How useful is it to compare my current feelings, peaks and valleys, to those I've experienced in the past? I've noticed when I find myself in the throes of depression I compare it to a time when I was depressed under similar circumstances and try to think of how I got out of that funk, only it makes me very anxious because I'm aware not everything happens the same way and then I become scared I'll stay in the valley forever.

good Sunday, dearest reader. thank you for asking this question about comparing cycles of depression.

the short answer is: it’s not helpful. don’t do it.

beyond an exercise in comparing thing A to thing B, as though for scientific categorization, comparisons are wasted energy, of which we’re already in short supply during depression.

depression wants to be seen and acknowledged. it wants to be felt. anxiety is a signal that warrants paying attention to, too. ignoring it, turning our back on it, pretending it’s not real or not bothering us as much as it does are all methods of looking outside the self when we’re depressed.

i know we all experience our illnesses differently. for me, i cycle through a percentage of depressive symptoms constantly: if, for example, there are 12 total symptoms for my experience with depression, i find myself usually expressing 4, 5 or 6 at a time, but not always the same ones, they change. my symptoms aren’t always the same, but i notice some are always with me, lingering. maybe this is true for you, too.

some depressions, i have most difficulty showering, but i’m social and can work. others it’s difficulty eating and socializing, but i am mostly able to function. others make getting out of bed the greatest challenge, so i can’t do much, but maybe showering or having small snacks is tolerable.

it’s frustrating sometimes because i have no idea what to expect or when, sometimes it hits like a bag of bricks. but getting mad at myself is also a waste of energy, i know this, too.

i suppose predictable depression or mental illness would be too easy. like asking each individual blade of grass to grow and look the same, or each individual tree of a family type. seasons cycle consistently, yearly, and yet, each year is different from the year before. every experience is different and offers something new to learn from, to grow, to release.

have you heard the “we’ll see” Chinese proverb? there are a few variations. below is similar to a version i’ve heard before:

There was an old with a small farm in China many years ago. He had one son, who did most of the work on the farm and a a neighbor, himself old with a son.

freeing our perspective allows us to live presently, which is of the utmost importance while we’re experiencing the valleys of depression.

if we’re aware our current depression may present itself differently than in the past, then we aren’t limiting ourselves to feelings, expectations or memories that need to be expressed.

consider energy is made of waves. energy, waves, life are full of opposites and transitional phases: troughs, crests, the fluctuating ride in between. as you know, sometimes we ride the crest of the wave and sometimes we’re in the trough. after the trough always comes another crest, and so on. things are constantly in motion.

energy is expressed through a medium, like an object or a body. consider the density of the medium. depression is the force, the experience, the energy. you are the medium, a body made of energy. flexible, elastic medium offers less resistance against force. consider ocean waves as they crash against sand dunes compared to rocky piers and cliff walls.

it’s important to feel our depressions, the troughs, as fully and deeply as we are able, so the time comes to ride the crest—if we’re patient, flexible and open to endure changes—we can feel the magnitude, the opus of joy that follows and fills.

this is the bittersweet, operatic gift depression gives us.

aim to be depressed without expectations. sit with it. take care of yourself the best way you know how.

when it’s time to let depression go, say goodbye and show it the way out. experience the valleys and peaks while they last, know they have purpose, and will pass.

with love, dear reader. be kind to yourself.

Ask Mama Tompkins

I've cheated in the past, and instead of considering open relationships, I usually just break up, often without saying why. Open relationships seem tricky to navigate without good role models, and I fear my partner might be up to things behind my back. How can I feel comfortable taking steps into unknown territory and have conversations about maintaining trust in an open relationship, or how can I become better at maintaining loyalty to my partner in crime without feeling trapped or bored?

hello dear reader, i hope you are ok with the summarization of this question since it was too long for the ask box. my goal was to maintain the integrity of the original question, which i’m translating now here:

1. how do we feel comfortable taking steps into the unknown? and 2. how do i heal to regain trust in myself and others?

