Warm - hearted

Title: Warm - hearted  

Pairing: Peter Quill x reader

Words: 2.5K +

Warnings: after Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. Angst, romantic, funny lines.

Summary: after Yondu’s funeral, the reader can’t find the courage to talk to Peter, because she almost lost him thanks to Ego, so Gamora speaks with her in order to make her discuss it with Peter. But there’s also more than this.  

Notes: I just needed to write something about Peter, after I’ve read this beautiful story https://fanfic-shiz.tumblr.com/post/160427156726/theories-peter-quill by https://fanfic-shiz.tumblr.com. Thanks for inspiring me x Feedback is always appreciated! 

His words were stuck in her head. She kept reliving that scene, again and again, in her mind. She felt like throwing up endless times in those two days. She couldn’t sleep, because the memories were always with her. She knew him and thinking that a person who she talked to, she fought side by side, was dead… that nauseated her. But mostly, what really upset her, was that he was important to one of her friends and there was nothing she could do to make him feel better. He was real, one day and the day after that, he was just… gone. She knew the feeling, because that’s what hit her when her friend didn’t come back on the ship. The fear, the pain in her bones, the burning in the contours of her eyes, full of red blood for being so tired, she felt them all in those minutes in which she believed he was dead and he was never coming back.

She hid her face into her hands for the millionth time, then rose up from the bed and went out. She just wanted to breathe some fresh air, but it seemed like she couldn’t free her throat from the knot that was inside it. She was so tired, so damn tired of not being able to do anything. That situation was killing her. She closed her eyes, so hard, but into the dark, she still kept seeing that moment. Repeated and repeated for the rest of her life. Her own voice echoed throught the walls of her brain, cracked like a broken record.  

He’s coming back, right? He’s coming back, right?

<< Y/N? >> Drax called. << Are you okay? >> He asked. She opened her eyes and turned around to look at him. She nodded. << I don’t think so. You are very pale. Maybe you have a flu or something. >>

She shaked her head.

<< Don’t worry, I’m just tired. >>

I’m so tired, so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired, so tired.

<< Well, if it’s about women things, you should talk to Gamora. Maybe she can help you. >>

Gamora.

Where’s Peter? Where’s Peter, Rocket?

<< Yeah, thanks. >> she replied, then went back to her room.

She took a deep breath, sitting on the edge of the bed. Those words came to her again, dancing from one ear to the other. He had said them at Yondu’s funeral and then, he had glanced at her. His gaze was full of pain, his eyes were glossy, even if he hadn’t shed a tear. He was so strong, all alone, so strong, in front of his father’s corpse, that made her suffer. She hadn’t been as fierce as him when her parents died. She felt all of his torment and her own too and carried it on her back. And she buried all the tears, all the vomit, all the words she wanted to spoke, so they could hurt her and not him. But in that moment, that tiny moment in which he looked at her, she wondered if he knew. If he had been known for a long time and was silently asking for her response. But she couldn’t say it, so he went away at the end of the funeral and burned down all of her feelings along with Yondu’s body.

Sometimes that thing you’re searching for your whole life is right there by your side all along. And you don’t even know it.

She changed her clothes, then sat on the ground, in front of her bed, her hands holding her knees tight. Everytime she looked at him, it made her week in the knees, so now she was just looking for a way to keep herself together, because she didn’t want all the pieces to fall apart again.

Someone knocked at her already opened door.

<< Hey. >>

She drawed a smile on her face, just to be nice.

<< Hi. >>

<< Are you alright? >> Gamora asked. << Drax said that I had to come over and check on you. >>

She shrugged, thinking of sweet he was with her, like that day.

Rocket, where’s Quill? Rocket? Rocket, where’s Quill?

<< I’m just tired. >>
<< Yeah, you have been repeating this sentence for a while, now. >> Gamora replied, then she sat next to her. She swallowed, holding tighter her knees, so much her knuckles became white. Gamora noticed it, but didn’t comment. << He’s not alone out there, you know it. He’s gonna come back. He always does. >>

<< Last time you were afraid he wouldn’t. >> she affirmed, like it was an accusation.

