maybe this isn't the "right" place to talk about this but, using this website helped me when i was feeling down many times before and i never felt so desolate in my whole existence. T_T
my relationship is over, it lasted for four years, and i have been dealing with the feeling of dependency for a month and a half now because my partner stopped talking to me. he wasn't texting, calling or even speaking to me at all, we live in different cities and of course we were best friends, so we talked every single day, suddenly everything changed, and i was feeling awful, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat.
i even felt like i didn't want to live anymore. </3
these last days i actually got better, i was watching movies, trying to distract myself, and trying to learn how to love myself again, and thinking "well, this will pass, i just need to wait and respect him, we'll always be together and this will pass".
but, on this last sunday, september 26, he finally texted me, opened up and was really sincere about everything, telling me things aren't working out anymore, that it's time for both of us move on with our lives by ourselves, etc. it hit me like a damn truck. four years, four years of talking to each other, traveling together, spending months on each other's houses, the memories, everything... it's such a weird feeling, it's like a void.
i was actually dealing with it quite okay. like i didn't care. but yesterday i needed to find a picture on my phone and i scrolled to find it, and i saw all of our pictures together, there's more than two thousand pictures there. and it hadn't hit me until then; but then i realized: it's all over, forever. i'm all alone.
i totally broke down, my parents tried to help me, but i couldn't stop crying, i was shaking, i couldn't breath. i texted him, even thought we deleted each other's numbers, i still know his number of course, i asked if it's really over forever, and he replied, he said it's really forever, but that he will always love me, respect me and will be always grateful because i was the best person he has ever met.
i don't know. i really don't know how but i will have to find out. find out how to be myself again. before i met him, i was such a lone wolf, i never enjoyed talking to people, i loved being by myself in my room, playing sims all day long, listening to music and being in complete peace, i could NEVER in a million years imagine myself needing a man to "survive", but this is how i felt with him, i felt like i could die without his attention and his love.
how can i go back to being that person? how can i go back to being myself? because i lost myself years ago, i wasn't me anymore, i became "us".
i have my stuff to do, i'm in culinary school and i'm having so much fun there, i have my hobbies, i'm always trying to find a job and i know i will find one soon, i will go back to play my lovely games, i will go back to being myself, to loving myself. i need to.
i don't know if anyone even remember my posts or would like to see them again, but i need to distract myself, to learn how to have fun by myself again.
i'm 23 years old, i met him when i was 19, that was 19 years of my life where i didn't need a partner to survive, where i loooved being with my own company, i was always so independent, so i'm sure i'm capable of being that person again!
if you read everything, thank you so much. i just needed to get this out of my chest. T_T