If you only knew

Word Count: 1.3K+
Pairing: Kurt Wagner x Reader (No gender specified)
Summary: Kurt is terrified of how much he likes you, so he begins praying to God to make his feelings for you disappear. When that doesn’t work, he’s sure he has to punish himself for feeling the way he does. Based on this headcanon by @ichimatsu-boi and this request.
Warnings: Mentions of self-harm.

The first time Kurt saw you, he hadn’t been able to understand why, all of a sudden, he’d felt like there were little birds flapping their wings wildly inside his stomach.

You had been a student at Xavier’s already when he got there– but he hadn’t gotten to meet you properly until two weeks after his arrival, when you had come looking for Jubilee to finish a project you two were doing together. You had introduced yourself to Ororo, Peter, Scott and then… to him. You had offered your hand with a bright smile, and when he touched it, he felt like a jolt of electricity had run from his fingers directly to his heart.

He didn’t know what that meant.

The next time he was face to face with you was when you had come to him and Jubilee with a plate filled with cookies you’d baked yourself, offering them some. When he’d tried them and told you they were delicious, your entire face had lit up– and the little birds had returned to his stomach, flapping their wings even harder than the first time. Something in him told him that he needed to see you shining that brightly again because of something he’d said– desperately.

He didn’t know what that meant.

You spent a lot of time outside given the fact that your mutation was directly connected with nature, and every time he saw you sitting on the grass, making little flowers appear on the ground with just the sheer power of your will, his hands started sweating and his heartbeat increased dramatically.

He didn’t know what that meant.

It wasn’t until he caught Scott and Jean kissing one time and something deep inside him told him he wished he could do that with you that he finally knew what everything you made him feel meant.

He liked you.

He tried to bury his feelings as deep as he possibly could inside his mind– but it only took one smile from you when you passed him on a corridor for them to surface again– stronger, deeper.

He believed that if he gave himself some time, the feelings were going to disappear on their own. But then the months passed– and he actually got to know you; to see the version of yourself you only showed to your closest friends, and he knew that this thing he felt for you was only going to become bigger.

That was the first time he prayed to God to make his feelings go away.

They didn’t.

You were incredibly nice to him, and it was obvious that you had begun considering him one of your best friends. You were always trying to spend time with him, you introduced him to your other friends– you made him feel loved.

He now prayed to God every night to make his feelings for you go away.

They didn’t– they only grew stronger.

Kurt is now way past the point of thinking this will solve on its own– he feels desperate, because he knows– God, he would bet his life on it– that you’ll never feel the same way about him that he feels about you. And the worst part is that now he wants more– so much more. He wants to wrap himself around you while you’re both naked and panting and loving the intense pleasure you give to each other and– and–

And now he knows that God isn’t going to help him. God isn’t going to erase his feelings for you– so he has to take care of them himself.

Punishment.

That’s the only way he’ll be able to get over you. He has to punish himself for thinking about you that way– for even considering doing those things with you, for the absolute desire that consumes him every time he gets to be with you alone.

Punishment for his sins.

He’s ready to carve the mark that will make him always remember why he shouldn’t think of you like that– ever– and he’s so engrossed in what he’s going to do that he doesn’t hear the soft knock on his bedroom door, and he definitely doesn’t hear the voice that tells him they’re coming in– and it isn’t until you’re kneeling in front of him, tears making your eyes shine bright, that he realizes you’re really here– with him– and you know what he’s about to do.

“Kurt, what are you doing?” You ask him, holding his hands in yours, effectively stopping him from doing what he’d planned. “Why did you feel you had to hurt yourself?” You ask, bringing his hands to your chest while you caress them with your fingers.

He feels like he’s in some kind of daze, staring into your eyes. He knows you asked him a question but he’s too busy thinking about how incredibly beautiful you look with the sun hitting your back like that– busy thinking that maybe you aren’t human at all, because it makes much more sense for you to be a celestial being instead.

“Kurt?” You try again, kissing his hands softly and he frowns at the gesture before looking at you in the eyes, and you can see that his mind is miles away.

“I vas…” He tries to say but for some reason the words aren’t coming to him as fast as they should. “I had to punish myself. I vished for somezhing I shouldn’t have. I still do.” He confesses, his gaze dropping to the floor and you are pretty sure that, for some reason, he feels ashamed.

“What was that, Kurt? You can tell me.” You reassure him, looking at him with kind eyes and no matter how hard he tries to stop himself, he knows he’s about to tell you everything.

“I have been zhinking too much about you. Impure zhoughts. Zhings zhat I shouldn’t be vishing for– because you vill never vant zhe same vith me.” He shakes his head and his eyes glaze over with tears. “I am a bad person, [Y/N]. I have been praying for my feelings for you to go avay, but zhey haven’t. Every day I only vant to be vith you more. More and more and more and I just vant it to stop because you don’t deserve zhis. And I don’t deserve you.” You are speechless, looking at him like you can’t believe what he just told you– because you can’t.

You can’t understand how this angel sitting down in front of you is crying because he thinks he has to punish and hurt himself for wanting to be with you too much– because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of you.

If he only knew that you’ve spent entire days thinking about him and how wonderful he is– fantasizing about being with him and kiss him and hold him and love him.

And he thinks he doesn’t deserve you? No.

So you do the only thing you feel will show him how wrong he is– you kiss him. You press your lips against his and close your eyes, hoping that this will be enough for him to realize that whatever feelings he has for you– you have for him as well.

You pull away after a few seconds, still holding onto his hands.

“Vhat?” He asks, disbelieving.

“I like you too. I’ve liked for months and I think about you all day long. I know I want to be with you just as much as you want to be with me– more, probably. God, Kurt. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Please don’t hurt yourself because of me, and don’t pray for your feelings to go away ever again. I don’t know what I would do.” You confess, and it’s clear in your tone of voice that you feel a little desperate.

“I von’t.” He answers, once again looking like he’s in a daze that transports his mind away from where you are. But this time, he shakes his head and comes back to you, his stare focused. “I von’t.” And then he pulls one hand out from your grasp and places it on your cheek, caressing it softly.

And then he kisses you, and everything in the world makes sense again.

Tagged: @shayara​; @mysteriouscrystalnomad