— Meg Murray and Papa Murray. Is it weird that I’m...

Something’s bugging me that I really need to get off my chest. It’s one thing when Chris looks good working the red carpet in a tuxedo or dressed to the nines in a fragrance ad, but when the man looks hot AND has the nerve to be nonchalant at the same time, it’s just too much. Here are a few examples.

1. Scholastic Hotchalance

You consider yourself a relatively intelligent human being, until this type of hotchalance sashays into the only class for the quarter that you have scheduled on a Friday that you planned to blow off at least every other week. Then you think, man, this guy really looks like Chris Pine, but it can’t be him because there’s no way he’d be teaching your philosophy course. And at the end of the class when he asks if there are questions, even though you don’t have one, you raise your hand anyway just to establish eye contact, only to ask something asinine like, “Will there be any extra credit?” And wouldn’t you know it, at the end of the quarter you find out it was Chris and he was doing research for his next role. Ugh … sneaky rapscallion!

2. Hotchalance Squared

As if hotchalance isn’t bad enough flying solo, this guy has the nerve to show up with his buddy, who, oh by the way, is hot as well! (Funny how they always “forget” to fasten those last two buttons.) Who do they think they are? And if doubling down on the hotchalance isn’t cheeky enough, they add sunglasses to the mix. So if, by chance, they look in your direction, you’re not really sure if they’re looking at you, or over your shoulder, or just above your head, and you can’t even determine if waving hello would make you look like a complete idiot. Good Lord, maybe the wind caught your hair and it’s doing that weird thing where you look like a cockatoo displaying its crest, which would explain why Hotchalance Squared is looking in your direction in the first place. Pft!

3. Incognito Hotchalance

The worst of the worst. Try as he might to throw you off the scent of his hotness by cloaking himself in complete douchebagery, he ultimately fails because you know under that thin layer of superficial slime, it’s still CHRIS … FREAKIN’ … PINE! Those eyes, those lips, that pout, that wink—sigh. I know at first blush I should be disgusted by this character, but somehow that message gets scrambled and rearranged in the time it takes to travel from my eyeballs to my brain. I beg of you, please stop sending mixed signals. Now’s the time for those sunglasses, buddy boy.

4. I Exist Hotchalance

Oh come on! He’s literally just standing there simply breathing, yet somehow able to up the ante on Derek Zoolander’s Blue Steel without even trying. You know, Mr. Pine, if you’re going to reduce me to becoming a babbling nitwit, I’d like to know you’ve at least put some effort into your diabolical scheme.