Love is not a game.

Some people mistake drama for passion passion for love but that’s not love really it’s a little thing called lust a case of mild to extreme infatuation a need, a desire, a dependence It’s not real love.

Some people think He called me to say good-night He waited outside my room for me He looks for me everywhere How romantic - That’s not romantic That’s a game people play to assert power over each other.

Why does love have to be dramatic? Why does it need to be showy? Why must there always be tears? Do you have to cry to show that you care? Do you have to test how much you can hurt someone and in turn be hurt to prove that your love is real?

I find it funny that love has to involve so much heartbreak heartbreak every other day for every careless comment for the shameful things we say and do the things we can never take back maybe forgiven, but never forgotten Why is love so petty?

If that’s what love is, then I’m not sure I want any part of it. The drama - maybe, it helps feel you alive to test the limits of the human spirit and soul to reach the highest high and the lowest low you’ll ever experience - but that’s not enough for me.

Love should be constant it doesn’t make a great movie but I appreciate the sentiment underlying the day-in, day-out grating of personalities that create sparks in some ways and perhaps violently clash in others the give-and-take between two people who are trying so hard to please each other yet stay true to themselves

There is something comforting in a love that doesn’t shout to make itself known no words are needed

Love is a silent bond an unyielding trust it isn’t always passionate, only rarely dramatic sometimes it’s plain boring…

tonight I dropped my earring on the floor it broke super glue???

anyone?

can super glue do the trick? a quick and easy fix-it

WISH you were here to pick up the broken piece and laugh at me

it’s an earring you’d say

who cares?

i wouldn’t care if I had you you could break all my earrings I wouldn’t care if only I had you

The trivial actually feels trivial because your love is so vast so expansive so infinity and everlasting and beyond because in your arms a moment lasts a lifetime and i would feel h a p p y

but right here right now? i have a broken earring it’s in.. so many pieces i can’t find them all i cannot put them back together and it will never be the same again and I’ve only worn them twice what a waste what a shame and i don’t even have you

i don’t even have you

i would rather have you

where are you?

Nobody in the World Knows Who I Am

I am multi-faceted a walking contradiction I will defy your expectations set up a reputation, only to break it I want to surprise you at every turn

Doesn’t it feel powerful? To Be So in Control Or rather - what is it - out of control? 

What we need more than anything in this world is to feel the sense that we are needed.

We need the selfish demands of others competing with our selfish desires to feel validated

When you pretend not to need someone you are shutting that person out you are denying a basic human instinct to reach out, to listen, to care, to give and to love

If you don’t give me anything what can I give you back?

We want to be privy to the secrets of the soul that can only be shared to us by others we seek to understand we seek to know the mysterious why’s that guide people’s actions

Love is not about only giving the good it’s also about sharing the bad Love is companionship through the up and down Love is a sense of togetherness, wholeness, completeness

You don’t have to give me all the details the blurred edges, the outline of the shape of things would be enough 

Carmel-by-the-Sea

So take me to those places Take me there to so many childhood haunts filled with care Take me to the places you remember so well with fondness in your voice, that make your heart swell Let me remember with you the nostalgia of your past I’ll reconstruct the memory as we create a new shared path Take me into your arms let me feel your heart beat fast as the wind rushes past our faces please take me to those places

Please open up to me the corners of your heart the secrets and fears you have been hiding Please let me be a part of you, your life, I want to be you be with you I know it can be hard but share with me please 

Take me to those places where you have felt joy love or pain Take me somewhere in the snow, the sun, or rain I promise I won’t laugh I promise I won’t judge I promise I won’t love you less Take me to those places that nobody else knows They have seen your many faces but not what you won’t show where the outside meets the inside That’s where I want to go

Take me there.

I am waiting for your call wondering what you’re doing and where you are I am hoping you will stop a second to think about me So push those buttons you know them so well dial a number and talk to me I hug my phone the way I wish I could hug you so close that I could smell you and feel your breath on me I smile so hard with laughter with tears with feeling I would never share face to face

So pick up the phone and call me 

Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams

You are my reason my reason for trying to look better, to be a better person every day

I look in the mirror and I wonder what changes I could make what changes would be enough to convert me into the right person for you

You are the light in the darkness though sometimes you bring the darkness with you I always forgive you perhaps too quickly too easily

I can never say no to you I don’t want to say no to you I wish I knew better what you wanted so I could give in equal measure all that you need

You mean more to me than you know more than I care for you to know too much it’s embarrassing how much

So I’m not going to tell you One day I’ll be ready to break the silence. 

