My “coming out” post about my mental illness

I am writing this with much reluctance since I’ve only hinted at my life with mental illnesses in shared posts and quotes etc. Until right now I’ve never “come out” and declared my battle throughout my life fighting mental illnesses. I’m sorry to those of you I may embarrass by sharing my story but it’s time…. It time for me to share my story, it’s time to let the world know, it’s time for me to fight the stigma I so hate but have felt my entire life.

As I’m sure many have deduced I fight with anxiety, but not just any anxiety. Crippling life stopping anxiety. I am diagnosed using the DSM-V as bipolar type 2, agoraphobic, and OCD (NO THIS IS NOT BECAUSE I LIKE THINGS NEAT FFS). My secondary diagnoses are social anxiety (yes even people who seem extroverted can have social anxiety) and a few others.

I was first in therapy at 11 years old and I was hospitalized in 1993 at the age of 13 for the first time. So yea this has been life long battle and years of different diagnoses, different programs, hospitals, shirks, therapists, medications, self medicating and on and on. I won’t bore you all with my life story but I will tell you my most recent experience (If anyone is so inclined I will happily share the whole story).

My most recent attempt at mental wellness started in 2014ish it was 2 years after my grandma died and those 2 years were my most sickest in my life. I was in a dark place, I wouldn’t leave the house and barely the bed, I let people take advantage of me and sadly in turn take advantage of my mother. I was legit crazy nuts, I’m talking down the rabbit hole with no light at the bottom. I was one of the people you see in movies all paranoid and such. You know the ones I’m talking about, the people you feel for but don’t think you know anyone that severe. Well guess what you do, at least one (if not more closet cases), you know me. I AM A ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE YOU KINDA FEEL FOR BUT MAKE UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN YOU SEE THEM IN ENTERTAINMENT OR IN YOUR DAILY LIFE. I just hide it by isolating and acting all extroverted and funny when I’m around people. But when I’m sick inside I’m dying, all I want to do is go home and my mind races with a million thoughts, one being “I want to go home” over and over” I’m more than happy to elaborate on how my mind works if you are interested. But for now I’ll stick to my work these last 3.5 years.

I was put into a “partial care program” also known as partial hospitalization by my family’s insistence. I was so sick I couldn’t even make the the phone call, my sister called for me, my mom took me to the intake and I started the program immediately due to my severe state at the time.

The program is intensive group therapy 6 hours a day 1-5 days a week depending on the client (yes we are called clients or consumers NOT patients, personally I think it’s silly but if makes other people feel better then why not, I’m fine with patient myself). There are 5-6 groups a day each a different “topic” for example meditation, relapse prevention, humor therapy, WRAP (wellness recovery action plan) and so on. There are also groups called units which is where you work in the kitchen, thrift store, clerical and newsletter. I tended to not do well in the units so stuck mainly to groups. I did this for 3 years and was released into just individual therapy in January but my therapist thinks I need to go back 1-2 days for more structure…

Let me say that instead of looking at this as a bad thing I have come so far in my recovery that I can see why and accept it. In the last 3.5 years I came from not leaving my house to having a part time job I love, friendships I can keep up with, and am able to recognize what I do need help-wise. Yes I live with my mom. It took until literally 2 months ago for me to accept that I am still unable to live alone successfully and that I need the help of my mom and step-dad. And you know what, it’s ok. To everyone who puts down people for living with their family realize there is usually a good reason.

No I don’t have a full time job, no I don’t have my own place, no Im not married, I don’t have kids but you know what I’m ok with that. I’m actually happier than I have been that I can remember. Recently I was at an event where someone made a comment about how “terrible” my life was being on disability and delivering pizzas and it bothered me at the time and still does but now it bothers me that there are people out there who judge others that way. My life isn’t terrible it’s wonderful. I have family and friends who love me and I’m working on myself… that’s not terrible, that’s life, it’s my life so now thinking back at that moment I wish I said fuck off to him, but alas my social anxiety caught in my brain and I don’t even remember my reply.

It’s because of this guy, some posts I see on FB putting down people who can’t work, and because it’s time I do my part to end the stigma of mental illness that I write this post.

So I beg of any of you still reading please before you judge someone or something you don’t understand ask about it. Research it. Find out reasons before you look down on anyone. They may be like me, severely mentally ill so much so that it has affected my ENTIRE life. Living with it is hard but it’s possible.

As a side note to this post I refer to the people that attend these programs and the mentally ill in general as the “Forgotten People” we do so much for homelessness, autism, cancer you name it we help but with mental illness we turn away because it makes “normal” people uncomfortable. I bet you that in 90% of people’s neighborhoods there is a group home that you don’t even know about housing the mentally ill not lucky enough to have family support. There are tons of programs in every county like mine… We are all around you, you just don’t realize it. We may be bat shit crazy but we are humans and awesome ones at that!

If you’re still reading thank you, if you have questions please ask, if you want resources tell me I’ll help, please just don’t forget about me because I don’t go to every event or because I’m not “normal”