Gamora didn’t fight back, she just let it go.

<< But he returned, at the end. >>

<< There will be a time he won’t. >> she said.

<< You just have to hope it will be far away from now, I guess. >>

She stood up, rolling her eyes.

<< Look, what are you doing here? Are you trying to help me? I don’t need help, I’m fine. >>

<< You’re falling apart, you’re not fine at all, Y/N! >> Gamora said, standing in front of her.  

<< I will be. I have to. I will be fine, when he’ll come back, so he won’t need to worry about me, since he already had to mourn the death of his father. >>

<< You’re not protecting him by feeling this bad. He will notice it, he always does and he will ask you questions, he will try to make you feel better… >> Gamora was talking, but she interrupted her.

<< Why are you saying this? How do you know he will? >>

<< Because that’s what he always does! Because he has a warm heart and he doesn’t deserve this treatment! If you’re his friend, you have to tell him what’s wrong. >>

<< No. >>

<< Why? >>

<< Because he would feel responsible for that! >> she shouted. Gamora kept quiet. << Because… Because he would apologize for making me so concerned and he would hug me and he would say that he won’t be so reckless again and I would burst into tears, because he would be so kind to me and I can’t stand it anymore! >> her voice cracked, her eyes were burning again.

Gamora stared at her and figured it out, eventually.

<< You’re in love with him, aren’t you? >> she asked, in a whisper. Something in her stomach flickered at those words. << That’s why you were so afraid of losing him, why you didn’t tell him anything after the funeral… He was a wreck, you know that? >> she asked, beginning to feel angry. She took a step back, nodding, trying to explain, but Gamora was getting furious. << He wondered where you were, he needed you. It was the moment he needed you the most and you hid, because you were so much afraid of talking to him! And even if he was so desperate, so hurt and in so much soreness, he kept asking me if you were okay. >>

Warm – hearted. That’s how she would have described him with one word. A warm heart and a beautiful brain.

<< I know. >> she said with low voice. << I’m sorry. >>

<< You’re his family, now. You have duties towards him. You were supposed to take care of him. >> Gamora said, pointing a finger aginst her. She bit her bottom lip, so hard a drop of blood stained her bloodless lip. << Now, I don’t care what you feel, I just want you to go to him when he comes back – because he will come back – and fucking hug him, even if he won’t accept it. You understand? >>

She wiped her tears, nodding.

<< Yes. >>

<< Good. >> Gamora said, then she went out from the room.

<< Thank you. >>

She shrugged.

<< Yeah, you know, that’s what family’s for. >>

                                                               ***

She heard him even though he was just arriving, because he was singing some old song he was listening to. It was something that always made her smile, no matter what she was going through. She had changed clothes again and washed her face. She went out from her room and looked at her family. Rocket – who had been on mission with him - was already arguing with Peter, while Drax was laughing and Gamora was trying to stop them.

<< You have a horrible voice, can you just shut up already? >> Rocket said.

<< No, because my existence on this ship is supposed to annoy you forever and ever. >> Peter replied.

She chuckled, hiding her laugh with a hand on her mouth, but Peter seemed to hear it anyway, because he instantly looked at her. She blushed a bit, when he did. His eyes were always so blue and so bright, so full of life, they made her feel uncomfortable but in a good way, it was hard to explain even to herself.

Gamora noticed this detail, so she grabbed Drax’s arm and said something about Groot, so they could leave them alone.

<< Rocket, could you please go fix some broken thing? I need to talk to Y/N. >> Peter said.

<< You’re very arrogant, you know it? >>

<< I don’t just know, but I train everyday to be more of that. >> Peter answered.

Rocket seemed really angry about those words, but let it go when he looked at her face for some reason, so he went away.

<< Hi. >> she said, rolling down her sleeves up to her fingers, nervous, but also calm like the ocean during a sun day, because he made her feel like everything was fine again.

