first place. Remus had advised you not to and you knew he was right but the way James treated you, it felt nice.
He never neglected to tell you how beautiful you were or how grateful he was to have you, even telling you that he 'loved' you.
You knew he loved you but not in the way that you loved him.
He always showered you with kisses and affection. On Valentines Day, he even got you an entire bouquet of chocolate roses. And on Christmas, he got you a perfume that smelled of everything you loved.
Lavender, peaches, violet, him.
You wished life could be easier.
You knew that in another universe, you and James probably had three kids, all of them running around like crazy while James chased them around and you baked chocolate muffins and smiled brightly about your life.
You could only wish it would happen in this one.
You chose to stop pondering on things that aren't real and get ready for classes.
During the walk to the dining hall, James could not stop talking about Lily and how he was excited that she was finally noticed him in a good way.
"Are we still on for tonight?" He asked, "I was thinking we could sneak into the kitchens, just us."
"It's a date." He joked, wrapping his arm around you. You did an awkward laugh before sitting down in the middle of James and Remus with Peter and Sirius across from you all.
"About time," Sirius exasperated, "I know you guys like fucking but it's taking a toll on me."
You rolled your eyes, throwing a piece of bread at him, "Don't be mad because you don't get laid." You said, grabbing an apple.
"Y/n, I think you forgot who you are talking to." He scoffed.
You shook your head, putting some eggs on your plate as James started telling Sirius and Peter about Lily. Remus looked at you in tiredness.
"There is no way you haven't told him how you felt yet." He whispered.
You shushed him despite the fact of James being next to you, "There is nothing to tell." You whispered.
A bell signaled everyone to get to their classes as you started going, "Y/n, let me walk you!" James yelled.
"James, we have the same class as the rest of the boys." You giggled.
"I was trying to be romantic." He pouted as you hit him softly with your shoulder.
Romantic? That made absolutely no sense but that was his beautiful humor.
You felt a hand on your waist as you looked at James, his expression didn't falter, still laughing at a joke he had made.
You liked that he could comforately do that without caring if people thought you guys were a couple or not but you knew it meant nothing to him, just a friendly thing.
"So Y/n," Sirius wrapped his arm around you as James moved his own hand off, looking a bit pissed off, "Are you going to sit with me today?" He asked, giving you a not-so subtle wink.
You played along, "What do I get out of it Black?" You smirked, looking up at him.
"Well.." He paused, "I can make you come in five minutes with this finger," He held up his ring finger, "Under the desk." He winked.
Remus and James grimaced as you laughed, "In your dreams Black." You left his arms, hitting him lightly in the stomach.
He pouted, "How come she will fuck James and not me? I am way better in bed."
"No, you aren't mate." James scoffed, "She's in love with my tongue." He said, sticking his tongue out at Sirius.
Sirius gave him a mocking face as you all entered the classroom. You noticed that Lily was sitting at an empty desk, looking at James already.
You sat down at an empty desk, hoping that James would sit with you. You looked at him as well, he was looking at you then back at Lily.
He walked forward to you as a wave of relief passed over you, "I'll see you tonight, okay?" He said to you as disbelief took your expression entirely.
He didn't wait for an answer, sitting down next to Lily.
You couldn't believe that he had done that to you, you never thought James would be so cruel.
You sat there in silence, just staring straight across from you.
Peter sat down next to you, taking your hand in his as a way of understanding.
You squeezed his hand, thanking him as you looked over to see James and Lily laughing about something.
Your heart was breaking at the sight of it all.
The class seemed as if it took an eternity to end. Usually, you had James there to make jokes and make the class worth the misery of Slughorn's long lectures but instead, he was making jokes and making the class worth the misery for Lily.
You saw Lily and James exchanging their last words, smiling at each other as Lily left, blushing ferociously.
James came beaming, rushing to tell you all about his encounter with Lily and how well it had gone.
It was actually giving you a headache.
You cut him off finally, "I'm gonna go lay down actually."
"Are you all right?" James asked.
"Yeah, just tired." You replied convincingly.
"Oh okay, I'm gonna go hang out with Lily at Hogsmeade for a bit after lunch but I'll be back before tonight." He mentioned before talking to the rest of the Marauders, not waiting for your response.
You turned away and made it toward your dorm.
You couldn't help but be pissed at James for even treating you like this. Usually, it was annoying but it wasn't intolerable or something that made you sick.
It was as if James couldn't care for your well-being today.
You weren't used to this James, the James that fully neglected you for Lily Evans.
He might've been not that attentive but only before Quidditch matches, never because of Lily.
You knew he cared about your feelings but today, it felt like you completely dismissed them.
You did actually have a headache though.
Taking a nap would most likely fix it faster than a bunch of classes and boring lectures.
You awoke after hours, the buzzing in your head finally being non-existent.
All of your dorm mates were in bed so dinner had already passed, it was time for you to meet up with James.
You had put on your prettiest set of pink pajamas, spraying the best perfume you had that smelled of violet and citrus.
Sneaking in the kitchens would be your only problem sadly due to the excessive guarding of the corridors.
Usually, you would use the invisibility cloak but James had it and there was no possible way of going to his dorm and getting it from him.
You risked being caught, sneaking to the kitchens, using your wand as a small flashlight.
Thankfully, you didn't get caught and you made it to the kitchens. No elves were in sight as you grabbed tubs of ice cream, and whipped cream with chocolate syrup and cherries.
You sat down on a stool, not wanting to start eating without James.
You had waited an hour and thirty minutes so far, but no sight of James yet. You were worried that he was so tired that he forgot.
The ice cream started melting and you had to use a freezing spell to stop it.
You started nodding off, about to sleep before you heard two voices laughing.
You looked over to see James and Lily laughing, his jacket around her shoulders as you were internally fuming.
They both stopped laughing at the sight of you.
"Oh Y/n," He looked at you in shock, "I totally forgot about tonight." He looked entirely guilty.
You didn't respond, but instead, you got off of the stool and grabbed your wand.
You went towards the doorway where they were, "Excuse me." You excused yourself as Lily moved and James didn't.
"Y/n." He said, looking at your eyes that were glossy.
"I said excuse me, James." Your voice broke.
He moved beside you as you stormed off toward your dorm.
You heard footsteps charging after you as you looked behind you, "Stop." You sobbed as James stopped in his tracks, "I'm not going to talk about this, go back to your date." You demanded.
"You are important to me." He said.
"More important than her?" You asked, tears falling down your cheeks.
He didn't know what to say, "Yeah, that's what I thought."
You turned away, "I always put you first." You said before looking back again.
"I understand if we can't be more than whatever the fuck we are but at least have enough respect for me to not make me wait for you." You argued.
"I never meant to hurt you," James said, guilty.
"But you continue to do it and it's shameless," You sobbed, "You know no matter what, I will always be there for you, I will always be at your beck and call and you know it's because I love you." You said.
He stood speechless, "But you used me as a placeholder for her until she gave in." You cried.
"I never used you, I thought it was mutual-" He tried explaining.
"I tried to tell you this morning how I felt and you ignored me, you didn't even let me try to tell you." You stated, "But you never care to listen to me, you only use me for sex." You spat.
"Y/n, I-" He started but you both heard footsteps.
"You are out of time, James." You said, turning your heel and running off to your dorm.
