Remember when Homestuck’s plot still made the slightest amount of sense? Me neither. So how many times did I type the word bullshit in all caps in this post? Just as many as I felt it was necessary. 

Oh, and last but not least: Rose probably sold her soul to the Horrorterrors. No biggie. This won’t have any consequences whatsoever. Obviosly. We’re safe. *smashes wall with my bare fists* SO SAFE.

Chessboards = I better pay attention to this flash.

That’s… Harlequinsprite?? Long time no see.

OOOOOHHH, I get it. I get it. This is how the battlefield evolves and changes with each new prototyping. Next up is Jaspersprite since Rose prototyped both times before entering.

Wait. It became a cube with Rose’s prototyping?? With lakes and vegetation… Prospit and Derse inhabitants as pawns on the chessboard….

A planet now?? Does it become a galaxy or something after Jade prototypes?? Aaand yeah, we still have got no hint about what and who she is going to prototype. She should try with a frog and see what happens. Ya know, because frogs are spechul and impurrtant~~…………..Where did the cat pun come from. Oh, no. Jade’s furry self iS INFECTING ME HELP

WONDERFUL NEWS THERE ARE CASTLES ON THE BATTLEFIELD WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED IT’S ALMOST AS GOOD AS  DRAGONS I LOVE CASTLES LET’S EXPLORE THEM FANTASY SETTINGS SO GOOD

The Prospitian flag?? OH WAIT. There was one on the castle too. That means there are castles that belong to Derse too WHEN THE FUCK DO WE GET ON SKAIA

Yikes! The Derse Army!! I don’t like this, please make a U-turn, it’s too early to fight!

hERE THEY ARE. Let’s just… talk this out. Let’s not fight AT ALL. A troubling development but tHE MUSIC IS SO GOOD THO. SO GOOD.

NOOOOOO YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO FIGHT!!!! I MEAN YOU ARE BUT PLEASE RECONSIDER!!!!!!! Sit at a table, make a truce, chill on the kids’ lands, Nanna will bake cookies for everyone……. be safe…

SPACE SHIPS???? OH GOD LOOK HOW MANY HAVE ALREADY FALLEN IN BATTLE THIS IS SO HORRIBLE AND THEY’RE ALL PROSPITIAN. PROSPIT IS ALREADY LOSING. DAMMIT

THE PAWNS ARE SO TINY AND THE OTHERS SO BIG  LOOK AT THAT ONE CRUSHED OH GODNESS

I AM VERY UPSET THIS IS NOT OKAY. He was only a farmer trying to lead a peaceful life in The Medium… Why…

WV!!!!! You’re tiny and alone and where do you think you are going raising RED FLAGS. You’re not fighting anyone, you can’t even handle your trusty knife, stay put OR SO HELP ME

And now everything suddenly makes sense. His hate for kings and his anger at the loss of the black when he played chess…. This is all really sad.

And apparently while the Queens have a ring the Kings have A SCEPTER.

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

OH! That’s amazing! So when I, a fellow concerned reader, ask you to stop fighting and offer you cookies you keep shooting lead into each other, but when Mr Stranger in Weird Purple Hood does it you fucking create an army without even blinking WOW. Just wow. I think there was some sort of inspiring and really diplomatic speech going on but since the story doen’t cover it I’m just gonna say he shouted: “LET’S STOP KILLING EACH OTHER AND KILL THAT HUGE MOTHERFUCKER THAT LIKES TO CALL HIMSELF A KING INSTEAD” and everyone nodded and said: “You know what? Fuck this, he’s right. Imma go with Purple Riding Hood.” Truly a thought-provoking moment.

PFFFFTAHAHAHAH. PM you done fucked up!! You could almost say… that she fucked up… royally…

“Yes, Your Highness The queen sent me to seek audience about the Ring.” * starts rummaging through pockets* Umh… I must have put it in my bag….. No, It’s n-not here…. *starts sweating profusely* M-maybe it’s in my hat?? *starts rummaging into hat*  (”what the heck are scotty dogs doing in here?!?”) W-well, Your Highness, it seems we are in a bit of a predicament *offers scotty dogs to him*

She just lost  the ring??? Stop giving crucial and super important objects to her??? OH NO. I spot a wild Boxcars.

FFFFUCK THEY’RE AFTER THE KING

aLONE THEY’RE WEAK BUT TOGETHER THEY’RE INVINCIBLE *clenches fists* I love WV.

With all due respect, Your Majesty…. but honey you’ve got a big storm comin’

QUIZ TIME: There is a big feathery asshole with a sword through his torso in the sky. Am I talking about Jack Noir or Davesprite??

JACK NOIR!!!! 

HOLY SHIT THERE HE GOES THERE HE FUCKING GOES

FUCKING HELL HE IS THE ONLY BLACK MONARCH NOW  

What are those scepters made of?? Play dough??? C’mon don’t skimp on something that important!!!

Whoops. Everyone is a little perplexed. I know, the Jack of Spades sure is a wild card, huh?

AAAAAAAH QUICK SOMEONE PROTECT HER

NEVER GIVE SOMETHIGN IMPORTANT TO HER EVER AGAIN ADNGIT DANGIT BOXCARS I WILL TRA CK YOU DOWN I WILL MURDER YOU

WTF WHAT THE FUCK WTF THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

There goes the scepter.

Yep, this won’t bite us in the back LIKE EVER. Obviosly. Not going to happen. We’re super safe. Safer than doing parkour on Dave’s Land. Above a carpet of lava. Yup. The king is also dead. Oh, well. Should have expected it, really. So?? Basicaly Jack is now the only one who can start the Reckoning?? By kidnapping White Queen  and King?? But doesn’t the Queen get exiled right after The Reckoning though?? I’m confused. I don’t think this is exactly a normal session by the way. Things are just a tiny bit messed up thanks to Jack.

THIS IS HANDS DOWN MY FAVORITE FLASH THOUGH. I love it. The music is absolutely beautiful, the pace is great, and I love how everyone is minding their own business, PM going to see the king, WV starting a freaking revolution, Boxcars was tracking down the king, and Jack… Jack doing whatever he thinks he is doing…. but in the end they all meet here and their stories interwine… I think theree is a name for this plot device…. I can’t belive this is my favorite plot device and I can’t remember the freaking name. Damn. Anyway you ever read the Orlando Furioso (The Frenzy of Orlando) ?? The author is the fucking master of this. Everyone has their own goal but then suddenly they all meet up in one place and ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. I love it. He does it several times. ANYWAY. Moving on.

To Rose’s alchemy session!! Hopefully not as nonsensical as John’s and less disturbing than whatever Dave has in store for us. You just know he will use SBAHJ. I’m not physically nor psychologically ready for anything that might come out of it. But these are concerns for another day.

What… is this…? It has a link…. Oh. Oh, no. Fucking SBAHJ. I thought we where leaving it for Dave.

what is this?!,????? I…I don’t???? Heh?! Dave never ceases to amaze me. …Is this how Christmas is celebrated in the Striders household? With Bro hiding in the vent. And Dave in a little Santa Claus costume?? I want an explanation but at the same time I would rather not receive any and let this stay a mystery.

Rose: Combine hub and laptop.

So a laptop which never has to be recharged. Nice. I want one. I just gotta find a nuclear source of energy. And learn the arts of alchemy. One could become a millionaire selling things created through Sburb. Too bad that when they have the possibility their civilization has been already wiped out. 

she is beauty

she is grace

she can’t keep a fucking straight face.

No, that’s it. I have nothing to say, I just wanted to show you her expression. Look at her. What a dork. I love her.

> Rose: Combine salamander and eldritch plush.

DO NOT COMBINE LIVING BEINGS ROSE JUST BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER CREATED MUTANT ABOMINATIONS IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO AS WELL. Actually she did it out of love for her daughter and Jaspers. You can always close an eye when something is done for love. Also because she knows no limit or boundary. And because she was wasted. Okay maybe you can’t close an eye on that. It was just kinda nuts.

You make a box of BODACIOUS BLACK LIQUID SORROW GUSHERS. 

Another Crocker nightmare rears its ugly head. The ink reverses the healing properties of the blue phlegm. These are pure poison.

I guess you could use those as a weapon against the imps. Those little shits go crazy over sweets. Although they look like black goo and definitely inedible. I don’t think anybody would be that easy to trick and like gushers so much that they—……. Keep those things away from John, girl. Although they are Betty Crocker’s so there is probably no danger. What if you fed John some Crocker baked goods without him knowing? He would probably have an anaphylactic shock when he finds out. Or consider himself a sinner and move to Texas. Change his identity and become a runaway. In short, let’s not do that. 

And to Dave’s pleasure she can’t bury this one under three inches of fucking yarn. It looks like those devices that the Saiyans use to detect the strength of their enemies tho. Does that mean she is the last female descendant of a powerful alien race. Of course. The foreshadowing is all here!!!

You can finally knit presents that will enchant everyone, I guess?? I wonder if she knits everything in purple because it’s her favorite color or because she didn’t dare ask her mother for yarn in other ones. Fearing the possibility that she would take up the hobby because she genuinely likes it to antagonize her. Oh, boy. If MOM began knitting she would resort to never buy clothes for her daughter in stores anymore. Yarn in every season. Kitty sweaters in August.

DID SHE JUST MAKE WANDS. Okay, I don’t get the point of having roles assigned by Sburb if the kids are going to fucking ignore them and do as they please. The game is self-aware. It knows what’s best from them and what they are supposed to become. She wants to be a witch??? So be it, see if I care!! Next on John will master the art of time travel and Dave will….. Dave will do whatever an Heir of Breath is supposed to do. Handing out fresh mints to everyone, I’d guess. A noble mission nonetheless.

