DBT SKILL: DEARMAN

borderlinebravery:

Communicating in a situation where your objective is clearly not being met can be difficult. DEARMAN is an interpersonal effectiveness skill that exists to help with this. Using the DEARMAN skill to navigate difficult social interactions can get you a more desirable outcome and preserve your relationships. Remember that not every situation that requires use of the DEARMAN skill has to be considered difficult; it can help in less-serious situations as well. For using DEARMAN in a current interaction, go here.
DESCRIBE: Describe the situation in a non-judgmental way. Stick to the facts, not emotions.
EXPRESS: Express the emotions you have about the situation your previously described before. Clearly state your emotions, thoughts, or beliefs about the situation to ensure there is no miscommunication. Do not assume that the person already knows or that they should be able to figure it out on their own based on what has already been said.
ASSERT: Ask for what you want clearly without beating around the bush or telling the person that they ‘should’ do what you want. Again, being clear and direct reduces the chance of miscommunication. Do not assume that the person already knows what you want.
REINFORCE: Explain the positive effect of someone giving you what you ask for, accepting your no for an answer, or agreeing with what you say. Telling them what’s in it for them before they give their response may help you get what you ask for.
STAY MINDFUL: Remain focused on your goal in the situation and do not let the other person change your mind or distract you from the conversation topic. One technique to stay mindful of your objective is to be a ‘broken record’. If someone is not answering or trying to distract you, keep repeating yourself over and over. Don’t raise your voice or change your wording to attack them. Saying the same exact thing will make it hard for them to ignore it so many times. Another technique is to ignore the other person’s attacks or distractions. Stay focused on making your request, saying no, or saying your opinion. Not responding to attacks, ignoring them, and staying calm will give you more control over the conversation. You can address their attacks or distractions another time.
APPEAR CONFIDENT: Use a confident tone of voice; do not whisper or raise your voice if attacked. Use confident body language by making eye contact and not doing things such as crossing your arms or staring at the floor.
NEGOTIATE: If things are not going in your favor, try finding a middle point you both can agree on. Reduce your request, ask for their opinion, and find a way to make your objective met in a different way, if possible. You can try ‘turning the tables’ on them by asking for their opinion and asking what they think should be done to solve the problem.
Source: (x) paraphrased by Alyssa for Borderline Bravery