What Am I? “I feel [thoughts, feelings]. What am...

What Am I?

“I feel [thoughts, feelings]. What am I?”

We can’t answer that. The only person who can…is you. However, we are able to suggest terms you may identify with and encourage you.

Maybe your friend said she doesn’t think you seem non-binary, or your mom said you don’t act like a trans guy would act so you can’t be trans. It can be hard to do, but you need to push those comments aside and trust in yourself.

Don’t let other people’s opinions determine how you identify- they aren’t the one in your head having your experiences and feelings, you are. And again, you are only one who can figure out your gender.

Check out the trans umbrella for a definition of trans identity if you’re not sure you know what it means to be trans or non-binary, or what identities count as trans or nb.

If you can’t meet other trans people in real life, we would recommend following trans people on tumblr or other social media. You can find plenty of people who would be willing to talk to you about your gender or their own experience with questioning.

“What if I don’t have dysphoria about X thing, or I do have dysphoria about Y gendered feature? What am I then?”

Again, we can’t choose a label for you!

But it’s important to know that non-binary people can have dysphoria about different things, including top/chest dysphoria and lower/genital dysphoria. So you can be non-binary, for example, and want to get lower surgery.

And it’s also important to know that binary people (ie trans men and trans women) don’t have to have dysphoria about any particular thing, so you can be a trans woman, for example, but not have any issue with your genitals or not want to be on estrogen.

So any trans person (and that includes nb folk) can experience any type of gender dysphoria or gender euphoria (or the lack thereof), and having dysphoria or not having dysphoria isn’t limited to people with a certain label or required of people with a certain label. More info on all of that is in our Dysphoria page.

In addition, it’s possible for someone to not experience dysphoria about a certain trait as a child but still end up feeling dysphoric about it at a later point.

What label should I use?

The links below have some label ideas and definitions!

If you don’t like a label, then you don’t have to use it. You should choose whatever gender identity term is the most comfortable for you, whether that means choosing something well-known or deciding to go with a micro-label.

Gender identities:

Sexual orientations:

Look into what you think fits you and feels the most right and comfortable, and if you feel like you really like a certain label, and you’re drawn to it, then that might be an indicator it’s right for you! But there’s no time limit before you have to choose one, and it’s okay to explore things!

We also have tags for different genders or sexualities (such as /tagged/bigender) if you want more info.

Go to your browser like Chrome or Safari and type https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/tagged/insertidentity if you can’t search the blog on your mobile app! And replace insert identity with the word you’re looking for.

“I didn’t suspect I am trans until I was [x age], so am I still valid?

Yes, you’re valid! Not everyone realizes they’re trans in childhood like the narrative pushed at you by the media says, and that’s totally okay. In fact, the majority of trans people probably don’t realize as children, or don’t have the language to label their feelings as children, or don’t have as gendered bodies yet, or aren’t expected to fit into gender roles as kids yet so they don’t realize they’re in the wrong one, or the converse where they have their self-identification invalidated and knocked down so they don’t have a welcoming environment to explore and grow and therefore don’t identify as trans yet. There are many reasons people don’t necessarily know they’re trans when they’re children, and they’re all valid.

Many of our mods realized as teens (Read the When did you know you were trans? post for more info on realizing as a teen or child) but that isn’t because most people realize at the age we did, it’s because this is a blog that looks for teenage mods (so the advice is from your peers and mostly not from adults) and that means you’ll have mods who realized as teens or occasionally younger.

So some people realize as children, some people realize during puberty, some people realize in high school, some people realize as adults, and it’s all normal, valid, and okay. You’re never too old to realize.

To Survive On This Shore (Photographs and Interviews with Transgender and Gender Nonconforming Older Adults)
My Transgender Life — Transitioning at Age 64 (has some misgendering of Caitlyn Jenner)
How a Sliver of Glass Changed My Life (Injury mention)
Some people discussing when they realized

Here are a few basic steps to get you started on your journey:

Daydreaming. Think of the future; maybe you have the perfect occupation, or children, or life partner(s), or all three? Or perhaps you’re supreme dictator of Earth? No matter where you are, what do you look like? A man, a woman, someone in between, both, neither, etc.? The image you have in mind could be indicative of who you feel you are, or who you want to be.

