yet another homestuck liveblog.

And for the the 345th time, I forget to save the game and take half an hour to get back to the right point.

FROM WHO?!? …It begins to dawn on me that maybe… is she aware that her grandpa is dead?? Or is she in some sort of shock that makes her fail to realize it? Because she didn’t tell a soul that she was living alone on the island. She was nonchalantly chatting about Grandpa with Dave before.

….I don’t know how many times I began writing chunks of text when the explanation was on the next panel. I lost count of it.

Yeah, well, no way he was gonna die. And he has a pretty thick skin anyway… no, not figuratively, HE HAS GOT A CARAPACE. And we cannot give commands to anyone anymore, thanks PM.

WHOAAAAA, I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST UNCOVERED THE BIGGEST MYSTERY IN HOMESTUCK!!!! The arm’s owner is… just David Brimner! The poor man was just trying to get his mail back with his ghostly powers! Oh, David, you silly prankster, you gave me such a hard time! Haha, I actually thought this was an important plot point, how silly of me! :)

Well, PM. Would you look at that. It’s like your personal cute doggy who brings you the mail on saturday’s morning! Just don’t slay him this time.

DON’T TRUST HIM, LIL’ WORMY!! He has only got eyes for the letter! He doesn’t care about you! He will kill you as soon as he gets his weak pathetic digits on that envelope! Just between you and me, lil’ wormy, I think he isn’t that alright in the head, all that talk about mail and politics, I think he wants to build an empire populated by mailbots, watch out.

Oh, the betrayal! Jasper is turning in his grav— well, you kind of defiled it a little while ago… But wherever he is, be sure he is turning!! Oh, he is turning like you wouldn’t believe! Turning and spinning and turning, it would put your youth roll to shame!

Look, all that pink and cats and wizards messed up with her head and now she talks like a normal thirteen y/o kid. I can’t believe she put something not purple on.

 And that countdown expired half an hour ago, just sayin’.

Not a transportalizer. Could or could not be an appearifier where you don’t have to insert coordinates?

I think there was a time in which a countdown was near expiring. I vaguely remember Rose being concerned about it. But it was so long ago, the memory is fuzzy and distan— GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!

WHAT. He had a little suit on even when he was alive. The crosshair is stuck on him. 

CUTENESS OVERLOAD!!! ROSE AT FOUR YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!

…In the middle of a therapy session with Jasper….

Yes, Rose. I’m sure you knew such big words at four, or even how to write at all. She’s really just making a drawing of Jaspers with tiny and badly drawn hearts all around it.

THE DAY HE DIED?!?!?! I don’t want to watch!

……………….ROSE, FOR THE SEVENTH TIME, CATS DON’T TALK!!!!!!

Eww. At least I don’t have to worry about Rose attempting to eat it because of its color.

It’s really just a bunch of random letter— OH MY FUCKING GOD. THOSE ARE THE BASE PAIRING OF DNA! …What is that thing… attempting to do… because the order displayed is mostly wrong. GG is an incorrect pairing, for example.

I’M JUST SO FUCKING GLAD SHE DIDN’T TRY TO APPEARIFY HERSELF. JUST SO FUCKING GLAD.

I’m almost sure it was Rose’s mom. Who else would be interested in bringing Jaspers back.

It’s incredible how obsessed the both of them are with that cat. And with wizards, because HONESTLY, Rose can deny it all she wants but someone who is as fascinated by dark lore as her and draws fanart of an Harry Potter parody CANNOT not be a wizards lover. They could be chatting amiably about them over tea and have the nicest mother-daughter relationship and instead they don’t even talk.

It’s not even that Rose’s Mom is not capable, it’s just that she wasn’t supposed to appearify Jaspers at all. If I got everything right it created a paradox and therefore a mutated clone. If one where to appearify someone they were meant to, even the dumbest would succeed. And by dumbest I mean John Egbert. Lalondes, step aside, we’ve got an honest to god ectobiologist here!

Can’t wait for the day we get all unethical and start cloning living beings!!

……………..

Rose and Dave: being one and the same since 1972.

Jaspers: the human whisperer.

WHO THE FUCK KILLED JASPER??!! Because that’s basically what happened. They brought him away and sent him back dead. He knew to many secrets, one day he revealed one to his cute little owner, but he never would have suspected… someone, from afar… WAS WATCHING. One week later Rose found him and a note: This is how you will end up if you say anything. Too bad Rose was four and didn’t know how to read. Or that cats don't’t know how to talk. A shame, really.

I cleared up the dynamic. Now… for the culprit…

People who had the possibility to use an apparifier: WV, PM??, Jade??, MOM.

