Can’t Do This Anymore

Warnings: smut? idk if you can really call it that

A/N: you’d think for someone who reads so much smut I’d be able to write two lines of a somewhat sexy scene but apparently not so sorry guys 

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The light from the TV casting blue hues around the living room was the only light in the house currently on. I lay curled in a ball on the sofa with my throat sore and eyes tired from all the crying I’d been doing. A light ding rang from my phone breaking the silence and I raised my head to see what had interrupted my sniffles. The sight of a twitter notification rather than the message I so desperately wanted to see caused the tears to fall once again. Why couldn’t he just answer my messages? The thoughts only made me cry harder. Everything had been going so perfectly and then all of a sudden it wasn’t. What the hell is wrong with me? I couldn’t help but play the events of the night over and over and over again.

Our lips were locked in a heated kiss, Shawn’s fingers digging into my waist as I tugged on his hair and ground my hips into him. The crappy TV show we’d been watching was completely forgotten and all I could focus on was the sting of Shawn’s teeth sinking into my bottom lip. Even after two years of dating he still managed to leave me absolutely breathless. Wet, open-mouthed kisses were left on my neck causing my head to fall back to give him better access. A gasp left my lips as he began to suck gently on the skin of my neck and my hips moved harder to get the friction I craved.

“God I love you” I panted as my hand found its way under the elastic of his sweatpants and began to palm him over his boxers, a throaty groan leaving his lips.

“Marry me” he panted against my neck causing me to freeze. I must have heard him wrong there’s no way he could’ve asked that.

“Marry me,” he said again more seriously, pulling away from my neck to look me in the eyes. The delight and excitement visible in his expression slowly faded as he realised I still had yet to answer. I moved off of his lap to try and get some space to think but all that did was make the situation worse.

“Why would you ask me that?” I whispered my hands in my hair as I paced back and forth. It’s not that I didn’t want to marry Shawn or that I didn’t love him, of course, I did. I just couldn’t handle that kind of commitment especially not at 19; I still had a degree to finish and a life to build for myself.

“What do you mean? Why shouldn’t I ask you that; we’ve been together long enough,” he exclaimed standing from the sofa but still keeping his distance from me. He was clearly getting upset by my response and I hated that I was the reason he was in pain.

“Y/N I love you and I don’t ever want to be without you. Please marry me,” he begged, crossing the room to take my hands in his. Looking into his pleading eyes I almost caved right then, especially considering I would love to be married to him. I just couldn’t be married to him at this point in my life.

“Shawn I’m so sorry,” I whispered. Tears immediately started to fall seeing the hurt look in his eyes and the fact that he couldn’t bear to look at me.

“I’m sorry, I- uh- need to go,”

‘No Shawn, please! You have to let me explain,” I pleaded as I watched him grab his jacket and look around for his wallet. I went to grab for his hand but he just moved away and headed for the door.

I cried harder at the memory and checked my phone again to see if there were any messages from him. At this point, he didn’t even need to respond to what I was actually saying he just needed to say something so I knew he was still alive.

The sound of the front door closing softly had me sitting bolt upright as Shawn entered the living room where I was dishevelled and tear stained. He didn’t look much better; his eyes were slightly red and his hair was a mess from where he’d obviously been running his hands from it. It almost made me smile to think that earlier it had been my hands tangled in his hair and then everything had changed so quickly.

“Can I please explain now?” I asked, my voice weak and scratchy from the crying.

“I don’t know what there is to explain. You won’t marry me It’s as simple as that,”

“Shawn, please. I’m 19 this is not the right time for this”

“So?” he exclaimed. “I’m 20, I’m just as young. The difference is I love you enough and know I want to be committed to you and only you for the rest of my life. You clearly don’t feel the same way and there’s nothing more to say.”

“That’s not fair! Yes, you’re just as young as me but it’s different. Your life is sorted it’s figured out, you’ve found your place. I haven’t even started my career yet and I’ve had no opportunities to do my thing yet,” I exclaimed.

“Being married wouldn’t stop you from doing that!”

“Yes, it would! What happens if I get an amazing opportunity and have to move? Your career is a major part in a relationship and I wouldn’t change that, I’m so proud of everything you do but at some point, I’m going to have to launch my career and I can’t always put yours first. I can’t always be at your shows or drop everything to visit you or be here waiting for you? We have no clue how we’ll handle that and we’re not ready to get married,” I explained. Shawn let out a huge sigh as he dropped onto the sofa, his hands running over his face.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” he whispered causing me to freeze in surprise. I knew saying no to his proposal would change things but I didn’t think he’d actually break up with me. I was so sure once he heard my reasoning and we’d talked through it that he’d understand I wasn’t saying no I was just saying no for now.

“I don’t think we should drag this out any longer than we have to,” he continued. I tried to protest but it was hard to form words. I could never have predicted this happening tonight or any night for that matter.

“Shawn, we can still get married in the future when things are more settled please don’t do this,” I begged.

“No Y/N. I don’t want to wait, I want to get married now and call you my wife now. Clearly, we’re not in the same place in this relationship and I can’t wait around for you to decide you want me.”

Despite my begging and reassurances that I did, in fact, want him and love him, Shawn made his way to the bedroom and began to pack his bag. Not being able to bear it, I hugged my knees to my chest and stared blankly at the TV screen until long after I’d heard the door shut behind him.