12x03 “The Foundry”
“I have to go. I’m sorry. I just need a little time.”

Without a doubt this moment was one of the toughest ones to watch in a long long time. And while it was painful for both brothers, I have to focus on Dean here, because his reaction, how he is backing away from her touch, it’s just… the word “heartbreaking” - especially as this episode centered around people’s hearts getting frozen and that being their cause of death - doesn’t even begin to cover it. Just imagine this for a second and put yourself in Dean’s shows and what his biggest fears were since they got their mom back: Losing her again. And he expressed multiple times that he was afraid to push her, to “overwhelm” her. And now here he is. And he has to watch his mother leave, because she misses the boys him and his brother used to be. I can’t even fathom how much Dean must hurt right now, but him backing away from her touch speaks volumes. When she hugged him in the first episode he stod frozen in place, unable to process it, unable to believe it is real, that they got her back. So he can’t take that closeness in that moment, can’t be hugged, because then he’d miss it, miss her even more afterwards. Most of all though, we know how Dean is. We know he’ll blame himself. We know he’ll probably think it’s his fault. That he will think that he drove her away, because he tried so hard to ignore that feeling of something not being quite alright because he just wanted so badly for all of them to be okay and happy and by trying and “pretending” it was failed her. So I just look at Dean’s eyes. Vacant and sad at the same time, he’s the tin man yet again and like so often before I’m sure Dean can’t shake the thought that “everybody he leaves him”. First Sam went to Stanford, then his dad just took off and even Cas ran from him in purgatory (to keep him safe of course, but we know how Dean remembered their escape after all and how guilt he felt) and now they got their mom back, but she too is leaving him again - he is just not worth sticking around for. And I’m sorry, but I’m angry even though I get Mary’s feelings and choice, but wow is it ever painful when knowing how Dean will likely take her leaving. ;_____________;

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