WV and PM are to exclude because this happened nine years ago. Jade… I’m not even sure they knew each other when they were so little. That leaves…

………..I can’t believe MOM killed Jaspers. You know, it is not that much nonsensical now that I think about it. She apparified the cat from the very own laboratory Rose is into right now. She accidentally (I sure hope it was accidental!) killed the poor thing. She threw him into the river. Rose found him and brought him back home—OH MY GOD, THIS ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE, IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. If MOM killed Jaspers, she obviously felt incredibly guilty about it, trying to hide her crime, she threw him into the river in a panic, BUT ROSE FOUND HIM. SHE FUCKING BROUGHT HIM BACK HOME. Now imagine: your four years old little girl gets back home, teary eyed, with her death cat in her arms, the one YOU YOURSELF KILLED. You’re effing loaded. And kind of crazy. You love your daughter. You love the cat. You’re also wasted at the moment. What do you do?? FUCKING BUILD A MAUSOLEUM FOR THE POOR THING. HAVE A SUIT TAILORED FOR HIM. 

THE ONLY APPEARIFIER THAT CLOSE IS IN THE LABORATORY. AND IF JASPER HAD BEEN IN THE VERY SAME PLACE THE APPEARIFIER WAS, I DON’T THINK THE LOCATION COULD HAVE BEEN SHOWN.

……….MOM killed Jaspers. Oh, dear.

The infamous funeral. MOM is just drinking a mix of rain and her own tears. You know she cared. But seriously, I know it’s supposed to be overdramatic and everything but… get a freaking umbrella.

I’M LAUGHING SO HARD. ROSE, NO. LOOK AT THOSE EYES. HE LOOKS PRETTY DEAD TO ME.

A TRANSPORTALIZER. Learn the lingo, Rose. …BUT WHERE IS JASPERS??

How many cats is she even carrying??

Sometime in the near future, Dave has to put on his stern voice.

“Rose, it’s time for an intervention. You adopted 14 cats. AND ONE OF THEM WAS ALREADY DEAD. You need to stop.”

Rose stares at Dave in frigid horror. The only sounds that can be heard are the meowing of the three kitties she holds in her arms. …And the purring of the one on her head. Also the growling of the one huddled near her feet. Jaspersprite is happily floating around.

“Alright, first of all, I’m perfectly capable of defining and demarcating a line without crossing it, and should I deem necessary a change in my behaviour, I won’t need your input. Second of all, JASPERS TOTALLY DOESN'T FUCKING COUNT, HE IS MY SPRITE, YOU PRICK. You’re just jealous because your sprite is your brother’s creepy ass pupp—”

“YOU DID NOT JUST BRING CAL INTO THIS. YOU FUCKING DIDN'T— *goes on a two hours rant*”

In the background, John and Jade are facepalming. 

Headcanon that after Dave prototypes Cal, he realizes what an horrible mistake it was, and whenever somebody brings it up he flips his shit.

I found a appropriate gif for the moment, look:

IT’S PERFECT.

Time to meet Jade’s dragon!

I told you. A weird pet for a weird owner. 

H-HE IS EMANATING… A WEIRD AURA…

Jade, that is not your dog being invisible to your powers, it is just you having slow reflex! You gotta train!

Ah, yes. Time to update my list with all the ambiguous things Jade says.

Mystic Ruins…? THE ONE TRUE SOURCE OF HER POWERS. FINALLY, AN ANSWER. Okay, no but I’m getting a little impatient here, I WANT TO KNOW.

There has been so much oil showing up everywhere that I mistook those cravats for splotches of it. Amazing.

HAHAHAHAHA, I WAS RIGHT! No clowns in sight!

John is taking it… surprisingly well.

No, wait. He’s just in denial. Stand by for the proper breakdown, guys.

It’s clicking. Wait for it….

The flash hasn’t loaded yet but I can see the consequences.

There is a freaking crater in the middle of the room.

JOHN, WHAT DO YOU WANT. AT LEAST THERE AREN’T CLOWNS

GODDAMMIT I’M TRYING TO STAY COMPOSED HERE I’M ON A BUS

THE YOU GUESS CRACKED ME UP I’M A FAILURE

IT WAS SUPER OBVIOUS FOR EVERYONE WITH A BRAIN

Watching this flash in public was an horrible mistake. People are looking at me funny. Probably because trying to suppress my laughter makes me look ridiculous. And I failed miserably.

So all those years, while you believed he was out busking up the corners with hilarious antics, he was working as an ordinary business man all along. He was just a man trying to make a good honest living for his son. Maybe he was too embarrassed to tell you the truth?

Why would he be ashamed?

Or maybe it was just that you’d never bothered to ask?

You guess you always just assumed…

HE FIGURED IT OUT.

I’m so proud of you, son John. I’m acting in Dad’s stead in this arduous moment.

……When will I stop screeching every time DAD shows up. Never, I guess. He deserves it. Father of the year here.

DAD YOUR SON NEEDS YOU, COME BACK.

I’ll pay you thousands of bondollars if you let him go.

FINALLY. No. Wait. Nope. I’m not going to fall for this one. Next on we will be introducing… like…Becquerel.

My hands aren’t that ugly. And I was never given the possibility to actually insert names. I feel slightly offended.

I highly suggest, and not for the first time either, THAT YOU PUT ON YOUR HAT.

It also rings a bell. I’m not sure if I heard it already or I’m imagining it. I will have to check later.

So he is the boss of the agents who have been already mentioned??

………The Fourth Wall is missing.

Good, I don’t want you to go all vigilante on me or anything of the sort. And we just reached quote 3531577 for the number of things Grandpa has brought back from The Medium. …Even though he is dead. The Fourth Wall is smaller than the others. Or maybe that was just another window. This is confusing.

