Dear Anybody,

Somehow I think the world is trying to disappoint me, slowly but surely. I stay up at night wondering if I will ever fall into bed with a smile on my face or if I will always greet my pillow with tears. Let me know. -C

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I stared at the lit sky and blew air out of my mouth, “He’s a good person. So I feel bad when I talk about him the way I do, we both met at a time that wasn’t right. He was struggling and so was I, we weren’t supposed to be together. He has a lot of love to put into this world and another person. I know he’ll make someone happy, it just wasn’t me. But that’s okay, I’m happy now.” I smiled and leaned my head back onto the black leather seat. “Of course, I would never tell him all of that.”

One day you will fall in love with me the same way I fell in love with you, and it’ll be the best day of my life.

It would be a cruel, disappointing world if it gave me something as beautiful as you and then stole it back.

I miss you.

I listened to your favorite song today but we haven’t spoken in so long that I dont know if you even listen to it anymore. I was sad as I climbed in bed, thinking of you so I put on your hoodie I stole but it doesn’t smell like you anymore. I held the roses you gave me hoping something would send a wave of closure through my body but I couldn’t find it. The song made me angry your hoodie felt empty and the roses.. they were dull. Life is drained of color and I’m trying desperately to fill in the pages again but i dont know how to make green.

Back.

Let’s go back to when we walked on egg shells around each other’s feelings and asked every day if we were okay. Can we go back to when you called me every night to tell me about work even if nothing happened? Please let me go back to telling you all of my stories, it’s when I felt most whole. I miss the way we were and I’m terrified we will drift so far we cannot come back.

A year from now I’ll wake up in your bed, broke and tired. But i’ll smile cause i’m with you.

And then maybe you will understand.

You still wear those fucking ugly cargo shorts and think you’re the coolest thing that ever walked the fucking earth but you’re not and I hope one day a girl screams rape louder than I did and you find yourself locked up in a cell with men that are more of a man than you are and you will realize what vulnerability is.

“Meet me at the bottom of the stairs and we can talk.” I clicked my phone off and walked down the two flights of stairs to the main floor. I waited for ten minutes before I decided you weren’t coming. I went to walk back upstairs but there you were, with your new fixation. You had your arm around her hips and you were lifting her up. I stepped back, pressed my back into the wall and took a breath before tears started rolling down my rosy cheeks. I waited there in that position for what felt like forever. Courage finally filled me up and I bolted up the stairs, she was gone and you caught my arm “Are we gonna talk?” I built up all the strength I had in my body and I shook my head “I gave you your chance. I waited for you. I’m done waiting.” And I was.

purple. 2002.

You intertwined your fingers with mine, both our elbows were resting on the console in between us. Music was blaring through your car speakers and we were both sing-screaming into our hands like they were microphones. You stopped after ten seconds of straight yelling to laugh at me, “I’m so glad you’re as weird as I am” you pinched my face in between your fingertips and kissed me.

2016

“Oregon.” I said to him. “That’s where I want to be in two years.” I expected him to shake his head and argue that some other place was so much better but he didn’t. He nodded at me “I love Oregon.” My heart fluttered in my chest, crazy thoughts raced through my head, maybe we’d be there together one day. “Yeah. It’s beautiful.” I whispered back.

My Old Journal

When you left I fell into a downward spiral. My friends offered me drugs and alcohol to get rid of the constant pain and I was going to do it I swear but I didn’t smoke because you asked me not to and I wanted you to want me and no one like a girl whose kisses taste like smoke. I drank. And it burned my throat but it felt good compared to how I felt when you left.

Guilt.

I saw your for the first time in six months, guilt washed over my body. The last time I saw you, your fingertips were running down my bare hipbone and you were whispering I love you into my ear. I almost lost the most important person in my life just so I could have ‘one last time’ with you. My lips formed a straight line as you glanced up at me, I uttered a small ‘fuck you’ for my own satisfaction. Then, I left you at the bottom of the stairs with your fingertips on someone else’s hipbone.

Cold.

The leaves were falling off the trees and snow covered the ground. As I exhaled I could see my breath leave my body. “Whatever you want, it’s yours.” You said to me confidently, not even slightly concerned as to what I might ask for. I smiled and raised my eyebrows, mimicking your expression. “Your heart.” You rolled your eyes and shook your head as if this was the dumbest thing I could’ve asked for. “I’m being serious.” Your brown eyes bore into mine. “Me too.” You changed the subject immediately, ignoring my dead stare. You broke up with me shortly after, I guess I should’ve known, you’d already given your heart to someone else.

Burning the trace of your fingertips off my skin.

I turned the knob as far to the left as it would go. The scalding water burst through the spout and stung my skin. I laid back and let it engulf me. Tears ran down my cheeks as I replayed your messages in my head, the ones that were filled with broken promises.

If only i'd said yes.

"Let's drive to California." He looked at me, eyes hopefully and full of life. I laughed at him as my response, not knowing what else to say. He grabbed my hand and suddenly his face turned serious, "It'll be fun. You and me, road trip. Just for the summer and then we'll come back and you can finish school." I swallowed a hard lump in my throat and looked away from him, "I can't. I'm sorry." I stepped out of his little car and turned towards him with just enough time to see him drive off.

her

My heart sinks a little when I imagine you running your fingertips over a body that is not my own. My confidence drops a little when I hear you talk about the other girls you've touched. I force a smile and pretend i'm okay but it tears up my insides like a knife. I'm scared. scared you're comparing us. realizing how imperfect i am.