(dear other readers, if your question is also too long, feel free to email me at kelli.tompkins@gmail.com with the subject line: Ask Mama Tompkins)

thank you for bringing me this question. life is so tricky to navigate, am i right? and relationships (especially for me) can be so tough sometimes. we try our best, though. life is full of ups, downs, cycles, unknowns.

last night i watched a mushi-shi (s2) episode “fragrant darkness,” the main character finds himself walking through the woods on his way home when he enters a tunnel that smells of sweet flowers. the next thing he knows, he’s reliving his entire life up until the moment he enters the tunnel. every time he chooses to enter the tunnel, he repeats his life over and over, never able to get home to see his wife and family again. the episode is sad and i won’t tell you how it ends in case you want to watch it, but to break the cycle, the character has to choose not to enter the tunnel. he has to choose to walk away, and never enter it again to return back home.

repeating the same pattern over and over either means we’re “insane” (says the old adage that i don’t appreciate as a self-identified and doctor-diagnosed “crazy” ol’ grandma who’s trying her best), or we’re practicing for something.

i respect and appreciate repetition as practice for something. if so, for what are you practicing?

you know the present pattern isn’t working, and i wonder how much change you’ve afforded yourself in each successive situation? do you do something different each time? maybe the terms and conditions need to change. have you yet establish terms and conditions for yourself and your needs? if not, you need to.

if we know ourselves and our needs, we have the power to mold and manipulate all our relationships into new forms that fit outside conventional standards. it can be tricky thinking outside of the box when we’re brought up in places or ways that expect certain roles and relationships. the only way to know yourself is to go inward.

1. my recommendation is to embrace the adventure. we must seek out discomfort. trying new things means being uncomfortable.

spend time alone, define your boundaries, learn how to communicate those boundaries and then practice them via dating or new friendships.

i don’t think this experience should make you feel comfortable, necessarily. it’s new and unknown! it’s like a big life forest you get to dive into! you should be a -little- scared to try new things, that what makes life fun. do something different. do the things that make you feel the least comfortable. have fun with it.

does it mean being alone for a year without sex, treating yourself to sex toys with the money saved that you normally spend on broke-ass sex partners? does it mean being disciplined in blocking exes? or does it mean being completely monogamous with the next or current person for 6 months? one year?

whatever you try might not work, but that’s okay. failing is important. the more you fail the more you know yourself and what you need. every relationship should be a learning experience. does this mean for you, no back sliding—period? cut off all contact?

what needs to change?

what if you make a list of every possible thing you could try differently, and then slowly cross them off, trying one thing at a time? you know what you have tried and so, literally, you can do -anything- else. don’t repeat things that aren’t working for your highest vibrating self.

don’t practice cheating because this is unkind behavior that makes you feel guilty and not good. i personally have been very harmed and affected by people cheating (even in relationships that were “open,” so i know i have the propensity for bias here) but just because i personally have not had success with open relationships, doesn’t mean they’re impossible. i know there are many folks out there with long-term, successful open relationships. maybe it depends on the individuals, where each person lives, what their needs are sexually, emotionally, and so on.

it’s worth mentioning that some people have monogamous relationships, cheat regularly, and don’t feel guilty about it. i’m not one of those people and i don’t recommend this behavior to any of my friends or associates. but i try to not judge people for living their lives. it takes two people to cheat, at least, and we only live once, and i get that every situation is different. i just don’t recommend it because of how sensitive i am and how badly it hurt me.

i know i like monogamy (at this time in my life), i like feeling secure, i like feeling supported, my partner acknowledges my insecurities and past experiences, and helps me to not feel jealous or insecure when those feelings crop up.

i have nothing against open relationships and know from looking around twitter, tumblr, etc, some do work.

i don’t have specific role models to mention, but it’s worth looking around until you can find a couple whose relationship you admire. be aware that role models are often not what they appear, sometimes fleeting in nature, and i recommend seeking out your own internal guidance before following someone else’s example. always trust your gut.

whoever you date, in an open or monogamous relationship, you should never feel trapped or insecure (i can understand feeling bored here and there). if you’re open about your feelings with the person you’re dating, it’s possible you can work through this stuff together. that means the person you’re dating needs to be committed to not making you feel certain ways, because trauma from past relationships can trigger old behaviors. but it’s up to you to talk about things when you’re feeling uncomfortable and it’s up to you to know yourself: you just gotta bite the bullet and share your feelings, as awkward and horrible as it feels sometimes. does it help if you write a letter first, or bullet points? maybe you’d rather chat or text than talk in person? whatever helps, try something new each time, see what works.

