Masturbation, Relationships, and Sex: A Guide for Trans and Gender Variant People

fuckyeahsexeducation:

Sex, relationships, and masturbation can be tricky when you’re Trans. You have to deal with social stigma as well as your own dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is the feeling that your body isn’t quite right. For trans people this usually involves the genitals and chest, but it can also involve body hair, voice, facial features, weight distribution, and many other parts of the body. This can make it difficult to even be naked, let alone touching your body or having it be touched. There’s also the constant fear of rejection or even violence which is why many trans people are hesitant to start up relationships or approach someone for sex. In this article we’ll discuss some tips on how to deal with each of these issues.

Keep reading

(The text from under the keep reading has been pasted here to preserve it if the original blog ever deleted)

Dysphoria is a huge issue in the trans community, although not every trans or gender variant person goes through it. Dysphoria affects everyone in different ways and to different degrees. It can also vary from day to day. One day you’re dealing with it fine, and the next it turns your world upside down. Going through dysphoria or having bad dysphoria doesn’t make you “more trans”, but it can bring up more hurdles for you to jump. It’s a very individual experience, just like sex and relationships. It’s important to talk to your partners about what triggers your dysphoria. Talk to them about what pronouns you prefer, and if you prefer gender neutral pronouns you may have to teach them how to use them. Teach them what parts of your body are off limits. Everyone has different boundaries, so it’s important to communicate what yours are. It’s also a good idea to come up with something to call your genitals that is more comfortable to your gender identity. Everyone has different names, I’ve heard quite a lot. One of the great things about the human body is we all have the same parts, just a little bit differently shaped. The clitoris is the same thing as the penis, the testicles the same thing as the ovaries, breasts and chests are exactly the same only different people have different amounts of fat there. Call your body parts whatever you feel most comfortable calling them. The main thing is that bodies don’t have a gender. It doesn’t matter what society says, if you identify as a woman you have a woman’s body. It doesn’t matter if people call your clitoris a penis, it’s a clitoris. This is true for every gender or every name for your body parts. Just keep reminding yourself that your body is yours, not society’s. Just because society has a narrow view doesn’t mean you have to. You may have to educate your partner a little, but if they want to be with a trans person they’re going to have to widen their view too.

So, how do you masturbate with all this in mind? It helps to change the way you view your body, but that’s just one step. There are things that you can do that will better keep in mind your gender and avoid having your dysphoria triggered. If you’re DFAB, you can get a phallic vibrator intended for vaginal stimulation. You then turn it on a good speed for you and place it on your clitoris/penis. You can then rub your hand up and down the shaft of the vibrator. Another technique is to make or buy a DFAB masturbation sleeve. Get a water bottle and fill it half full with very warm water, Open a condom without unrolling it and place the condom on top of the water bottle. Rap a rubber band around the rim to make it watertight. You can use lube, then insert your clitoris/penis and tip the water towards you. As always different people have different boundaries so don’t feel like a “lesser trans person” for liking Penetration of the “vagina”. It’s fine to explore your body and have fun with it. Remember, your gender is all that matters and your body is yours. For DMAB people you can try rubbing your penis/clitoris with the palm of your hand. Remember, clitorises vary in size a lot so just treat it like you would any other clitoris. Another technique is to curl the penis/clitoris inward while it’s not erect then press the tip of your ring finger against the tip of the penis/clitoris and curl your finger to the base of the shaft. You can add other fingers to stimulate different parts of you. Experiment! Anyone can also try “anal” stimulation! It can be a difficult position to stimulate with your fingers, especially if your also trying to stimulate your genitals, so you may need to get a toy. Use LOTS of lube and relax. Slowly get used to what finger you can manage to fit in, then make your way up to a toy over time. If it starts to hurt stop. You can go back to it later. You may need to reapply lube or stimulate other erogenous zones. You can just stimulate the outside of the anus for a while until you get more comfortable. You can also use masturbation techniques that don’t involve being naked, like grinding your genitals against a pillow, blanket, or back and forth on a surface like a chair. It may help to close your eyes and focus on the sensation and any fantasies you have. Watching porn or reading erotica may also help. Remember, these are just tips. Explore your body and figure out what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t experience much dysphoria with masturbation and can use typical methods that’s fine! Again, don’t feel like you’re less of a trans person if you experience things differently. Feel free to experiment with sex toys to figure out what feels good. Remember to caress other parts of your body too, whatever parts you are comfortable with. Erogenous zones can be located anywhere so don’t be afraid to experiment.