And to your left you can see the girl who absolutely loathes wizards. That’s why she made herself a pair of nice wands. Because she despises those creatures. And that’s why she made a cool outfit to go with the wands too. Because she hates them. Obviously.

> Rose: Combine needlewands and grimoire.

HOW ABOUT THE FUCK NO. ROSE, WHAT THE HELL. AHAHAHAHAH. What a funny JOKE, Rose. Laughing my ass off over here. Of course you would never do that. It would be crazy as fuck.

AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH SHE IS FCKING CRAZU FUCKING CRAZY ABXDOLUTELY DERABGED!!!!! DRANGED!!!!!!! DERANGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT ROSE LALONDE YOU DISGRACE YOU DAUGHTER OF A WIZARD FANATIC YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A LIGHT PLAYER YOU

I NEED. To storm the anger off. And reflect on the horrible consequences that this development will have. Because. There will be. Horrible consequences.

You make the THORNS OF OGLOGOTH. 

The needles seem to shiver with the dark desires of THE DEEP ONE. Any sane adventurer would cast these instruments of the occult into the FURTHEST RING and forget they ever existed.

Hey, guys. Remember when Rose had enough common sense not to mess with the Horrorterrors powers and using them as a weapon?? Well fuck, THOSE SURE WERE FUN TIMES. Rose…. Thorns… Why…….

Who is this Deep One dude by the way I gotta check

And of course there’s OGLOGOTH, THE DEEP ONE. Whenever he grinds his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere will frown continuously for a nine thousand year span.

……………………………………………………………….Those poor trolls.

He is the first and smallest of the SMALLER GODS, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of MIDDLING GODS which caters to the whims of the NOBLE CIRCLE OF HORRORTERRORS, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the FURTHEST RING.

HOW GREAT. LEMME MARK DOWN THIS DAY ON MY CALENDAR. AS THE DAY IN WHICH ROSE LALONDE MADE A GREAT DECISION. THAT WON’T EVER HAVE ANY REPERCUSSIONS. EVER. Look, she is borrowing the powers of creatures she doesn’t want to mess with. I won’t be there to comfort her when they show up to claim her soul, her first born and the last kitty she adopted!!!

I… *think* Casey is happy with her new toy?? She looks like she’s hyperventilating. Well, it’s always like that. All in all it was a nice alchemy session. We made way less crap this time around. Okay, we have a bronze vacuum but maybe we can give it as a recycled gift to MOM. She wouldn’t notice and would be delighted.

WHERE DID ALL THOSE FUCKERS EVEN COME FROM. Oh, no! It’s the gushers. They tracked down the putrid smell. Truly a double edged sword of a weapon! Also ogres made of chalk look like they all have very well-groomed mustaches, it’s hilarious.

> Rose: Aggrieve encroaching malefactors.

(don’t use the wands don’t use the wands don’t use the wands)

ROSE. You are still in time to throw them to the bottom of the ocean. ………….ROSE.

Yes!!!!! Amazing!!!!! Let’s give incredible powers to the girl!!! As if she wasn’t reckless enough already!!! Miss “I will just throw myself down a waterfall and see what happens”!!! Who had this wonderful idea WAIT HUSSIE IS WHO

Was…… Was that weird skull monster wearing Rose’s scarf. What’s with monsters stealing the kids’ stuff seriously, you got raging kleptomania. Or it is just their last futile attempt to look fashionable. John did condemn them to wearing clown garments forever. Truly a curse for the most fashion oriented imps. 

WELCOME TO THE PARTY MOTHERFUCKERS

Rose Lalonde’s famous last words. ……….Okaaaaay, okay. I’m exaggerating and blowing things out of proportions. Got it.

> Jade: Build.

I’VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS. 

It’s up to Jade to cheer me up. She better not start messing things up too.

It’s already night?? What happened to “You have a feeling it’s going to be a long day.” That sounded like a really suggestive quote. Well, technically John will never see the day of his birthday reach its end. It will always be the 13th of April hEY GUYS. I FIGURED IT OUT. Homestuck won’t actually ever end. It will go on and on and on forever. It is up to you if you want to keep reading even if you will never know how the story ends or give it up altogether. …..This is a question that haunts tha Detective Conan fandom everyday…..

Don’t believe me?? Just watch

This is how the Homestuck fandom will end up.

By the way I’m pretty sure frogs don’t usually have red eyes. There must be some nasty things in that water. Maybe it’s better if we do not prototype one.

NIIIIIIICEEEE!!!! Look, so perfect even if she’s asleep! But there are so many stairs! :o Dave and stairs don’t get along. …. And to cushion his fall there is a nice carpet of hot lava…… oh booooy. Then it wouldn’t keep happening, it would happen one time and sayonara to Dave Strider!

What does that woman think she’s doing with that bucket of paint??? Holy crap, it’s an impostor! She painted herself white JADE SHE’S SPYING ON US SHE IS A SPY FROM DERSE AND IN CAHOOTS WITH JACK & CO.

Speaking of naps, you have been asleep for some time yourself. You suppose you’d better wake up soon. 

But then, your neighbor in the other tower is supposed to be waking up soon too, and it sure would be a shame if you weren’t around to greet him!

*LE HUGE GASP* JOHN IS GOING TO WAKE UP. JADE AND JOHN WILL MEET. I REPEAT

JOHN

AND JADE

WILL MEET

This is so important for Jade! She has probably never even met anyone beside her Grandpa!! She never had the occasion to hang out with kids of her age!!!! This is so important and great for her, such a huge step! You go, Jade, you go, you can sleep through the entirety of the next act to show John around Prospit HAVE FUN ILU

Dave: Wake up and jam.

ARE YOU SHITTNG ME

GRANDA OWNS BETTY CROVKEER WHAT WHAT THE FUCK????????????

WHAT??????????????? I CANT BEIEVE THIS

JOHN STOP PRESSING BUTTONS AT RANDOM DAMMIT. Did we just switch art style for him to press a button. Was it really necessary. A little over the top. But he is fulfilling his destiny~ >:O

You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the woman you recognize to be your grandmother.

What you recognize to be…. Well, maybe because she is his grandmother???? ….Or not. Is she really?? WAIT. Don’t make me start doubting the obvious. That’s stupid. Nanna IS John’s grandmother, case the fuck closed.

Oh. We have four tubes for four….. BUT NANNA IS NOT JOHN’S GUARDIAN. So Nanna, Grandpa maybe?? and the others. John, what are you doing, EXPLAIN.

And yeaaaaaaaaah, we are moving to Grandpa. Because???? We need him as well. For some reasons. It is the 3rd of December, Dave’s birthday. And it appears that Grandpa has yet to settle down on the island?? There are no towers yet.

LOOK AT LITTLE JADE OH GOD. AND HE NAMED THE SHIP LIKE HER AWWWW.And yuuuuuuup. Jade’s present to John is definitely that bunny. Upgraded with nuclear gadgets?? Made into a weapon?? And it will get to John who will use it. A bunny has already been used as a weapon! In John’s first strife with an imp!! So he will get it and use the thing together with the magical power of eternal friendship, because seriously all the kids worked on that same effing bunny, to fight… most probably Jack Noir?? Because the bunny is the thing that allowed him to raise to power and kill the Queen! The bunny can be used to easily kill Jack! And what made him into what he is will also be his Achille’s heel! Checkmate, motherfucker! WOWWOW WOW I’M EXCITED NOW

A renowned billionaire explorer approaches on his yacht. An old factory lost two days prior, but a new shipmate gained. Together they settle the island and plunder its secrets.

And it looks like… Grandpa just took hold of Jade… somewhere. But Jade is definitely not adopted????? Like she is fucking identical to Grandpa. Well, in reality she is fucking identical TO NANNA. And John is fucking identical TO GRANDPA. MMMMHHHHHH. I wonder what this could possibly mean. Surely a mystery too intricate to be solved. Mmmhhh.

A meteor overhead streaks unnoticed, headed toward an unseasonably warm city in the central United States.

We swiftly move on! To Texas! To BRO!

I’m pretty sure the sky is not bloody red in Texas. Then again I have never been there, maybe it really is. Truly, one never stops learning. The world is such a fascinating place.

Bro looks so shocked and yet so composed at the same time BECAUSE HE HAS NO FACE. Why is he in fighting stance though. BRO, who are you fighting?? The meteor?? I’m sorry to say that no matter how strong you are a meteor might be too big to tackle. Also completely stupid.

He is prepared for the occasion with a small pair of outrageously awesome shades. 

WHAT THE FSUCK WHAT TEW SHIT WHAT THE HELL SERIOSULY????????????????????

ARE YO SETIOUS?? ARE YOU FUCKIGN SERIOUS??????

IS DAVE??? IN THE FUCKING CRATER?? IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE TELIGN ME???????? SERIOUSLY????? I DONT’????? KIDS CAN’T SURVIVE ENTERING THE EARTH ATMOSPHERE ON A METEOR??? NOR CAN ADULTS DO IT?????? BULLSHIT. THIS IS UTTER BULLSHIT.