THE IMPS THE AGENTS AND EVERY BAD GUY HAS A PERSONALITY AND A THOUGHT PROCESS THIS IS AMAZING I CAN’T WAIT TO MEET EVERYONE.

Oooh, man. I- I feel him. Cmon, he’s kind of right on this one. Still… my poor eyes…

WHOA. Aww, I’m not sure DAD will be able to escape this time.

He probably gives you salary, you gotta do a good job and put on your workwear. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

…How pretty. Lovely, I say.

….That’s not how WV described him. Are you sure we are talking about the same person here??

DID HE ESCAPE???

NOBODY WILL STOP DAD UNTIL HE’S ABLE TO HUG HIS SON AND TELL HIM HOW PROUD HE IS OF HIM. HE IS A MAN ON A MISSION.

Also, this one has an heart stitched on his clothes, while Jack Noir had a Spade. ……Wait. Nope. One moment please. 

……..GODDAMMIT.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. HOW DID I NOT RECOGNIZE HIM?!?!?! OR EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME!

Why is the Midnight Crew here?!?!? Why are they concealing their identities?? Or maybe they have just got twins who make their honest living out of this in The Medium THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I suspected that the characters of The Midnight Crew might have been actual characters of the webcomic but that’s a bit different from how I imagined it. Well, not a bit. Very different.

Oh, well. I guess this is a goodbye then. Brief but intense. Because… did the notice how DAD is beating up that agent? Yeah. And did you notice how he is twice as big as you? Yeah, you’re done for. But I like you. Facing your death with your head held high. Embracing it.

GOD HELP ME IF THEY’RE HARLEQUINS

Nice!!!

Array???!!!?! Please tell me this means what I think it means.

SAY THAT AGAIN. SAY THAT TO MY FACE. I WILL FUCKING SLAY YOU, EGBERT. I’VE WATCHED YOUR TOMFOOLERY FOR WAY TO MANY PAGES.

JOHN. JOHN, NO. JOOOOOOHN!!!!!

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Yeah, I guess bringing the apocalypse is a pretty cool way to spend your thirteenth birthday. I would have opted for something simpler, or just less catastrophic but your birthday, your rules.

Eyeless or not, DAD would shed tears of proudness if he saw him.

……I can feel the sylladex shenanigans behind the corner. They’re approaching fast, and they mean businesses.

Don’t worry about me, I’m just sobbing in that corner, wondering why he brought this upon himself.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH. He deserves it.

He left the Earth to escape her
… BUT SHE FOLLOWED HIM IN THE MEDIUM!!!

Ooooh, COME ON.

This music is creepier than the Jasper one. How is this even possible.

At last, he realized it. Wow, John is having all this sudden revelations lately. Dad is not a street performer, hating a food brand is stupid…. So much character development, wow. Why does he hate it by the way?? Because it’s a famous brand?? Does John hate capitalism? And I just remembered that the day John was born, a meteor utterly destroyed the Crocker’s facility in town like: “There is only place for one of us in this city, bitch!!”

BECQUEREL!!!!!! Aww, what a nice, absolutely normal dog. He just materialized.

JADE WHAT THE FUCK DON’T SHOOT YOUR DOG. (If she does it with everyone, I’m not surprised by Grandpa’s horrible end.)

I’M CALLING WWF

IT DISINTEGRATED.

WHAT THE FUCKITY FREAKITY FLYING FUCK.

I feel kind of bad when aiming to B— WHAT THE SHIT.

I can’t believe God forgot his dog on Earth and Jade Harley adopted it, guys.

He may be omnipotent but he’s not that smart. Jade snatched up the present.

AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. THEY’RE SO CUTE, IT’S PERF–

OOOH. ….Oh. Oh, dear. Oh, my. This is…. uhm. Moving on.

…………..Jade, your narcolepsy. Don’t you have any meds to keep it down?

But why fall asleep in your bed when you have got a d— JESUS. THIS IS FUCKING ADORABLE. I’M GETTING DIABETES. I CANNOT EVEN PROVIDE A COMMENTARY.

Another ordinary day in Jade Harley’s life. ….Bec is Jade’s guardian.

That would be Jade’s dream, like… getting cat ears and a tail. She would be so jealous of Rose.

…Wasn’t her t-shirt purple before?!!?

A good question!!!!!

I can’t believe Rose’s MOM never slept in the house and she never noticed. She just spent her days in the laboratory!

…….Unlike a certain Matthew Mcconaughey’s lover.

Huh?!?! Don’t you just ‘huh’ at that! I just realized that if a meteor really hit the lab she would have lost any internet access, and therefore any possibility she had of entering The Medium. She’s got it so good and doesn’t even realize it.

………………ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!?!!?!?

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH ROOOOOOOOOSEEE

APPARENTLY, INVOLUNTARILY  KILLING EVERYONE SHE LOVES IS MOM LALONDE’S DESTINY.

My monitor’s screen is in the way between my fist and John’s face. Now that the Fourth Wall is not even there, it sure would have been nice to teach him a lesson.