Stating your gender. Look in the mirror. State, “I am a boy/girl/etc.,” or, “I am not [assigned gender].” Does it feel right? Does it feel comfortable? This could be indicative of who you feel you are, or who you want to be! There’s nothing wrong with questioning and trying on a label for a while to see if it fits you.

Being called your chosen name/pronouns. (Please note that you do not have to change your name or pronouns to be transgender.) Think of a close friend who you trust and feel would support and respect you during this time. Say to them, “I am questioning my gender and I would like you to call me (insert name here) and use (insert pronouns here) for me when other people aren’t around.” A good friend will agree. If it feels right for them to call you your chosen name, that could be an indicator.

It will feel weird at first to have your friend call you your chosen name, but you’ll get comfortable with it if it is right. The same goes for your gender pronouns! There’s definitely an adjustment period before it feels normal, so don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t click immediately.

However, you don’t have to tell your friends right away. There isn’t a time limit before it’s too late to come out, and you can come out whenever you’re ready to do so. If you aren’t ready to tell friends that you’re questioning, these three websites will help you practice pronouns:

http://www.practicewithpronouns.com (TW for some disturbing sentences, they’re modeled after the Welcome to Nightvale podcast)
https://minus18.org.au/pronouns-app/
http://www.pronouns.failedslacker.com/

Experiment. For people or beings who think they may be transmasculine, you could pack with a sock, purchase a chest binder, dress in “masculine” clothing, or talk to masc-identified people or beings! For people or beings who think they may be transfeminine, you can try on makeup, dress in “feminine” clothing, or talk to femme-identified people or beings!

You don’t need to rush into anything. You can try things for as long as you want.

Gender expression ≠ gender identity, as shown on the genderbread person, so course it’s valid to be both gender non-conforming and a trans person, like being a trans guy who likes dresses, or a trans girl who is a tomboy, and liking a feminine or masculine presentation doesn’t inherently make you trans.

If you decide you’re not trans, you’ve still had an adventure into gender that likely widened your understanding of your own self and your understanding of other people- no harm done.

Being yourself is important, even if you end up identifying as cis instead of trans, so don’t worry about whether you’re “allowed” to bind/paint your nails, etc, and just do whatever makes you feel comfortable because everyone is allowed to express themselves in whatever way they want to, and that includes cis people.

Research. If you don’t know much about being transgender, look here to start. Google is your friend! Check out videos on YouTube, talk to people who are on hormones or have had surgeries, and definitely check out our transmasculine resources or our transfeminine resources.

Look into surgeries and hormones, if this is something that interests you- but don’t actually start the process of getting them until you’re sure it’s what you need. Just becoming aware of your medical transition options might help- if you feel like it’s something you might want, then that might be an indicator of your identity. But please note that you do not have to want to get surgery or go on hormones to be transgender, and you can want surgery/hormones and be non-binary, or not want surgery and be a man or woman.

Try to avoid online “gender quizzes” that ask you stuff like your personality and your height or your hobbies to figure out if you’re trans. They’re pretty much nonsense- only you can figure out your identity, and the quizzes tend to rely on stereotypes.

Here are some links that may be helpful:

You don’t have to be super-duper uncomfortable with being the gender you were assigned at birth to be allowed to identify as trans- no particular amount of dysphoria is required. If you would just be happier or more comfortable identifying as a different gender, you’re still trans enough. Gender euphoria is a thing!

There’s nothing wrong with questioning your gender, and it doesn’t hurt other trans people or take away from the community or anything. In the end, you’ll have just learned more about yourself and about the trans community- and that’s a happy ending regardless of whether you end up deciding you’re trans or cis.

“But what if I don’t want to be trans?”

Check that link!

If you have any further questions, feel free to ask us, but we can’t tell you who you are since only you can know that. Remember, it’s okay to take your time to figure it out but the way you feel now is valid and important!

Followers, feel free to add on with more tips that helped you when you were questioning!

Posted on August 26, 2013 with 5,532 notes