Why the fuck is BRO prepared for this. What did he think. Did he see those tiny shades and go “ah yes, just what i will need if a kid on board of a meteor lands any near me”. Did the guardians know beforehand. OH. I just realized a thing. Consider the fact that BRO deliberately chose to make Dave grow up thinking he was his brother, not his father. Perhaps he knew that he had no business with being a father and parenting in general, he knew he would fuck it up tremendously, but couldn’t refuse. Just food for your thoughts. :(

A meteor overhead races unnoticed, headed to a lake near a laboratory on the east coast of the United States. No aquatic life would survive.

And next is Rose’s meteor!! Like… literally Rose on board of her meteor. I don’t think there are seat belts on there. Umh. And uh, that’s a parallel with her Denizen killing every form of life in the ocean.

You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the outrageously awesome dude. The sludge is allocated to one of another pair of tubes.

WAIT PAIRS. THEY GO IN PAIRS. No, okay I’m done I will stop thinking about anything at all for an indefinite amount of time. Goodbye. My brain has been shut down so that it doesn’t damage itself by spending too much time dealing with thIS FUCKING BULLSHIT. BUUUULLLLLSSSSHIIIIITTTTTT. BULLSHIT………………BULLSHIT.

You switch again to a view of your neighborhood, on April 13th, 1996. It is the day of your birth. 

Yeah, John. What are you going to destroy. Oh WAIT. This means that Jade was the one destroying the Crocker facility. Oh my God. John, I’m afraid your throne as biggest Crocker hater as been usurped. Jade started hating on it before she even set foot on Earth. That’s dedication.

There is more real estate you do not recognize near the recently devastated baked goods facility. It is a shopping mall you have never seen before.

And that means that the shopping mall is done for.

OH MY GOD THE PRANKSTER’S GAMBIT. THEY RAN A SHOP TOGETHER.

BABY ROSE BE STILL MY HEART

A professional lady and new mother has traveled from the opposite coast at the behest of a famous and wealthy scientist to study one of numerous recent celestial anomalies while he is on expedition. 

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THE GUARDIANS ALL KNOW EACH OTHER SLAY ME THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED AND BEYOND

She notices a meteor overhead, on collision course with a quaint family joke shop. A distinguished gentleman notices the lady and comes outside to greet her, oblivious to the threat above. The gentleman’s mother remains inside, busying herself with a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a rather hefty unabridged joke book.

OH MY??????? NOOOO?? NOOOOPEEE??? OH MY FUCKING???? DEAR JESUS WHY???

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THT’S NOT OKAT THIS IS NOT OAKY NO OAKTY NOT OKAY OH JESUS DAMMIT JOHN KILLED HIS GRANDMA DEAR GOD

An old mother lost today, but a new son gained.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

The gentleman discovers a clue. A powerful nose detects perfume. The lady has fled. The mystery deepens.

Dear Dad Egbert,

……………YOUR MOTHER JUST FUCKING DIED UNDER YOUR VERY EYES STOP BEING A CREEP AND GET A GRIP. AND BY GET A GRIP I MEAN CRY AND PROBABLY WONDER WHY THE HELL THERE IS A KID IN THE CRATER LEFT BY THAT GODFORSAKEN METEOR. That said, I’m truly sorry for your loss.

Seriously though, I understand that Rose’s MOM has quite the booty but SERIOUSLY. Shouldn’t you be… mourning…? Under shock??? I??? Give up????

“Excuse me, precious daughter of mine, I will just put you down a moment on this soft grass, I have to go stand  near the hill and look outrageously badass and mysterious while surveying the situation from afar.”

Also. MOM is a teleporting wizard ninja. CONFIRMED. How the fuck did she get so far so fast. See, MOM is the Earth counterpart of Snowman, screw the Black Queen, it was obviously Miss Lalonde all along.

You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the professional lady. The sludge fills the final tube. 

Once all the tubes are filled, an automated sequence begins to execute.

OH GOD WE ARE CLONING THE KIDS. IN PAIRS. ONE FEMALE AND ONE MALE. JOHN AND JADE ARE NOT COUSINS THEY AREEEEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY WAIT ROSE???? DAVE??????????? MOM????? BRO I??? WHAT??????????? I CAN’T. STOP THIS. I DO NOT WANT TO COME TO THIS CONCLUSION. BRING THIS CONCLUSION AWAY. LOCK IT IN A SAFE. THROW THE SAFE IN THE OCEAN. LET A WHALE SWALLOW IT. BRING IT AWAY. FROM ME. AWAY.

……………………………………………………………………………………what.

what ????????????? excuse me?????????? i  can’t seem to put this image into focus. because those don’t look like the kids???? there must be a mistake surely egbert is at it again and fucking things up

why???????????? are the guardians??????? 

Four young PARADOX CLONES are created.

PARADOX CLONES THEY ARE CLONES OF THEMSELVES THAT WILL BE SENT BACK IN TIME I CANNOT BELIEVE

THEY WERE NEVER REALLY BORN????????????? THEY JUST????? POPPED INTO EXISTENCE???? BUT AS OF NOW THEY ALREADY EXIST. THIS IS THE STUPIDEST TIME LOOP EVER CREATED. THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. ALSO THEY KIND OF ARE ALIENS. DO THEY HAVE A BELLY BUTTON. I DON’T THINK THEY DO.

> John: There’s one more button to push.

I DON’T WANT YOU TO PUSH THAT

STOP

S

T

O

P

THE MADNESS

Ectobiology sure does involve a lot of button pushing. At least it does when you’re a junior ectobiologist. 

Your loyal assistant Dr. Meowgon is all over this one.

Technically the cat is more qualified than John. He is a certified, legitimate doctor.

One pair of tubes empties the sludge into the chamber below. 

The other pair does as well. 

Another sequence is activated.

OH MY GOS OH MY GODNESS NANNA AND GRANDPA

JOHN AND JADE

MOM AND BRO

ROSE AND DAVE

GODDAMMIT

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THE CUTENESS

STOP IT

IT IS KILLING ME

LOOK AT THAT ECHELADDER. THOSE TITLES ARE RIDICULOUS. MR. SNOOZYPRINCE MCSLEEPYPANTS. THIS IS WHAT JADE ANGRILY WHISPERS TO ASLEEP JOHN WHEN SHE VISITS HIM ON PROSPIT

OH GOD NANNA OH GOD. IT IS ILLEGAL TO BE THAT CUTE. STOP IT. WHAT IS BRO DOING. JOHN, HELP THE POOR KID. HE IS LIKE A TURTLE ONCE HE ENDS UP ON HIS BACK HE CAN’T MOVE

DAVE IS ALREADY HIS ATTENTION SEEKING SELF WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT 

You storm up your ECHELADDER to claim the coveted if difficult to pronounce rung: ECTOBIOLOBABYSITTER. 

Your ladder is absolutely hemorrhaging the boondollars. Just what your porkhollow’s fat ass needs.

You surpass ONE MILLION BOONDOLLARS and trade them all in for a single whopping BOONBUCK. This is of course going directly into the college fund for these youngsters. 

Sure is heavy. Into the hollow it goes.

Rest in fucking pieces, Mr. Porkhollow.

An old man has much to do before he returns to Earth, dies, gets stuffed by his adopted-yet-biological daughter-slash-grand-daughter, and stuck in front of a fireplace. 

Taking priority at the moment is shipping two passengers long overdue for a reunion.

shipping two passengers

shipping

Grandpa, I did not know you had it in you for this kind of things. It’s MOM and DAD isn’t it?? ;) ;) ;) Oh, would you look at that, I can’t stop winking. Dang, there must be something in my eye. My eyebrows are also…. raising?? Oh, gosh, what could be happening???

Wait. They are standing on a ship. Grandpa ships them. The ship is sailing.

AFTER THIRTEEN FREAKING YEARS. Are you serious. He still had the scarf. In his wallet. What did he do, take a sniff every once in a while?? WAIT CREEEEEEEPY

I swear she looks like a mantis. And now that I think about it….what does the female mantis do to the male… after….. you know….. OH GOD DAD RUN. As fast as your fatherly legs can carry you!!!

You know why I am kinda angry?? Well, of course besides the whole Ectobiology bullshit. How in hell did I never consider the possibility of two characters named MOM and DAD ending up together?? Seriously.

And it was love at first sniff sight. And I now kind of have this headcanon in which ships can only sail in Homestuck if the directly interested are on a literal ship. Otherwise there will be ship tease and stuff but only on THE SHIP will they get together officially. …….We’re gonna need lots and lots of ships then.

OH GOD

NANNA. Your grandson is not your personal playground.

Jade, honey, stand by, your Big Paradox Bro is kind of busy right now.

SOMEBODY SAVE BRO HE IS GOING TO GET HIMSELF KILLED

WHAT IS GRANDPA EVEN DOING WHAT DID THAT PLATFORM EVER DO TO YOU STOP

ROSE AND MOM STOP………. WAIT. DON’T STOP. KEEP DOING…. WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING. T-THAT’S ADORABLE.

MUTIE IS GIVING JOHN A TUMMY MASSAGE TO CALM HIM DOWN. I’M SORRY, ROSE. JOHN WAS MUTIE’S OWNER ALL ALONG. THE KITTY HAS CHOSEN.

DAVE STOP CLIMBING TO THINGS

OH MY GOD. IMAGINE BRO HAVING TO DEAL WITH THIS.

