Given, not Withheld

Every Sunday night, my brother, my mother, and I share how our weeks have been with each other.

Tonight, things were pretty depressing. I’ve been struggling in every area of my life—building Good Fruit, making music, finding a job, paying my bills, having intimacy with God, maintaining physical health—and my brother’s been in a very similar spot. On top of that, my mom’s boss’ wife passed away on Thursday from cancer. She went to the funeral today.

But my mom wasn’t really unsettled by any of it. Of course she was touched by the funeral, grieved at her boss’ loss, worried about my brother’s and my lifestyles—but she didn’t panic or anything. She just said, “Be grateful for what God has given you instead of focusing on what he hasn’t.”

And I’ve heard that before. I’ve said the exact same phrase to tons of people. But it just meant something else tonight, especially from her.

For the past several months, I’ve been almost exclusively focused on myself: my bills, my unemployment, my career, my dreams. And not only that—all of these things hinge on something I don’t have. I don’t have enough money to pay my bills. I don’t have any offers to bring me out of unemployment. I don’t have the career I want. I don’t have even a portion of my dream in reality.

But God has given me so much. He’s given me a family that cares deeply for me and prioritizes me when I don’t prioritize them. He’s given me the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in—a relationship that always breathes life into me when I’m the most drained, discouraged, and depressed. He’s given me a healthy and able body, even after a serious wreck and several bouts of bronchitis. He’s given me a church community that cares for me and accepts me unlike any other group of people I’ve ever met.

And more than anything, he’s given his own son to make me his own. Paul calls the gift of God’s own son the greatest gift he could possibly give—if God didn’t even spare his own son, he’ll surely give us everything. God literally paid the highest price he could’ve possibly paid for my soul.

Yet I’m here unable to think about anything except money. Whenever my mind gets the free time to wander, it always wanders to my job hunt, freelance jobs, and any other way I can make enough money to survive. But Jesus reminds me, “Do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.“

So I guess the battle for gratitude, faith, and the kingdom begins here?

Six Months after Quitting My Job

It’s been six months since I quit my job. The transition was pretty smooth—I found a part-time job to cover my expenses, and I was able to start spending most of my time doing what I love almost instantly.

But the day after Christmas, I found out my employer was running out of money and had to let me go. Everything ended on good terms, but I’m back at square one. The night I found out, I applied to 25 jobs. If I want to continue living the lifestyle I’ve been living, I have to get a job before February.

And honestly, it’s been very difficult. I haven’t found any openings that pay enough to cover my expenses, and there seems to be fewer listings than back in July. So I’ve been reevaluating my decision to invest so much time and effort into building Good Fruit.

I’m literally giving up my career for the next few years for this label. Instead of getting a stable full-time job in a larger business where I can learn and build my career, I’m looking strictly for part-time jobs (and internships) where 90% of the employers are expecting me to be the expert rather than being the expert that teaches me about the trade.

I’ve also given up insurance benefits, a living wage, and any potential of me being a part of any other organization meaningfully. I’ve been having issues with my teeth lately, and the fact that I can’t visit an endodontist because just the evaluation alone is too expensive is making me ask myself whether this “dream” is worth my physical health.

Instead of serving those around me with what I have, I’ve had to repeatedly receive and ask for help from those around me because I don’t have enough money. I just got back from a retreat that I literally needed to go on for the free meals. Money, unfortunate as it is, is the biggest concern of my life right now, and helping build this record label is the primary reason why I’m struggling to make ends meet.

Plus, a handful of other organizations have asked me to help them as a marketer. They’re all interesting brands, causes I’m passionate about, and more promising revenue streams, but I don’t have time. I can’t help these brands like they’d like me to because 20 hours of my week are devoted to Good Fruit, and another 20 to the part-time job I’m looking for right now.

So I’ve started considering other options. Maybe I should step down, get a full-time job, and live comfortably. Finally be able to go out and eat meals with people, let alone treating anyone out. Finally have some kind of insurance provider to answer when clinics ask for my coverage. Finally buy gifts for the people I love. Finally give to my neighbors and those in need.

Or maybe go back to school and get a technical skill I can use to fund everything else in my life. Or abandon everything and move abroad for missions. Or move back home and take a gap year. I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what to do with my life anymore. And it’s all because of money.

WHICH ASIAN RAPPERS SHOULD I LISTEN TO? I made this infographic for anyone who's unfamiliar with Asian American talent in hip hop. ENJOY! More of my work: edwardsunATL.com @nakhiphop @samuelock @ampmovement @jasonchumusic (I don't think any of the other rappers have Tumblrs...)

1 Peter 2:10-12