2. to exist in discomfort, you have to face yourself and go inward. whenever you feel anxious, trapped or bored, investigate why. don’t ignore the feeling. face it. challenge it. the minute you feel the need to seek outside yourself, either with people or internet or drugs, you have to go inward and face yourself. express your feelings, cry if you need to. face your fears.

this is of the utmost importance. what are you running away from? what do you have to gain or lose by repeating the same injurious behaviors? if you have insecurities about yourself, write them down and challenge each one individually as a mental exercise.

you have to heal yourself first to know how it feels to be happy, healthy, peaceful and quiet when you are alone (most of the time, not just some of the times). if you know how to recognize feeling happy, healthy, peaceful and quiet when you are alone, you will recognize the same feelings in a relationship (happy, secure, peaceful).

i’ve heard (and personally can vouch for feeling this way) that when you meet the “right” person, you shouldn’t feel butterflies because they’re a symptom of anxiety. you should feel calm and peaceful in true, stable, healthy love.

it’s also worth mentioning that sometimes we’re expected to be in a relationship because that’s what we’re taught, but relationships aren’t for everyone. i personally come from a long line of single women in my family: many independent, happy, healthy women who live long years alone, with friends and family, but no marriage or partners. that’s wonderful, too. they’ve been really important role models for me personally.

once you show the universe you’re committed to trying to change and doing better, she responds in kind. when you actively work to raise your vibration, you raise all the vibrations around you. what’s above is below. trust yourself and spend time alone in nature to remember how peace and love feels. don’t run away: face yourself.

good luck, reader, and remember to try literally anything but what you’ve tried before.

Ask Mama Tompkins

How do I add more poetry to my life? Where do I start?

this is an excellent first question—thank you for submitting it!—and it feels like it requires a two-part answer: 1. how to be open and receive more moments of poetry, lust, awe, panic or confusion into our lives; 2. how to acquire literature that makes us feel these things without having to go through too much crap (let’s be honest)? it’s not really possible. you have to read everything and find what you like. for the tl;dr:

1. to prepare one’s life to receive more poetry, i think an important place to start is here: expect nothing. this recommendation bears repeating: have zero expectations. reject anything you’ve read about poetry before, including what you’re about to read now. poetry requires an open mind and an open heart, similar to tao, or trying new kinds of snacks. an open heart-mindset will benefit you in many life tasks. clear your mind of expectations, judgments or preconceptions. imagine a blank slate, whatever that means to you: blank paper, black canvas, clay blocks, unbleached fibers, a naked body, clear garden plots.

the next step is to slow down and find what moves you. is it flooding rain storms after weeks of drought in the desert? the way light fills a room through window curtains in the early mornings? meeting friends for lunch in a city that never sleeps? is it death? the sound of babies laughing? there’s no wrong answer except any answer that isn’t yours and doesn’t ring true for you in your guts. don’t put words to it, just think about it. let fresh air brush against your skin and smell new flowers as early as you are able in the mornings. let the scents settle in your memory. let them live and let them die.

i think if someone isn’t used to meditation or paying attention, this part can feel a little painful to get started. accessing the zen of poetry, like meditation, is an exercise—with practice, it gets easier, and the initial stretch of time is always the worst.

however, if we are able slow to a turtle’s pace and muck through the mud with the endurance of an elk, poetry blesses us with the power to recognize the inherent worth in all things. by this, i don’t mean the economic value of one thing in relation to another thing. rather, all living and non living things deserve respect, want to be acknowledged and received. all our pain, our memories, our daily synchronicities seek to be seen. part of poetry’s power lies in providing us the ability to discern, accept and receive all these experiences.

how should we seek out that which can’t be seen? we turn inwards to face and embrace ourselves.