With Dave constantly clinging to things and climbing. Like he would call the pediatrician and wonder why the hell the kid is acting like this and the poor pediatrician would go “Mr. Strider, at this age kids are supposed to start exploring and look around themselves. It’s perfectly normal.” And BRO, mumbling "yeah explore this puppet ass next time" “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that?” “i mean. yeah i think next time i will just let him fall on his butt and learn a lesson. isn’t that what kids are supposed to do. learn by themselves.” “I… don’t think your son would-” “yoooo calm yo tits i ain’t nobody’s father and he sure ain’t my son” “Oh. I had forgotten. By the way I remember asking you to let me talk with his parents to no avail. Is there any chance you can let me hear from them anytime soon?” “i already did. last time. how many times do you gotta talk to them.” “…Let’s just say that your Miss Strider’s impression did not convince us and it would be better if we could talk to them in pers-” “dead” “E-excuse me?!” “they kicked the bucket. walked the plank. entered the sweet hereafter. pushing up daisies. got ran over by a bus. completely flattened. you could see their guts spilling-” “I’m very sorry for your loss! But I think I have enough details as it is!!” “shit was very traumatizing” “Mr. Strider, I do not mean to pressure you, but we are just concerned about the baby’s wellbeing. I am afraid we will have to contact authorithies-” Bro hungs up. He sinks into the couch, stroking his chin, gaze searching for Dave. "well, lil' bro, it seems we will have to move agAIN DAVE STRIDER GET OFF THE FUCKING FRIDGE FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME I AIN’T RAISING NO MONKEYS YOU SNEAKY SON OF A BITCH-“ The phone rings again. Bro picks it up. Miss Lalonde’s voice shrills through: "heard u were talkin shit”. And even through the phone, he can feel the death glare. How does she keep doing this?! Bro may never know.

………………………#StopMeFromWritingFanfictions2k15

And now I headcanon Bro as completely socially inappropriate. And well, Mom is a badass, but that isn’t a headcanon, it’s a mathematical certainty. Where did you think Rose took it from.

CG: SEE THIS IS A CASE IN POINT. 
EB: what point? 
CG: THE POINT I WAS JUST MAKING. 

Don’t ya worry, he was probably just talking about how ridiculous you are.

CG: ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE. 

WAIT. FUCK. Next conversation?? We will be talking about the Ultimate Riddle??

CG: YOU BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE. 
CG: OK THAT’S YOUR CUE TO LAUGH AT ME SOME MORE I GUESS. 
CG: BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO REALLY GET OFF WHENEVER I FLAME YOU. 
CG: HUMANS ARE DERANGED. 

Aww, noooo. CG, you misunderstood! John likes you! And yes, he is deranged. Everybody is. I kind of pity the guy though. Nobody even takes him seriously. John laughs at his face, GC laughs at his face, that aneurysm I was talking about really is nearing.

EB: oh man, i must be getting closer to the conversations where you’re trolling me harder! 
EB: this is pretty exciting, i can’t wait to see what you’ve got up your sleeve. 
CG: YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN??? FUCK YOU ABOUT THAT. 

God, John. You really aren’t helping. A sample from John and CG first conversation. An early scoop only for you readers: 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH? I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS IN THE NAVY SEALS, AND I’VE BEEN INVOLVED IN NUMEROUS SECRET RAIDS ON AL-QUAEDA, AND I HAVE OVER 300 CONFIRMED KILLS. I AM TRAINED IN GORILLA WARFARE AND I’M THE TOP SNIPER IN THE ENTIRE US ARMED FORCES. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME BUT JUST ANOTHER TARGET. I WILL WIPE YOU THE FUCK OUT WITH PRECISION THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE ON THIS EARTH, MARK MY FUCKING WORDS. YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING THAT SHIT TO ME OVER THE INTERNET? THINK AGAIN, FUCKER. AS WE SPEAK I AM CONTACTING MY SECRET NETWORK OF SPIES ACROSS THE USA AND YOUR IP IS BEING TRACED RIGHT NOW SO YOU BETTER PREPARE FOR THE STORM, MAGGOT. THE STORM THAT WIPES OUT THE PATHETIC LITTLE THING YOU CALL YOUR LIFE. YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD, KID. I CAN BE ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, AND I CAN KILL YOU IN OVER SEVEN HUNDRED WAYS, AND THAT’S JUST WITH MY BARE HANDS. NOT ONLY AM I EXTENSIVELY TRAINED IN UNARMED COMBAT, BUT I HAVE ACCESS TO THE ENTIRE ARSENAL OF THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS AND I WILL USE IT TO ITS FULL EXTENT TO WIPE YOUR MISERABLE ASS OFF THE FACE OF THE CONTINENT, YOU LITTLE SHIT. IF ONLY YOU COULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT UNHOLY RETRIBUTION YOUR LITTLE “CLEVER” COMMENT WAS ABOUT TO BRING DOWN UPON YOU, MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE HELD YOUR FUCKING TONGUE. BUT YOU COULDN’T, YOU DIDN’T, AND NOW YOU’RE PAYING THE PRICE, YOU GODDAMN IDIOT. I WILL SHIT FURY ALL OVER YOU AND YOU WILL DROWN IN IT. YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD, KIDDO.

EB: you’re trained in “gorilla” warfare? is that when you beat someone to death with a banana? it’s spelled guerilla you fucking moron.

Yes, this is exactly how it went down. Definitely.

EB: anyway, you weren’t making a point about the ultimate riddle, dude. 
CG: YES I WAS, AND NOW I’M LOSING MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT DIPSHIT. 
EB: nope, we never talked about it. 
EB: yet… 
CG: OH HELL, THAT’S RIGHT. 
CG: DAMMIT, I GUESS THIS IS GOING TO BE CONFUSING. 
EB: oh, you’re just starting to figure that out now? 
CG: SEE I KIND OF PAINTED MYSELF INTO A CORNER. 
CG: I STARTED TROLLING YOU AT THE END, JUST BEFORE THE RIFT. 

WAIT WAIT WAAAIT. THE RIFT?? Or is it The Rift?? This is important, there is a difference, CG. Your typing style is withholding crucial information from us. 

CG: AND THEN JUMPED BACK A LITTLE. 
CG: AND NOW I GUESS I’VE BECOME RAILROADED INTO WORKING BACKWARDS HERE. 
CG: UNLESS I WANT TO DO THE SORT OF DUMB SCHIZOPHRENIC HOPPING AROUND LIKE THE OTHERS. 
EB: oh my god, i know, you’ve already told me like a million times!!! 
CG: I HAVE? 
CG: WOW I CAN’T WAIT FOR ALL THESE AMAZING CONVERSATIONS TO TAKE PLACE. 
CG: IT’S GOING TO BE LIKE THAT HUMAN VACATION WITH THE GIANT RED CHIMNEY ASSHOLE UP IN HERE. 
CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHERE A BUNCH OF MOANY NOOKSUCKERS SING AT A LITTLE PINE TREE I THINK. 

I feel like CG marathoned dozens of bad human flicks after starting to contact our kids, maybe to think up a better trolling strategy, and things got confusing in his little head. CG, you just ruined Christmas for us all. And I just wanted to say in his defense (yeah, I know, me defending CG??? MADNESS.) that he probably didn’t want to troll backward. He contacted John for the first time and John told him that it was what the troll had been doing until then. And then CG bitched about it for five paragraphs. And John closed the chat window.

EB: man, i’ve got to say i’m a little disappointed by this “masterful trolling” you were bragging about. 
CG: I WAS BRAGGING? 
CG: WHY WOULD I BOTHER WITH THAT SORT OF PEDANTIC HUMAN HORSESHIT.
CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THAT I WAS BRAGGING TO GET YOUR HOPES UP IN THE FUTURE. 
CG: ONLY TO LET YOU DOWN. 
CG: AND THUS TROLL YOU MASTERFULLY IN THAT RESPECT. 

That would be pretty fucking

EB: maybe, but that would be pretty weak too!!! 

Yeah, thank you, John.

CG: YOUR BRITTLE HUMAN CALCIUM BASED SKULL IS WHAT IS WEAK, AND IF YOU AND I WERE IN THE PROXIMITY OF A BLUNT INSTRUMENT I WOULDN’T HAVE MUCH TROUBLE PROVING IT. 
EB: w/e. 

No, John, no w/e. See, you’ve gotta react more strongly to death threats and stuff. He just told you he would gladly hit your head with a hammer!!!!!! He doesn’t mean it… but still.

EB: so what was the “case in point” you were making, anyway? 
CG: I WAS SCROLLING BACK AND NOTICED YOU WERE IN THE VEIL. 
EB: whoa, i am? 
CG: YEAH DUMBDUMB, YOU’RE TUMBLING AROUND ON A BIG GODDAMN METEOR.
CG: AND YOU JUST CREATED YOUNGER VERSIONS OF YOURSELVES AND YOUR GUARDIANS. 
CG: PROBABLY BY MUCKING AROUND WITH THAT THING LIKE A DOOFUS.

YEAH DUMBDUMB, YOU’RE TUMBLING AROUND ON A BIG GODDAMN METEOR.

YEAH DUMBDUMB

DUMBDUMB

I swear to God, CG’s insults are starting to sound way less like insults and way more like affectionate nicknames?? Come here, you dumbdumb, you goofy nerd, you. Oh, dear. It seems the boy is growing very fond of our John, isn’t he?? ;) Oh, boy. There I go with the winking again. It is so inappropriate!! Wait. I completely lost track of my eyebrows. They are … floating from above…. to freaking Skaia they go…… Dang. Lost forever.

EB: wait… 
EB: these are baby versions of us? 
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHA, SO CLUELESS. 
CG: WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING THERE ANYWAY. 

