What Happens Next: A Gallimaufry

NHL Teams as Steven Universe Characters

Because I am exactly the sort of tragic dork who thinks about this shit and immediately goes in search of a hapless co-conspirator, I roped my friend Ben into helping me work out which NHL teams are best represented/personified by which Steven Universe characters. The resulting list is of probable interest to exactly no one other than us, but that’s never stopped me or tumblr before, so brace yourselves for our genius. (Or, alternatively, blame this whole thing on preseason madness and walk away with your dignity in tact.)

BEHOLD:

Anaheim Ducks – Jasper

·         Angry

·         Big

·         Likes to hit things

Arizona Coyotes – Buck

·         Trendy

·         Cool

·         Needs better defences

Boston Bruins – Marty  

·         Smug

·         Punchable

·         Not actually as awesome as they think

Buffalo Sabres – Ronaldo

·         Dedicated but kooky

·         Passionate

·         Full of bad decisions and conspiracy theories

Calgary Flames – Kiki

·         The introvert sibling

·         Trying their best

·         Easily flustered

Carolina Hurricanes – Connie

·         Vibrant

·         Not taken seriously

·         Working hard to improve

Chicago Blackhawks – Kevin

·         The worst

·         Literally the worst

·         I don’t need a third point

Colorado Avalanche – Amethyst

·         Rocky but fighty

·         Doing their best

·         Crippling self-doubt covered with attitude

Columbus Blue Jackets – Opal

·         Brilliant when on form

·         Falls apart easily

·         Made of angry composites

Dallas Stars – Peridot

·         Problematic fave on a journey of self-improvement

·         Misadventures on Twitter

·         Excited to do better

 

Detriot Red Wings – Eyeball

·         Angry

·         Bitter

·         Likes throwing things

Edmonton Oilers – Jenny

·         The extrovert sibling

·         Popular

·         Ditzy but deadpan

Florida Panthers – Lion

·         Quietly competent

·         Internal drama

·         Famous flow

LA Kings – Alexandrite

·         An unstable composite

·         Hits hard

·         Prone to internal snark

Las Vegas Golden Knights – Stevonnie

·         A brand new experiment

·         More powerful than expected

·         Heraldic imagery

Minnesota Wild – Sadie

·         Underappreciated

·         Practical

·         Prone to stage fright

Montreal Canadiens – Pearl

·         Obsessed with history

·         Trailblazing keeper of heritage

·         Loving them means wanting to strangle them sometimes

Nashville Predators – Steven

·         Made for defence

·         Full of music

·         Loves big cat(fish)

New Jersey Devils – Mr Smiley

·         Full of suppressed rage

·         Running a business

·         Terrifyingly manic

New York Islanders – Fryman

·         Awkwardly confident

·         Frequently embarrassing

·         Proud

New York Rangers – Mayor Dewey

·         Think they run the joint

·         Don’t actually run the joint

·         Annoying but still sort of goofily loveable

Ottawa Senators – Kofi

·         Sick of this nonsense

·         Cunning

·         Unimpressed with the competition

Philadelphia Flyers – Ruby

·         Smol, red, fighty

·         Prone to mischief

·         Requires adult supervision

Pittsburgh Penguins – Yellow Diamond

·         Immensely powerful

·         Feared, beloved and loathed in equal measure

·         The one to beat

San Jose Sharks – Greg

·         Beach vibes

·         Hella old-school flow

·         Listens to metal to calm down

St Louis Blues – Petey

·         Overworked

·         Tired

·         Really wants a break

Tampa Bay Lightning – Sapphire

·         Underrated

·         Plans well ahead

·         Good teamwork

Toronto Maple Leafs – Lapis Lazuli

·         Spent long years trapped without hope

·         Newly freed

·         Meep-morps

Vancouver Canucks – Lars

·         Too cool to care

·         Deeply insecure

·         Craves legitimacy

Washington Capitals – Garnet

·         Founded on a stable partnership

·         With great respectability comes even greater shenanigans

·         Powerful – this machine never breaks

Winnipeg Jets – Sour Cream

·         A background regular

·         Sullen and a little confused

·         JUST LET HIM BE A DJ

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