<< Hi. >> he repeated, with a really soft smile, it made her heart fall into her stomach for the sweetness.

<< Peter, look, there’s something I have to say to you. >> she began.

<< No, listen, I… >>

<< I should have been there for you at Yondu’s funeral! >> she yelled, in order to talk before him. He kept quiet. << I’m sorry. >> she went on, closing her eyes. << I wanted to sat down with you, to talk to you about your childhood, to listen to you, to hug you, to fall asleep next to you, to not leave you alone for the next two days, but I just… couldn’t. >>

Peter’s lips slowly separated from each other, almost in disbelief. What she has said made him thinking all the time he had lost with her and he didn’t even knew the reason why.

<< You don’t have to apologize to me. I don’t want you to. >>

<< Yeah, I have or Gamora will kick my ass. >> she laughed and Peter smiled.

<< The others were there for me, even if I didn’t need them, you know, I’m a grown up man. >>

<< You’re a giant, kind, five – year – old, Peter, that’s different. >>

He smirked.

<< You like that. >>

<< Yeah, I do, most of the time, but that’s not the point. Even adults need a shoulder to cry on and we’re family, so feel free to cry on my shoulder whenever you want. I won’t run away again, I promise you. >>

He nodded, looking at his new kind of walkman in his hands. It looked so small between his fingers.

<< Thanks. I appreciate it. >> he said. She smiled with a corner of the mouth. << Now, can I know why you said that thing, when I came back on the ship, after Ego was defeated? >> he asked and it hit her in the stomach like a punch.

He’s coming back, right?

Her bottom lip trembled. Her own words came back to afflict her. She was on the verge of a panic attack, she was sure of it. There was a heavy bargain on her chest that cut her breath. She was paralyzed, but her left hand was shaking and Peter had noticed it.

<< Peter… >>

<< You’re gonna tell me. >>

<< I’m not… I can’t… >>

He squeezed her left hand. She looked at it and then she looked at him. His eyes were so blue, it reminded her of the space. Or the sea. On her planet, there was an ocean and her parents kept bringing her there, when she was little. That was her life before they died.

<< I thought you were just afraid of losing me and that’s fine, I mean, that’s totally understandable, but you said… >>

<< I’m tired of losing people. >> she threw out. << It just make you feel alone and sad, all the time and there’s this empty place in my heart where my parents where supposed to be, that’s killing me. And I don’t want to partecipate to another funeral, I don’t want to even thing of seeing you today and burn your body tomorrow, that would be not fair. >> she said. << I want to go to that place whenever I like, that place in my heart that belongs to you and find you alive. >>

Peter gulped.

<< I don’t know if I will come back everytime. >> he replied, in a husky voice that made her shiver.

<< I know. >> she replied, while her voice was about to crack.

<< But I swear to you - hey, look at me - >>, he said, raising her chin with a finger, so he could look in her eyes, << I swear to you, that I will always try with everything I have to come back to you. >>

She closed her eyes, letting a sob escape for her throat. She was about to burst into tears.

He’s coming back, right?

<< I won’t let you go without a fight, okay? I want you to know that. >> she said.

<< I know, I know. >> he said, right before he could hug her tight, while her hands were desperately grabbing the fabric of his clothes where his shoulder blades were.

<< Where the hell is Peter? >> she screamed. Rocket didn’t answer, he just wanted to close the door of the ship, so they could go away. She went to him, upset and shaked him for his shoulders. She drowned in his eyes, so distant and full of sorrow. The awareness hit her in the stomach. << He’s coming back, right? >> she asked, with broken voice.

His gaze was an answer to her and it was the worst word he could ever paint for her.

No.

But then, right when her hopes were falling down, he came back on the ship. Her heart was once again full of joy and light. She closed her eyes, then she smiled so bright and almost laughed at the situation. It would have been nice, if it would have not been so bad. That was the moment in which she said that sentence, while he was looking at her, but she didn’t think he heard it, because her voice was just a mere whisper.

<< Thank gods, we have more time. >>