I TOLD YOU HE WAS FUCKING HITTING BUTTONS AT RANDOM. THE BLUE ONE WENT FIRST BECAUSE IT WAS IS FAVORITE COLOUR, PROBABLY. JOHN, YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE FIELD OF ECTOBIOLOGY. OR SHOULD I SAY: YOUR3 4 TOT4L D1SGR4C3 TO TH3 F13LD OF 3CTOB1OLOGY .

There, better.

EB: well… 
EB: i saw footage of my nanna, and some other people who i am pretty sure were like jade’s grandpa and rose’s mom and stuff from a long time ago. 
EB: and then… 
EB: there were all these little guys scurrying around. 
EB: so they are like cloned copies of us? 
CG: NO. 
CG: THEY ARE LITERALLY YOU AND YOUR GUARDIANS. 
CG: PARADOX CLONES. 
EB: huh? 
EB: what do you mean they are literally us? 
EB: do they go back in time? 
CG: YEAH, OBVIOUSLY. GREAT GUESS BRAIN HERO. 
CG: BUT TECHNICALLY THEY AREN’T EVEN SENT BACK IN TIME BECAUSE WITH RESPECT TO THE MEDIUM YOUR UNIVERSE’S TIMELINE IS MEANINGLESS. 
CG: SERIOUSLY WHY WOULD IT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT EARTH’S PAST OR FUTURE OR WHATEVER, FROM IT’S PERSPECTIVE IT’S JUST A BUNCH OF POINTS TO CHOOSE FROM. 
CG: JUST LIKE YOUR CHRONOLOGY IS FROM OUR PERSPECTIVE. 
CG: BUT I GUESS THAT’S A BUNCH OF SEMANTICS. WITH RESPECT TO YOUR PERSONAL CHRONOLOGY YEAH THEY GO BACK IN TIME. 
CG: A PARADOX CLONE IS BY DEFINITION A CORRECTLY CLONED DUPLICATE THAT WILL INEVITABLY GO BACK IN TIME AND BECOME THE ORIGINAL TARGET THAT WAS CLONED. 
CG: IF IT’S A MALFORMED CLONE, IT’S JUST A MEANINGLESS MUTANT THAT HAS NO BEARING ON THE STABLE LOOP CONTINUUM. 
CG: I DON’T SEE ANY TENTACLES OR EXTRA EYEBALLS OR WARPED BONE BULGES, SO THOSE GROSS LITTLE THINGS THERE ARE ALL YOU GUYS, WAITING TO GO TO EARTH AND GROW UP AND BECOME THE INSIPID BUNCH OF GRUBFISTED DOUCHEBAGS YOU ALL ARE NOW. 
CG: AND THIS WAS THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE. 

Okay, first of all, I take back everything I just said about him getting fond of John and the humans. Second, what does the Ultimate Riddle have to do with Ectobiology???

EB: what is the riddle anyway? 
EB: maybe i can guess, i am good at riddles!

Oh, YEAH!!!! Oh, gosh, how come we never thought about this!!!! The solution was under our very eyes all along!!!! Just let John solve it!! He is good at riddles!!! Haha, I’m so glad we have sorted this out really!!! I will just go bang my head against this nearby wall now!!! Out of joy, of course!!! BRB.

CG: HAHAHA, THINK AGAIN IGNORAMUS. 
CG: IT’S NOT EVEN THAT GREAT. 
CG: OR EVEN MUCH OF A RIDDLE AT ALL. 
CG: IN THE COURSE OF YOUR ADVENTURE YOU WOULD HAVE ENCOUNTERED ALL THESE FRAGMENTS OF LIKE WEIRD POEMS AND SHIT. 
CG: YOU FIND THEM ALONG YOUR QUESTS, WITH CLUES AND STUFF BURIED IN THEM TO HELP YOU SOLVE PUZZLES AND MOVE HUGE STONE COLUMNS AND MAKE STAIRCASES APPEAR AND LOTS OF NONSENSE LIKE THAT. 
CG: AND IT’S ALL MASKED IN THIS FLOWERY SORT OF FROTHY POETIC JACKASSERY THAT NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT. 

THERE ARE PUZZLES ON THE LANDS SIGN ME THE FUCK UP

CG: BUT WHAT ALL THESE LOFTY SYMBOLIC ALLUSIONS BOIL DOWN TO IS SOME GRANDER STATEMENT ABOUT WHAT YOU SEE HAPPENING HERE. 
CG: THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS THE KEY TO SEEDING YOUR OWN EXISTENCE THROUGH THIS GAME. 
CG: AND ANY HOPE THAT IT COULD HAVE PLAYED OUT DIFFERENTLY OR THAT YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS WHOLE MESS WAS ALWAYS JUST A RUSE. 
EB: a distaction, perhaps? 
CG: WHAT? 
EB: nevermind. 

I CANNOT BREATHE HELP

Oh, godness. CG is practically explaining the meaning of this whole game and all John is thinking about is how to slip in some memes I CAN’T BELIEVE HIM. He is unreal. He is intangible to the touch. He cannot actually be a person existing.

CG: BECAUSE IF IT DIDN’T GO DOWN THIS WAY THEN HOW WERE YOU EVEN BORN, GET IT. 
CG: WHICH IS ESPECIALLY PATHETIC SINCE PARADOX SPACE APPARENTLY WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO MAKE YOU JUST TO HAVE YOU FAIL AND DIE. 
CG: REALLY THERE’S NOTHING MORE TRAGIC THAN THESE NULL SESSIONS FULL OF KIDS ENTERING THE GAME AND FULFILLING SOME COSMIC DESTINY SHIT JUST TO GET WIPED OUT AND LEAVE BEHIND AN EMPTY POINTLESS INCIPISPHERE FOR ALL ETERNITY. 
CG: ACTUALLY IT’S SORT OF HILARIOUS. 
CG: OR IT WOULD BE IF IT DIDN’T AFFECT ME PERSONALLY. 
CG: BUT ANYWAY, THERE’S A LOT MORE TO THE RIDDLE THAN JUST THAT, LIKE WHAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT LAST TIME WE TALKED. 
CG: BUT THAT’S SORT OF THE GIST OF THE THEMES IT DEALS WITH. 

So??? That’s it??? The Infamous Ultimate Riddle??? Destiny bullshit and whatnot??? Well, lemme tell you a thing, CG. You’ve got it all wrong. Not only because it is implied in this very pesterlog; disclosing the meaning of The Ultimate riddle in a conversation early on?? Excuse you, but this is End Game material. But also because the “everything has already been established by destiny bluh bluh bluh” mentality is the crappiest thing ever if you ask me. And if there is a thing I get worked up on is Destiny bullshit debates. I’m like… an expert. So I’ll share my Destiny Bullshit view with you. Destiny is not a thing, I mean… it is, but in the way most people think. Destiny is written but the reality is that you are the one writing it!! So putting it in context with Sburb, the game does give you a path to follow, but you are the one shaping it!! With your own will!! FREE WILL!! So yeah, CG. Take your “everything has already been chosen for you” little talk and go back to your pretty Troll Planet.

EB: ok. 
EB: well, if i run into some salamanders who tell me all about this riddle and get really excited about it, i will try to act surprised. 
EB: so this is the same kind of thing you went through? 
EB: with, like, being your own paradox clones and creating your own parents and stuff? 
CG: YEAH. 
EB: how did that even work, with 12 of you? 
CG: IT WAS REALLY FUCKING COMPLICATED AND I’M NOT GOING TO GET INTO IT. 
CG: OUR FAMILY STRUCTURES ARE ALREADY WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN YOURS WITHOUT EVEN GETTING SPOOKY TIME SLIME INVOLVED. 
CG: BASICALLY WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WHATSOEVER. 
CG: EXCEPT MAYBE THIS… 
CG: I WAS THE GUY IN YOUR POSITION, TO MAKE ALL THESE CLONES, AND FRANKLY IT ALL KIND OF FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT. 

TWENTY-FOUR. I’M JUST GOING TO SAY. TWENTY-FOUR. That’s the number of trolls he created.

Wait. Dang. The trolls will also be related! And they are twelve! I was already lucky with the kids, but this time I will definitely end up shipping incest. Relationships that won’t be revealed till CG does ectobiology. No, okay. Alright. I’m warning you guys, if something I ship, I mean really ship, not like hey they are cute, I won’t give a shit if they’re related. Deal with it. Seriously, as long as they didn’t grow up in the same house it is completely shippable for my standards. Rose and Dave flirted like hell! Wait. Rose and Dave flirted like hell. How are they going to react. Oh, deary, deary me.

EB: huh… 
EB: yeah, i guess now that you mention it, i am finding it all a little strange… 
CG: OH, ONLY JUST NOW??? 
CG: FUCK YOU ARE FAST, I HOPE YOU GOT THE MAD BOONBUCKS TO PAY OFF THOSE SPEEDING TICKETS. 

PFFFTAHAHAHAAH OH MY GOD HELP ME I’M GONNA VRY

He may be an asshole, but he is an hilarious one at that. You gotta admit it.