Another huge cause of anxiety for trans people is dating and meeting people. It’s just a constant dialogue of “Will I find someone who likes all of me”, “Will I find someone who understands me?”, “when do I tell them I’m trans*?”, “How will they react?”, “Will they fetishize and objectify me?”, “Will I be forced to only date and have sex with people who fetishize trans people?”, “Am I going to be a victim of violence because of my trans status?”. Dating is always scary, but these questions can make them even scarier. What I suggest is when it comes to meeting people and disclosing that you’re trans*, do it in a safe environment where you have back up. That way if things go wrong, you’ll have support. You can meet people on dating websites, at dance clubs, LGBTQAI+ support groups or events, or any place you frequent like book stores, coffee shops, libraries, or town events. If someone seems interested and likes you, get to know them better. It may work best to bring up trans* people in theory first to see how they react. If you get a negative reaction, you know to move on. If you get a positive reaction, feel free to get closer. Once you have a feel for the person and you think they’re safe and you’re comfortable with them you can tell them that you’re trans. Let them know what pronouns you prefer. From there you can ask them out for a date. One night stands can be tricky and dangerous. I suggest using a buddy system. Go out with a friend you trust, let them get a feel for the person as well, then if you leave alone with that person make a plan to call in to your friend at a certain time and when you get home so they know you’re okay. Text them the address where you are as soon as you know where you’re going. Tell the person you’re trans before you’re alone with them. This can be uncomfortable to do if you’re in a crowded bar, so maybe suggest to move the party somewhere quieter but where you’re still with friends before leaving with them. Really, what it comes down to is your safety and comfort. When you actually find someone who likes you, is attracted to you, and respects you (don’t ever settle for less, it may seem hard but you can do it) the relationship can still be difficult. Communication is your number one tool. Let your partner know when something they say or do crosses a line. Let them know what your boundaries are, what your likes and dislikes are, and what terms of endearment you prefer.

Now here comes the juicy part, what do you do when you and your partner are ready for sex? This can be pretty stressful, especially if it’s your first time ever having sex. First thing I recommend doing is filling out Scarleteen’s Sexual Inventory Stocklist. This way your boundaries are clear cut and everyone knows them. Discuss what to do if you suddenly become uncomfortable and want to stop. It’s okay to stop at any point. Remember, your comfort is the most important. Come up with a safe word, phrase, or movement to let your partner know you want everything to stop. Communicate! Tell them what feels good and what doesn’t. Come up with a plan of action. What activities do you feel most comfortable with? Start slow. Don’t push yourself too quickly. Start with things you know you’ll be okay with, and later you can experiment with things you’re not sure about. Here’s some tips on certain positions and activities that can help with dysphoria.

Once you get past the kissing and making out stage you may want to start exploring with stimulation. I would suggest if you aren’t comfortable with your body yet to try dry humping with clothes on. Basically, just rub your genitals together. You can try different positions; missionary, riding on top, spooning, or doggy style. Basically, just have sex but with the clothes on. You can also try doing this in your underwear or naked. It just depends on your comfort level. This is a good way to provide stimulation without actually dealing with genitals or stimulation of any orifice. Just remember if your partner’s genitals aren’t the same as yours that you still need to protect against pregnancy and no matter the genitals if both of you are naked you need to protect against STIs. Using a condom would be the best solution or doing this with underwear either with tucking or without.

