How to Deal with Parents Who are Not Accepting

theartoftransliness:

A lot of people have come to us asking what they should do about parents who aren’t very accepting of their gender identity or decision to transition. When it comes to families, it’s difficult to give advice, because every family is different (as is every situation, for that matter). This is particularly difficult considering the wide range of behaviors that fall under “not accepting,” from refusing to acknowledge or talk about it to throwing their child out of the house. More serious situations, particularly ones involving abuse, are way beyond us (for those, we recommend contacting a therapist or other mandated reporter). For the mild to moderate cases of parents who are not dealing with your coming out very well, though, here’s our advice: 

I. Educate. A huge issue with parents in these situations is that they hear their child say “I feel like a boy” (or any other gender) or the word “transgender” and they shut down. A lot of times they have an image in their minds of what it means to be transgender, and that image isn’t pleasant. One of the roots of their fear, anxiety, and overall discomfort with your gender identity is likely simply ignorance.

While many parents are unwilling to listen, leaving around helpful books, print outs of online articles, pamphlets, etc. can sometimes help them learn about gender identity and transitioning. Many parents think “my child can’t be transgender,” only to later read about other trans people’s journeys and recognize their own child in their stories. Other parents worry about their child’s safety, future, and personal happiness, and are reassured by stories of successful and happy trans people. 

For educational materials for parents, we recommend PFLAG’s Welcoming Our Trans Family and Friends, the book Transgender Explained for Those Who are Not, and T-Vox’s Trans 101. Quite a few family and friends of trans people have mentioned finding the Our America special on trans people and the Barbra Walters special on transgender children really informative and helpful from an emotional perspective. A lot of people are not accepting of their transgender family members or friends because they feel it is a choice, and find hearing the emotionally charged stories of transgender people on TV give them an insight into their family and friends that they didn’t have before that changes their minds. 

II. Be Open, Share Your Feelings, Talk Through and Process Things. If your parents ARE willing to talk, than try to have constructive conversations with them about your identity, feelings, and future plans. No matter what your age, your parents are probably still very protective of you and probably a little controlling. Parents don’t like feeling out of the loop or that you’re completely doing things behind their back. Obviously this applies more if you are living with them, but even if you’ve lived away from home for years it’s nice to warn them far in advance when you are about to make a make change in your life like starting hormones or getting surgery. Keep them updated on things, share your feelings, and explain to them the journey that brought you to your gender identity/decision to transition. Obviously not all parents are willing to talk, but a lot of them just want to understand, feel included, and that you are going to be okay. 

It helps if you can keep all of these conversations calm, but this is a touchy issue and so these conversations can often turn into fights. A lot of parents accuse their children of transitioning or identifying a certain way to spite them or hurt them, and lash out because they are scared, upset, and confused. Therapy can help facilitate these discussions in a safe and supportive environment. Not all parents are comfortable with therapy (or can afford it), but it can be a very helpful experience for people in this situation. 

A lot of parents benefit from talking to other parents in similar situations. Having a network of supportive people who are understanding can be just as helpful for your parents as it is for you. Trans Youth Family Allies has a lot of resources for parents of trans people, including a private online discussion group where parents of trans people can talk to each other in a supportive environment.   

III. Give them Time. This is one of the most frustrating things to hear, but it’s true. So often these situations improve with time. Parents of people in their teens (and sometimes older) often assume anything their children do is a phase and sometimes don’t try to learn about it, get used to it, or take it seriously until they absolutely have to. Other parents simply need time getting used to the idea or to let it fully sink in, or need to see for themselves that you don’t change/blow up/whatever their worried about before they come around. Furthermore, many parents who don’t warm up to the news immediately go through the stages of grief and take awhile to get around to the final stage: acceptance (of course, some people never get there, but let’s be optimistic here!). 

I have personally known many, many parents and family members of trans* people who were not accepting when their relative first came out but eventually came around. It often gets better with time, though of course it doesn’t always. Some people are just unlucky and have parents who never really get it and never come around. Unfortunately other than the things mentioned above, there isn’t a whole lot you can do. You can’t control other people, and as frustrating and unfair as that is, that includes making them accept and understand you. However, I’ve seen a lot of seemingly hopeless cases turn around and things get better for families who I never thought would improve. It’s becoming a cliche, but hang in there because it so often gets better. : )