EB: no, no, i mean the ghost stuff and paradoxes are one thing of course… 
EB: it’s something else. 
EB: it’s just… 
EB: this is really weird… 
CG: WHAT’S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT. 
EB: well, normally humans hatch… 
EB: from like these slimy pods. 
EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva. 
CG: OH REALLY. 
CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT. 
EB: (hehehehehehehe) 

JOHN

EB: and then after that you can keep going backwards and then make fun of me riding my little red rocket. 
EB: you can tell me i look like a silly little paradox clone fresh out of my slime tube and this is just all a big nurseytime recess jamboree. 
EB: that would burn me good! 
CG: OK THAT IS PRETTY GOOD. 
CG: BUT I CAN’T USE IT, BECAUSE YOU SAID IT, AND THEN LATER, I.E. RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULD GET THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING YOU WERE THE ONE TO COME UP WITH THAT BURN. 
CG: SEE, YOU ARE DEALING WITH A PRO, YOU CAN’T OUT TROLL ME SO JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND STOP TRYING. 
EB: (hehehehehehehehehehehe)

JOHN STOP TYPING LAUGHTER AT THE END OF YOUR TROLLING ATTEMPTS ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?? Meanwhile CG is making such a fool out of himself, dear godness.

John and Nanna are up to silly prankster shenanigans. By the way, if everyone gets on Earth through meteor, as ridiculous as it may be, who raised the guardians?? I mean, the kids were adopted by the guardians, that were crazy enough to just take a baby fallen on a meteor and bring it home, but the guardians themselves?? Did a bunch of stray dogs find them and took care of them all. I’m afraid that only works with Miss Jade Harley.

OH

OH GOD

DON’T

BRO DON’T CUDDLE THAT PUPPET

IT’S ADORABLE BUT
JUST NO

WAIT. OH MY. I figured it out guys!!! In reality, BRO’s guardian is Lil'Cal!! CAL, see?? It even fits the three letters pattern!! That’s why BRO is so messed up. And why he and Cal share such a strong bond. Cal was always there for Bro in times of need. Whenever you wanted to chat it up, you always knew where to find it! ….Usually… exactly where you left it last time…. Umh.

A typical situation with a young BRO:

BRO: I really don’t know what do, cal! those bunch of assholes bullies won’t leave me alone at school!!
CAL: let me take care of it
BRO: really?? you’re the best, cal!!

ONE MONTH LATER

BRO: you know, I haven’t seen those jerks around in ages! not that I’m complaining, but they just disappeared! It’s so weird!
CAL: very weird indeed. I wonder what could have happened to those corpses
BRO: wait. c-corpses?!? they didn’t say anything about them being dead!
CAL: oh do not concern yourself with these trivialities, keep eating your breakfast, it is the first step for an healthy diet

PLOT TWIST!!! Cal actually cares a whole lot about Bro, so when Dave entered the happy family,  the puppet felt endangered and its attentions divided between it and new lil’ bro. And that’s why Cal could never accept him and to these days keeps haunting his ass. Wow! That sure is a mystery I just solved!

GRANDPA OH GOD

Okay, John. Let’s approach him… very slowly….. don’t scare him…. if he starts flailing you’re all done for….

> John: Get trolled by CG again.

Again?? Oh, wait. John asked him.

GRANDPA STOP POINTING THOSE TO YOUR ADOPTED GRANDDAUGHTER/BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER

Look, Dave is jealous of all the attention Jade is getting. I’m sorry, kiddo, Jade as the cutest baby in the Incipisphere gets cuddling privileges first. You can come back later.

OH MY GOD. Look! CG is so outraged that his symbol just randomly became red. Red as the burning rage he feels… And red as the color his face will get when all the blood rushes to his horned skull and he gets the inevitable Ictus we are all anticipating. If you can even call them horns. I mean… they kinda pale in comparison with AT’s. I wonder if they are a symbol of virility?? And like, since CG’s horns are practically nonexistent he makes it up by screaming and being brash?? To prove his masculinity or something?? And then he openly proclaims his love for Serendipity. Yeah, sorry, not working. And by the way, I don’t *think* blood rushing to the brain is how Ictus work… Wasn’t it the opposite? Like blood not reaching the brain? And consequently no oxygen? Should I research this? Oh, come on. Have you seen some of the bullshit I write on this liveblog?! Surely you weren’t expecting medical accuracy??

CG: OK IT’S A FEW MINUTES LATER. 
CG: LOOK HOW SANE AND LINEAR WE ARE BEING. 
EB: yeah! 
CG: OK AWESOME, NOW FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE. 
EB: wait! 
CG: WHAT. 
EB: i was just looking at all these rascals, and i was wondering… 
EB: how they go back in time and become us and stuff. 
EB: does it have something to do with the reckoning? 
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT. 
EB: you told me. 
EB: we had this great dare going. 
EB: to see who could be the least helpful and informative. 
EB: and you totally lost, dude! 
EB: you were hella helpful. 
CG: I WAS OBVIOUSLY JUST SPITING YOUR STUPID POINTLESS HUMAN DARE.
CG: WHAT IS A DARE ANYWAY, IT’S NOTHING. 
CG: SOMEONE SAYS DO SOMETHING AND THEN, OH LAUGH LAUGH, YOU LOSE IF YOU DON’T DO IT. 
CG: THAT ISN’T ANYTHING THAT DESERVES A WORD. 
CG: WE DON’T EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR DARE IN OUR LANGUAGE. 

I have a feeling CG is just butthurt because he lost tons of dares on his troll planet. They probably dared him not to rant for a whole day. And then began to do all sort of ridiculous things under his very eyes. And he had to suppress the screams. Until a troll ambulance had to bring him to troll hospital.

CG: THE CLOSEST APPROXIMATION WOULD BE “WORTHLESS FUCKING BULLSHIT WASTE OF TIME FOR SILLY LITTLE CHILDREN" 
EB: oh, wow. 
EB: is that the title of a movie too? 

OOOH BURN!!!!

CG: YES, IT’S THE TITLE OF EVERY DUMB MOVIE YOU EVER LIKED. 
OOOOOH BUUUUURNN!!!!!

EB: ha ha, that isn’t even true and doesn’t make sense! 
Shut up, John. Learn to recognize a burn when you get one! Apply cold water and some bandages and call it a day. Did your father teach you nothing?!

CG: YOU HAVE SOUNDING STUPID DOWN TO SUCH A SCIENCE. 
CG: WHERE IS YOUR LAB COAT AND TEST TUBES DOCTOR BRAIN PROFESSOR? 
EB: i am wearing a lab coat! 
EB: sort of… 
CG: YOU LOOK LIKE AN ELF. 
EB: that’s bullshit! 

NO, THAT’S TRUE. HE IS RIGHT. He only lacks the pointy ears. The height is there.

CG: YOU ASKED ABOUT THE RECKONING, SO WHY DON’T WE TALK ABOUT THAT INSTEAD OF ALL THESE PRETTY MUCH TERRIBLE THINGS. 
EB: ok. 
CG: YEAH, SO WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS HAPPENING, ALL THESE PARADOX CLONES GET SHIPPED OFF TO METEORS, FLUNG THROUGH SKAIAN DEFENSE PORTALS, AND SENT BACK TO EARTH. 
CG: END OF STORY I GUESS. 
CG: BYE. 
EB: wait!!! 
EB: so that means… 
EB: we are all sort of like superman? 
CG: UH YEAH, I GUESS. 
EB: cool! 
CG: YOU ALL TRACE THE MYTHOLOGICAL FOOTSTEPS OF YOUR BELOVED HUMAN SUPERMAN WHO’S REALLY JUST A MUSCULAR CAUCASIAN ALIEN. 
CG: IT’S HILARIOUS HOW HUMANS WORSHIP HIM AS A PINNACLE OF HUMAN HEROISM AND VIRTUE BUT HE ISN’T EVEN HUMAN. 
CG: ACTUALLY IT’S INCREDIBLY PATHETIC. 
CG: BUT ALSO IN A WAY KIND OF ADMIRABLE. 
CG: BECAUSE IT MEANS DEEP DOWN YOU ALL MUST REALIZE WHO YOUR DADDY IS. 
CG: WE ARE, BITCHES. 

You know you are in too deep, when your first thought after reading this… was wondering if all the trolls secretly have a daddy kink.

EB: yeah, superman is pretty cool, i guess. 
EB: did you know nicolas cage was almost going to play superman one time? 

WHAT THE FUCK

DOES IT EVEN

JOHN WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK

ABOUT YOU OR NICOLAS CAGE

WHERE DID THIS EVEN COME FROM

WHAT IS YOUR BRAIN JOHN

CG: OH MY THROBBING PHLEGM LOBE, WHO GIVES A BARFING FUCK ABOUT THAT. 
CG: JOHN EGBERT, YOU HAVE ASSASSINATED MY PATIENCE. 
CG: ADIOS LOSER. 

aDIOS LOSER HELP I CAN’T BRWATH IM GOING TO DOE THEY ARE GETTONG MULTICULTURAL RUN

EB: wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
EB: get back to me in a couple minutes, ok? 
CG: SD;LKFJSD;LKFJSDLFKJ; 
CG: FINE.

I believe he just smashed his head on the keyboard repeatedly. That must have hurt.

What is a frog temple doing in The Veil. And yeah, you can really see the seven gates on this one. I’m still upset about Skaia not turning out to be a huge swampland, by the way.

You are ripping up so many hellaceous shreds this fierceshitty biznasty is getting so deliriously rudebrazen it… 

Ok you lost the handle on that sentence. 

Don’t ya worry, one can only be cool for so long. *glances at Dave* You can only. Be cool. For so long. Heard that? GIVE. IT. UP

This thing is so completely illegal. 

How could this atrocity be floating out here unnoticed all this time? 

You are going to throw whoever is responsible into the slammer. 

You always call jail the slammer when you are extra angry at crimes.