I want to find someone for whom I can really make all the difference

If I could touch your soul and bring in the light, I would If I could coax a laugh, a reluctant smile from you If I could make your day seem lighter by squeezing your hand If I could hug your worries away If I could make you feel loved then I would know that I am right for you

And if I can’t then I just need to let it go stop saying yes, time to start saying no and if you don’t miss me if you can’t figure out the difference if you don’t notice a thing…

Friendship

I will catch you if you fall I will see you through it all I will watch you make mistakes and turn your hate on me

I will try my best to love you though I’m tempted to give up I will try my best to forgive you I don’t know if it’ll be enough

I wonder what ‘unconditional’ means must you always prove your love for me? I wonder what ‘friendship’ is nothing good in life comes easily

Will you catch me if I fall? Will you see me through it all? Will you watch me make mistakes and turn my hate on you?

Can you try your best to love me though you’re tempted to give up? Could you possibly forgive me is our bond strong enough?

We make our choices.  Now live with the consequences

Halloween

YES let us all pretend to be someone else .

YES let us feign interest - where none exists feign indifference - where everything matters feign smiles - where there should be tears i’m sorry i slapped you but i can’t help it if that’s just my automatic reaction to you it’s not that i despise you it’s just that i don’t even know

YES let us pretend to smile yes let me take your hand yes let’s pretend

YES hide it yes hide it hide it hide it behind our costumes and masks I’M BLAIR WALDORF AND I AM A BITCH

the truth is i am a bitch every day every night inside i am hiding it all inside

and TONIGHT you almost got to see the bitch come out

are you ready for the ugly side to come out 

resilience, my dear

I understand the temptation to lose control the desire to drown away all your hopes your fears your loves and tears drown it all away wash it all away if you come out on the other side then that will be the test can you make it out on the other side that’s how you know you’re good enough you’re strong enough

because you can’t count on other people to save your life for you “you save yourself or you remain unsaved” because the people you love will not always love you back will not always call you back will not always feel what you need them to feel will not always know what you need them to know

so you take a little and then you take a lot and you hope that if you smile you can laugh it all away

so you live a little and you laugh a lot and if you believe in good things then good things must surely come your way

so you know don’t you know? life doesn’t get any better than this even at my worst i’m doing pretty damn fine and life doesn’t get any better than this i can’t wait for life to get any better than this because life is for living for loving and giving and until i learn to love and give then who am i to ask for anything at all who has the right to need from others, anything – at all

who has the right to ask of me anything at all

so you take a little then you take a lot and what you discover is that even a lot is never quite enough because nothing will fill the emptiness inside of you the lingering doubts no cure for insecurity

the feeling that you stand alone

It is strange how consistently history cycles into the present

I can’t pretend that I don’t need some support too I can’t pretend that it’s okay for you to let me in one day and shut me out the next I can’t pretend that your troubles are greater than mine all the time Don’t I get some credit too?

I can’t accept the way you treat me at your convenience on an as-needed basis and I can’t be around someone who hurts my feelings as often as you do

When i need help I will not be turning to you not only because I feel that you could not provide it but also because I know you would resent every second of it

I do not want what is not willingly and gladly offered And maybe it’s about time I stop offering beyond as-needed You don’t need me You need anybody 

All the material goods in the world are immaterial if the emotional grounding is not there

I can't sleep at night

I haven’t been sleeping well I wake up so early and I get so tired and I stay up so late because I can’t fall asleep at night

Is it a case of anxiety? Some kind of nerves A fear of sinking Or a longing for ‘something solid, something real’ something to hang onto

I stay awake at night as if I am waiting for something All I want to do is fall asleep as if it doesn’t matter as if I have no cares I want to sink into a forgetful slumber wake up in the morning and feel like everything is okay

I see you and I have mixed feelings mourning for a past I no longer care for realizing there’s a future that may never materialize

my jaws are clenched as i am writing this there’s a tense spot in my head my ears are alert

why the fuck can’t i go to sleep

what is keeping me up why can’t i get some rest i have no energy i am hysterical i have no control over my laughs, my loves, my life, my tears everything feels bittersweet now

This is she

She would be beautiful, slender, light and airy How little space she would take - yet her smile and her laughter would light up the world

She would love your music love watching the play of your fingers dancing over keys tickling the strings of an old friend

She would love your heart the pains you take to care for the ones around you your utter lack of selfishness she would share it too

And your art, she would complement with her own brand of creativity what better muse could there be than she?

Yet she would not need you She would only love you and want you and the very best things for you she would not break your heart and you could not break hers if you tried

Who is she? No wonder you haven’t found her You deserve better and better still