“People keep coming up to me, including my own pastor, and saying, ‘Steve, God has a plan for you to continue making incredible sums of money while podcasting out of your luxury apartment in Manhattan for a few hours every day.’ All I’m saying is that when people believe you’re the man to spend 2028 floating around in your private pool and eating Michelin-star meals without a care in the world, you need to take those beliefs seriously.” Stephen A. Smith added that he was on the verge of forming an exploratory committee to see how sweet his life could possibly get.
“Do you hear how ridiculous it sounds to expect that I could see myself reflected in another human being’s experience? Even if I wanted to, there’s no way I could acknowledge the plight of someone who is suffering because I am completely numb to the pain of others. My hands are tied because I’m totally dead inside.” At press time, President Trump had publicly thanked Nayib Bukele for his use of cruelty to project a facade of strength.
In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a “transformative experience,” Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he’d gone on an ayahuasca retreat in search of new interview anecdotes. “When I first did ayahuasca, I knew immediately that I’d found something that I could talk about for hours on all types of media platforms,” said Rodgers, who added that ingesting hallucinogens with the help of a shaman finally gave him the power, wisdom, and mental clarity to discuss his newfound drug use nonstop on podcasts, radio shows, and TV programs.
This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Paternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report released Friday found that local wife Casey Davis, 37, hadn’t been home in a few days. “Huh, that’s weird,” said Nick Davis, who was quoted in the report and who looked from a television playing a rerun of Chicago Fire to a window showing that his wife’s car was still not in the driveway after what must have been two or three days.
Taken aback by the packaging’s unexpected honesty and directness, sources expressed surprise Wednesday upon noticing that a can of brand-name aerosol disinfectant was so forthright about giving you cancer. “Look, it says ‘CONTAINS KNOWN CARCINOGENS’ almost as big as the Lysol logo—damn, they really went for it,” said 29-year-old resident Maureen Benthos as she inspected the can while shopping at a local Target, pointing out that the container had the word ‘carcinogenic’ in three other places, all in bold, red lettering.
Providing insight into the potential causes underlying the unhealthy behavior, a Duke University study released Wednesday has discovered a strong correlation between binge eating and feelings of stress, contentment, depression, joy, boredom, anger, and relaxation. “Our data indicate that a highly positive, negative, or completely neutral emotional state is associated with a drastic increase in the quantity of food a person will consume in a single sitting,” said the study’s lead author, Helen Ermel, who noted that feelings of anxiety, self-confidence, embarrassment, grief, relief, hostility, composure, envy, pity, pride, and regret were also found to be linked to overeating.
Saying it was time to build upon the music and arts festival’s two-decade track record of success, organizers for Coachella announced plans Tuesday to extend the event to 52 weekends a year. “Doing two weekends annually has been great, but to really maximize the festival’s potential, we’ve decided to add another 50 to the calendar,” said spokesperson Lauren Porter, explaining that Coachella believed it was not taking full advantage of the market for ticket buyers willing to camp three days in the desert to watch Harry Styles, Calvin Harris, or Childish Gambino on a jumbotron while standing 100 yards from the stage.
Providing insight into how American citizens participate in the political process, a report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center revealed that the vast majority of civic engagement in the U.S. centers around oppressing other people. “We found that Americans are fairly active in making their voices heard and engaging in the public sphere, typically in an effort to restrict the rights of those who look or behave differently from them,” said lead researcher Dana McNeil, who added that well over two-thirds of the nation’s rallies, petitions, and letter-writing campaigns were aimed at making life worse for a portion of the population of which the participants were not a part.
Touting the tickets as offering the best experience for fans of the music festival, Coachella organizers on Thursday reportedly unveiled premium VIP areas where fans will be able to see and hear the bands. “For just $1,299, our special VIP passes give festival attendees parking, admission to the campground, and exclusive access to the only areas in the entire festival from which you can hear and see live music,” said Coachella spokesperson Melanie Watters, adding that general admission tickets were also on sale for those festivalgoers who were interested in seeing or hearing the bands, but not both.