I nominate AR as dorkiest Homestuck character. John can make out with all the posters he wants but HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GUY?? He takes himself so seriously and then he:

• calls the jail slammer when he is extra angry at crimes.
• almost sets his hat on fire upon greeting a fine carapacian
• surrenders to a pumpkin that vaguely looked like becquerel
• organizes military defenses of can town
• steals bros rocket board to make ill hoops

???? It’s incredible???

Other incisions. There are frogs, turtles… crocodiles??

There is… a hat… that I recognize on that screen.

There is a large monitor. Displayed on it is a small human girl in a fancy house. The date is April 21, 1910.

OH CHRIST IT’S NANNA AGAIN.

CUTE AS A BUTTON AAAH. I WON’T SURVIVE THIS.

Is that. Is that freaking Colonel Sassacre. I. Seriously I give up this time.

Eight days prior, the orphan girl was taken in by an aristocratic southern colonel and legendary humorist. He recovered the young lady from a crater where a bakery once stood,

It seems Nanna also hated Betty Crocker. Practically the only one in the Egbert/Harley family that did not get to destroy a Crocker property is, ironically enough, John. What a shame.

operated by the man’s wife, a notable baked goods baroness.

WAIT

WAUT

THE FICK

WOFEEEE??? WIFE???? BETTY CROCKER???? RAISED NANNA???? TOGETHER WOTH SASSACRE???? BETTY CROCJER IS JOHNS GRANDMOTHER?!,!???????

Can I just say. One thing. That Nanna is the only one so far that had an appropriate reaction to a meteor falling. Or what very likely is meteor falling. Kudos to Nanna. She is the only little crumb of realism I can hold onto as of now.

MEANWHILE. Colonel Sassacre goes: Blimey!! That sure is a meteor that just fell!! Let me assume an appropriate shocked stance!! *spreads legs* This shall do the trick!!

WHO IS THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT JUST LANDED AND KILLED A POOR INNOCENT DOG

The colonel and his new grand daughter investigate. 

The impact site is where a dog house stood moments ago. It was the magnificent abode of the man’s beloved pet, HALLEY. 

He takes a belt from the old julep flask. He’d sooner perish himself than lose that dear animal.

I feel you, Colonel. Nobody wants to outlive their pets.

People would think reports of the man’s death were greatly exaggerated. 

But they weren’t.

AND IN FACT HE WON’T DO IT

WHAY THE FUCK

WHAT THE ACTIAL FUCK

WHAT THE ACTUAL

This is exactly why babies should not be allowed to dual-wield flintlock pistols.

AAAAHHHH GRANDPAAAAAA. You killed both your guardian and his dog! Now who will raise you two silly pranksters!!! ….Wait, the baroness. Of course.

An old colonel lost, but a new brother gained.

This is. The most ridiculous thing. Nanna is just completely delighted by her guardian’s death. Sassacre is just. Laying. In a pool of his own blood. While Grandpa just climbed the crater. And now he and Nanna are partying hard. They have the house all for themselves. Imagine Betty Crocker coming home to this. Wait, she was probably charged with murder of her husband. The police wouldn’t really suspect the kiddies. But actually if we want to attempt something crazy and try to be logical while reading this bullshit, there should be thousands of tiny little grandpa’s fingerprints on the pistol…. UNLESS. Human beings created through Ectobiology do not have fingerprints!! DUN DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!! The mystery deepens.

WAIT HALLEY IS ALIVE

Ah ha! There’s HALLEY. The youngsters adore their new guardian. Good dog. Best friend. 

May I remind you that Colonel Sassacre’s body is still laying on the ground less than one feet away. His fingers are probably still twitching……. FOR THE GUN. He shall have his revenge!

But why is Hussie so thoroughly convinced that young children can be raised by dogs. Has Hussie been raised by a dog himself. Is this what he is trying to tell us. Is Homestuck just one big dog sitters propaganda.What is this bullshit.

The young boy has difficulty pronouncing the name though. Sounds more like "Harley” when he says it.

ARE YOU SHITTING ME

Thirteen years later, the boy develops a taste for adventure. He and his guardian bid farewell.

OOOOH NOOOOOOOOO

But why! Did Betty Crocker just let her 13 y/o grandchild take the dog and disappear into the sunset?

I’m also pretty sure Halley is not a freaking horse, you can’t just ride it. The poor thing his biting his tongue. “Get off me, you fatass. Also my name is not Harley.”

His sister is sad. She will be left all alone with the wicked pastry baroness. She can handle it, he tells her. He believes in her.

Ex-fucking-cuse you, it is not your place to say things like that. You’re not the one staying! And you pulled a pretty jerky move on poor Nanna.

Also this doesn’t even make sense. If Nanna is the one that had to stay with the batterwitch, why is Grandpa the one inheriting the whole freaking baking empire?! Did she just exclude her from testament?? Wow, what a bitch. I’m completely on board with John’s haters club right now. She is evil! Well, was. Now she is pretty dead. A pleasure to never have met her, I guess.

WAIT THE FUCKING TARGET I HADN’T NOTICED

This all seems pointless to you, and immaterial to the crime that has been committed. 

Though you do find it odd that the appearifier target has been fixed over that especially stupid looking animal. 

We are doing Ectobiology. To create. Fucking Becquerel. So Halley’s DNA mixed with….??? A Horrorterror??

THE TIME CAPSULE. THE BETAS. This is not A frog temple, this is THE frog temple.

*bangs head on keyboard CG’s style*

THE FUCKING GENETIC CODE. So??? What was Rose’s code meant to create before being combined with Halley?? Some sort of omnipotent being??? And why were the horrorterrors opposed to it?? Bec is a good dog. A best friend. He doesn’t damage us in any way. If anything he could be a great ally in The Medium! If not… maybe TOO GREAT?? I mean. He could eat Jack Noir for breakfast. Mmhh, I never actually realized… How is Bec going to feature into this? Isn’t he too strong?? Unless he doesn’t give a shit and doesn’t fight anyone. Because you know, he is a dog.

> John: Get trolled by CG in sane and linear manner.

NO. DON’T YOU DARE CHANGE POV NOW.

Oh. Look. The Lalondes did not move one inch. Why? There is A CAT in sight. What the fuck did you expect? They are fucking crazy over cats.

CG: OK, I GOT BACK TO YOU. 
CG: ARE YOU HAPPY. 
EB: sure, i guess. 
CG: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT YET. 
CG: BUT YOU ARE ABOUT TO START PASSING OUT BUNNIES LIKE THEY’RE CHEAP CIGARS. 
CG: IT’S GOING TO BE AN EMBARRASSING DISPLAY. 
EB: what are you talking about? 
CG: YEAH, EXACTLY, NUMSKULL. 
CG: LET’S JUST HAVE OUR CHAT, THEN IT CAN NATURALLY OCCUR TO YOU TO BE AN IDIOT IN THE DUE COURSE OF TIME. 

Wait. There is a mom. And a daughter. They are blonde. John owns many bunnies. This is all we need for the scene to unfold. WAIT. He is giving the bunny to Rose. Rose is going back to Earth with the bunny that SHE WILL MAKE IN THE FUTURE. I???? BULLSHIIIIIIIIIT.

EB: ok… 
EB: i was sort of mulling it over while looking at all these babies with guns and sitting on ponies and things… 
EB: and how the reckoning takes them back. 
EB: and how you said our reckoning starts sooner. 
CG: YEAH. 
EB: are you sure it has to start so soon? can’t we delay it? 

John, you will FAIL. FAIL. Your whole team will. There is no escape.

I have all my headcanons on how the kids react to failure very clear in my mind, want me to share??

How John Egbert reacts to INEVITABLE failure:

“failure?!? what are you talking about! what is failure? we will win!! *sounds of explosions nearing* umh… *universe collapsing behind him* WE WILL WIN!!! *gives thumbs up*”

How Rose reacts to failure:

“THAT’S IT! *wrecks you* *wrecks your family* *wrecks your ancestors* *wrecks your home country* *wRECKS THE UNIVERSE*”

Dave Strider:

yooooo shit is fucked up but what did you expect anyway *drops ill beats while everybody panics**is drenched in cold sweat**is dying inside*

Jade Harley:

“*laying spread on the floor face down* this,,,, is……. fine,,,,, *muffled sniffing* don’t worry….. about me……”

I have very strong feels headcanons about these kids. Oh, also. I bolded inevitable for a reason. I believe if they could do something, anything to avoid it, they would behave differently. Especially Jade.

CG: HAHAHAHA. 
CG: IT STARTS IN A FEW MINUTES STUPID. 
CG: SEE THAT COUNTDOWN CLOCK OVER THERE? 
CG: YOU AREN’T DELAYING ANYTHING. 

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT JADE
IS NOT EVEN
IN THE GAME YET????????

IT’S JACK NOIR ISN’T IT

THAT MOTHERFUCKER

HE IS ON THE BATTLEFIELD

AND THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN START IT

And I guess the number of times in which I screamed audibly while reading Homestuck just got up to five. Thank you for the random bombshell, CG. Although I think I screamed several times through the whole Ectobiology session, so I really lost count. Dang.

EB: oh… dang! 
EB: i guess i better get off this meteor then! 

YEAH I GUESS SO. WHAT DO YOU THINK.

EB: ok, well you keep saying how doomed we are and how all this bad stuff happens sooner, but you never say why! 
EB: what happens in our game that’s different from yours that makes things go so badly? 
CG: JACK NOIR.

I guess there wasn’t a little girl with a passion for nuclear physics that made a super powerful bunny weapon in the troll session, huh?