Next step would be actually touching genitals. If you’re not comfortable with your genitals being touched but you’re comfortable with touching your partner’s let them know. Sometimes experimenting and getting to know someone else’s genitals can help you feel more comfortable about your own. If you do want your genitals touched for oral or manual stimulation, again it helps to think of your genitals as the “right” genitals for you. Coach your partner to help treat your genitals like you want them to be treated. If you are a trans man, then have them treat your penis like it should be treated. For manual stimulation they can ball their hand up in a fist and stimulate your clitoris/penis with the bottom. They can also use a vibrator like the above masturbation tips. With oral sex have them lick and suck on your clitoris/penis. If you’re a trans woman, then have them do the opposite. They can use the same technique as the above masturbation technique, bending your penis/clitoris backwards and stimulating it with their fingers and tongue. You can also try “muffing” a technique that stimulates the inguinal canal. Now if you don’t have the best grasp on anatomy, this is how you do it. Use your index finger and get a testicle. Push it upward and slightly outward (towards the inside of your leg) until you meet resistance. That’s where your inguinal canal is. Now you can either let the testicle drop and explore the canal with your finger or push lightly and carefully on the base of the testicle until it pops through the opening and then continue to stimulate. Your partner can do this with their hands or their mouths.

A lot of trans people enjoy anal sex as they can be stimulated without dealing with their genitals. I have a post specifically for anal play that may help. Have fun with it and try new things! If you do want to involve your genitals in either intercourse or anal there are a couple things you can do. You can use a strap-on that either has clitoral/penile stimulation for you (this usually involves a bullet vibrator in the harness) or doesn’t or if you’re okay with vaginal entry a double ended dildo. I talk about all this more here. You can also use a harness without a dildo, and fit your penis/clitoris in the whole. That way you can have strap on fun as well, with less dysphoria! Again, everyone is different so experiment and do whatever you feel comfortable with. Remember to talk about your fantasies, things you want to try, kinks, and BDSM elements you’d like to incorporate into your sexual activity. Dress in a way that makes you feel sexy, dry role-play, bondage, spanking, whatever turns you on.

Some people after sexual activity or masturbation feel really dirty or guilty. These feelings are common, but understand that they aren’t necessary. Talk about these feelings with a friend, partner, or therapist. Figure out what those automatic internal thoughts are that are making you feel that way, tell them they’re wrong, and remember that you are an amazing individual that deserves sexual pleasure and that society can stuff its “gender rules” where the sun don’t shine. You are your gender identity, not your body. Remember to always use condoms and dental dams with all sex methods to make sure there’s no chance of pregnancy or STIs.

Now, so far I’ve really just talked about pre-transitional bodies. Hormones and surgery can definitely change your sexuality and how you have sex and masturbate. Those changes are different for everyone so I can’t really tell you exactly what will work for you. A lot of people’s libido changes. That’s fine. Talk to your partner about those libido changes and when you want and don’t want sex. Always make sure both of you are comfortable and having their needs met. Have fun exploring your body going through its second puberty. Sensitivity of certain body parts can change as well as the shape and size of your body. Estrogen can make it more difficult to achieve erections and ejaculation which may or may not be a problem. It can make some of the techniques we’ve talked about easier as erection can make them more difficult. Again, communicate with your partner what feels good and talk to them about the changes you are going through. When it comes to top surgery, sensitivity can change so once you’re all healed explore that part of your body and let your partner know of any changes that occurred. With bottom surgery, usually people are ready to try out their new equipment. Be sure to give yourself time to heal and not to rush things too much. Explore your new genitals and figure out what feels good. Some people will need to use lube, as you may not produce your own lubrication. Go as slow as you need. Remember to use safer sex methods. Just because your genitals were made by man doesn’t mean they’re STI proof. You still need to protect yourself.