various medieval English rulers in a grocery store
I have ingested nyquil so I am doing this
Alfred the Great: buys just enough canned food and duct tape to the point where you’re not overly concerned but you are pretty sure he’s a doomsday prepper
Aethelflaed: fills three carts with snack cakes, those church basement paper cups, and generic brand soda because no one can negotiate a surrender on an empty stomach
Athelstan: that is far too much coffee
Aethelred the Unready: just buying every single item on his wife’s list. This is the fourth store he’s been to because Emma is very specific.
Cnut: only came here for all his Special Haircare Products
William the Conqueror: fills up a cart and just leaves without paying. just fucking books it to the parking lot I hate him
Matilda: comes in with three rowdy boys, tells them to not ask for ANYTHING, buys an armload of 5-hour energies, leaves with two rowdy boys
Henry II: walks around the store eating a bag of grapes he has not bought while Eleanor does the actual shopping
Richard I: will find a way to talk about his study abroad last year with the deli guy if it kills him. Is also texting his mom to ask what groceries he needs to buy because he has no idea
John: verbally berating everyone in customer service because they won’t let him return a dented can of peas that expired 7 years ago
Edward I: tries to use a 24 year old coupon to buy lentils in bulk (he doesn’t even like lentils?) and knocks over an elaborate pepsi display in a fit of rage
Edward II: has his card declined and demands to know why the cashier had to be so loud about it
Edward III: says “guess it’s FREE THEN HAHAHA!!!” when an item doesn’t scan right away. several items do not scan. Gets a veteran’s discount.
Richard II: that’s uhhh… a lot of advil there buddy
Henry V: also has his card declined but drops the “DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS” line, is dressed like lucky luciano
Henry VI: begins to panic when Margaret leaves him in line for two minutes because she forgot eggs. the line is moving quickly…so quickly
Edward IV: he has one cart filled with wine. Elizabeth Woodville has another filled with kid cuisines.
Henry VII: pulls out the fattest binder you have ever seen and it’s filled with coupons. His transactions usually take 2 hours and he tsks the entire time.
Henry VIII: buys bags of charcoal and dog food just so he can pick them all up and be like “yeah this isn’t even heavy to me I don’t even feel it” also buys condoms and laughs nervously
Edward VI: literally just buying root vegetables even though he’s 9 because he is so weird
Mary I: just coming in for her weekly supply of “praying for you” cards, always gives exact change thank you mary
Elizabeth I (if these even count as medieval anymore): no longer allowed to do her own shopping after the sweet n low incident. Now a personal shopper gets her groceries for her. it is robert dudley
Henry IV: basket equally divided between ingredients for doing something ambitious, like making his own sushi or pasta, and canned mac n cheese, complan and medicated skin cream. Tells anyone who will listen he’s going to Jerusalem on Wednesday, but never seems to go anywhere.