Rose wants the fucking bunny. She knows you have it. Give it the fuck over to her. It’s in her destiny. She has to cuddle it.

EB: who is jack noir? 
CG: AN AGENT OF DERSE. 
CG: WHO FLIPPED OUT AND ROSE TO POWER. 
CG: HE KILLED YOUR BLACK QUEEN AND KING AND NOW HE’S IN CHARGE. 
EB: so you didn’t have him in your game? 
CG: NO, WE DID. 
CG: BUT HE WAS HARMLESS. 
CG: ACTUALLY, HE WAS AN ALLY, SORT OF. 
CG: HE SETTLED A GRUDGE AGAINST THE QUEEN BY HELPING US DETHRONE AND EXILE HER. 
CG: AND THEN HE WOUND UP EXILED HIMSELF, AND SORT OF KEPT HELPING US THROUGH A COMMAND TERMINAL ON OUR OLD PLANET. 

PFFFFFTAHAHAHAHA. Oh, good ol’ Spades Slick. He helped them exile Snowman. Oh, dear. :’)

CG: HE’S KIND OF A HUGE ASSHOLE THOUGH. 
CG: BUT BECAUSE HE TOOK THE QUEEN OUT OF THE PICTURE, WHEN WE GOT TO SKAIA WE ONLY HAD ONE MONARCH TO DEAL WITH INSTEAD OF TWO. 
CG: OF COURSE IT WAS A NASTY GIANT 12X PROTOTYPED BLACK KING THAT TOOK FOREVER TO KILL, JUST BARELY IN TIME BEFORE THE BIGGEST METEORS CAME, BUT STILL. 

HEY!!!! SPOILERS!!! I don’t want to know about it beforehand, I wanna see it! Even if it takes me five years to get there!

So what’s the difference by the way?? We have one monarch too. It’s Jack Noir. We can take him down easy. He is pretty weak, you know. Yeah, he can fly and has tentacles, BIG DEAL. On the power scale I would place him as…. Stronger than Dad, weaker than Davesprite??? It’s actually ridiculous how much weak he is as a final boss. Well, there is still one prototyping to go but I actually have faith in Frogsprite being a thing. Even if not, the pattern to fit is still: Doll (John), Doll (Rose), Animal (Dave), Animal (Jade). We have a vast choice with everything Grandpa has ever stuffed. And I don’t remember there being something that strong in thE TOWER HOLY FUCK THE FREAKING DENIZEN THE FREAK DENIZEN HOOOLY SHIT HOOOOOOLY SHIT. Okay, don’t panic. Okay. That would make everything 200 times harder but. It would not make the game unwinnable. They can still beat it. They can OH MY GOD THINK ABOUT POOR JADE FRESHLY ENTERED IN THE GAME HAVING TO DEAL WITH IMPS SO STRONG YEAH SHE HAS A RIFLE BUT WHAT CAN A MEASLY RIFLE DO AGAINST A TYPHEUS-POWERED ENEMY. Wait. Actually, what would ANYBODY do against a freaking Typheus-powered enemy!! And why am I worrying about Jade, she is practically the safest with Bec on her side…………….. AND NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT BEC IS A FREAKING ANIMAL AND PRETTY QUALIFIED TO BE A SPRITE TOO. I don’t know which one would be worse Wait WHAT AM I SAYING OF COURSE BEC IS FUCKING WORSE WE ARE FUCKED WE ARE SO FUCKED. Jade is just surrounded by things that absolutely must be kept 400 miles away from the kernel!! And you know who is up on first prototyping duty this time around??? Freaking John Egbert!!! Mr. Brightest Kid in The Incipisphere. Mr. “what is the ultimate riddle anyway? maybe i can guess, i am good at riddles!” WE. ARE. SO. FUCKED. And yes, John is not that stupid that he happily prototypes something like an omnipotent dog, but that’s beyond the point!!! Because not only if something like that happened it would be an accident, but it would result in: 1. The Ultimate Jade Harley Fuck up. 2. Making the session unwinnable by default. WHICH IS. Practically. Everything CG has been bitching about since the beginning of the times!! Why couldn’t we just have Frogsprite. Frogsprite would have been so HILARIOUS!! Haha, look! It’s a frog, but also a sprite!! Haha, frogs are relevant for reasons!!!! Haha, it’s a floating ghost amphibious!!! Hahaha, oh god why.

Let’s. Let’s just stop thinking about this. Let’s move on.

EB: i see. 
EB: so after he got exiled and all that, he came here into our game and caused all this trouble? 

NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

…….Oh, gosh. I think CG is a bad influence on me. I’m doing nothing but insulting John. I’m so sorry, John, I’M EASILY IMPRESSIONABLE. I’m also picking up the emoticons with eyebrows from GC. I like them. >:( Look, I suddenly seem so upset. >:( When in reality I don’t give a fuck. >;) ……what am I doing.

CG: NO, GOD. 
CG: EGBERT YOU ARE THICKER THAN THAT HIDEOUS JOKE BOOK YOU WADDLE AROUND WITH. 
CG: TRY TO THINK MORE ABSTRACTLY. 
CG: THINK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. 
CG: WHAT’S AN EARTH GAME YOU LIKED TO PLAY? 
CG: NAME ONE. 
EB: ummmm… 
EB: crash bandicoot? 

I fucking loved Crash Bandicoot. I played the hell out of Crash Bandicoot. He and Spyro were all I cared about when I was seven.

CG: OK I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I HAVE A FEELING IT’S A REALLY LAME EXAMPLE, BUT THAT’S FINE, IT’S NOT THE POINT. 
CG: SO LET’S SAY YOU PLAY YOUR BANDICOOT AND I PLAY MY BANDICOOT. 
CG: THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME BANDICOOT, SAME APPEARANCE AND DESIGN AND BEHAVIORS. 
CG: BUT THEY ARE STILL COMPLETELY SEPARATE BANDICOOTS ON SEPARATE SCREENS. 
CG: SO WE BOTH HAVE OUR OWN ASS BANDICOOTS TO OURSELVES, THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT. 
CG: OUR JACKS ARE THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT TOO. 
CG: SAME GUY, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND OUTCOMES. 
CG: OUR JACK TRUMPED THE QUEEN, BUT GOT NO FURTHER. 
CG: YOUR JACK GOT THE BEST OF BOTH OF THEM, AND IS NOW SOMETHING HIGHER THAN A QUEEN OR A KING… 
EB: like an ace? 
CG: SURE OK. 
EB: ok, i think i get it. 

You know, when he is willing CG is really good at explaining things. A++ Very clear.

EB: but how did he do that? what was different about what we did versus what you did? 
CG: FRANKLY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ORIGINAL THING THAT TIPPED THE SCALE WAS. 
CG: IT IS UNDER INVESTIGATION. 

And there was once a giiiiiirl named Jaaaaadeee Harleeeeyyy Jadeee Harleeeeey

CG: BUT IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER. 
CG: THE WORST IS YET TO COME. 
CG: FOR YOU. 
EB: oh no! 
EB: what is the worst thing? 

I think… You. You are what is yet to come. And whatever you end up prototyping.

CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU. 
EB: dammit! 
EB: oh, hey… 
EB: sorry, hold on, this little lady is bugging me about something. 
CG: YEAH YEAH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH AND GIVE HER THE LOUSY RABBIT ALREADY. 
EB: oh!!!!! 
EB: oh man, i just had THE BEST idea, this is so perfect. 
EB: a blonde mother and daughter together, this is totally perfect. 
CG: PERFECT FOR WHAT, FLEXING YOUR FORMIDABLE MENTAL HANDICAP LIKE A FUCKING HEAVYWEIGHT FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MINUTES? 
CG: OH WAIT, LET ME CHECK, THE ANSWER IS YES. 
EB: it is like that scene in con air, i will give her the bunny like i am nick cage fresh out of the slammer. 
CG: FUCK. 

He calls it the slammer when he is extra angry at crimes. Take note, CG. Also he was the one who gave him the idea in the first place. Truly a genius.

> [S] John: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter.

The flash summed up:

YOU GET A BUNNY!

AND YOU TOO GET A BUNNY!!!!

EVERYBODY GETS A BUNNY!!!!!!!!!

CG proceeds to finally collapse as GC laughs.

I proceed to finally collapse because of wheezing constantly for two minutes straight causing a lack of oxygen in my lungs.

> END OF ACT 4 

WAIT. WAIT. OH. OH MY GOD. I. OH MY GOD.

IT’S BEEN 84 YEARS. ACT 4 HAS ENDED. I REPEAT ACT 4 HAS ENDED. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THIS DAY. I NEVER THOUGHT. OH GOD GIVE ME A TISSUE I AM GETTING EMOTIONAL. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE WHO HAS ASSISTED ME IN THIS JOURNEY. I HAVE NO WORDS. JUST THANK YOU EVERYBODY.

……..What do you mean Homestuck is not finished and I still have two more acts to go?!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN. SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT UP LET ME HAVE THIS YOU KILLJOYS

ACT 5 HERE I COMEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

WH

?????????

AH???????????

?????????

EH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

HUSS?!?!??

IEEEEE?!?!

HUSSIE

HUSSIIIIIEEEEEE

I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC I HATE THIS WEBCOMIC

You know what. I will just. I am so done. With this bullshit. So done. I will. Take a walk. To calm down. Perhaps to never return. I will move to Texas and see if the sky is really red over there. I will. Make some tea first. Tea is good. I am going to pack my things. And hope for a better future. Goodbye. Addio. Adieu. Adiòs. Arrivederci.