be patient with yourself and embrace saying yes to experiences completely. feel the full breadth of your aches and pains. be present with yourself as long as possible before indulging in whatever it is you choose to escape: internet, shopping, drugs, alcohol, pot, poetry. enjoy the fleeting nature of happiness, soak it in. feel the full expansion of the heart in the presence of love and joy by drinking a hot cup of tea, picnicking with friends in the park, or watching baby ducks swim in a pond.

poetry is indulgence in pain and surrender in ecstasy. let sunshine and moonlight cover you. find solace in your surroundings: new or familiar buildings in the neighborhood, plants fighting to survive, cracking paths through cement paths, through human paths, through forest paths. embrace the enormity of your feelings or obsessions. this is place you’ve lived in. this is the home you’ve survived through. this is the family you’ve cultivated. these are the plants you’ve grown. this is the mess you’ve made.

when you’re ready, write down everything you remember.

2. for some people, this can be the trickier part of the question. how do i find poets or books or collections that don’t make me want to vomit? how do i know what my taste in poetry even is?

for this part of the answer, i recommend starting out the same way: expect nothing. poetry, in writing or in motion, ranges everywhere from strict, syllabic, structured paragraphs, to outright complete rejection of sentence structure, coherence and language. it can be a bit overwhelming. if you’re able, read everything. go to the local book stores and peruse the poetry section, especially the local poetry section. search tumblr or instagram poetry tags and see if anything looks good.

if you’re into school and reading and literature and critical theory, suffer through the stuff you hate and try to decide why you don’t like it. your answers are legitimate, justified and real. feel free to research other opinions to open your perspective. seek out those whose theories differ from your own.

if you’re mainly interested in reading poetry for fun, relaxation, and play, which is as completely a legitimate and valid reason to be interested in poetry as it is for education, then i’d also recommend reading everything, but reject things that don’t jive with your better sensibilities. you have good taste and you know your taste. trust yourself. if you don’t want to finish reading a thing, stop. there’s too much to read and too little time to waste reading things that don’t make you feel good.

if you want recommendations, ask your friends. do you know people In The Know? do you know folks who like to read poetry (am i that folk? because that makes sense why you’re asking me this question. we’ll get there! be patient! i have a lot to say). your friends probably have pretty good taste considering they’re your friends, and naturally, this is a great place to seek out further options. basically every social media corner on the internet has some poetry geeks waiting to share their favs with you, promise!

once you find an author or poet you admire and appreciate, try to look for hints to poets *they* like and read. sometimes people have CVs, essays, blogs, or other published lists that somehow indicate who inspires them, who they’re currently reading. follow your favorite poets on twitter and goodreads to see who they quote and share with the world. find local magazines, blogs, zines, or other publishing venues that support local poets in your area. chances are, if you can find a literary zine you like, there might be multiple poets and authors in there you’d never heard of that blow your mind.

this part is probably all, “duh,” am i right? you may have come here seeking actual suggestions. in which case, good news: i have great suggestions. if you want my opinion, don’t read the old, English canon. don’t read a lot of the old, white guys people think you’re supposed to read. it’s a waste of time. contemporary and modern poets are where it’s at.

there’s so much good stuff out there, depending on what you’re interested in in general, it’s easy to search for people from your part of the world, or even somewhere you’ve never been before. don’t pigeon-hole yourself into a type or a preference.

look for women poets, trans poets, gay, lesbian, asexual, intersex, other queer, disabled or people of color: people whose work doesn’t always get as much notice as the mainstream, you know? look for authors whose work is sold in places other than barnes and noble or walmart (does walmart even sell poetry books?)

you never know what moves you until you try new experiences with an open heart and mind.

3. some of my favorites poets, to start: robert hass, mark strand, claudia rankine, warsan shire, eleni sikelianos, maggie nelson, agha shahid ali, ada limon, richard siken, saul williams, kathryn cowles, katherine coles, arthur sze, jean valentine, cole swenson, naomi shihab nye, denise levertov, james schuyler, marty mcconnell, li-young lee.

here is a fabulous and solid list of poets of color.

happy poeming!

Ask Mama Tompkins