Dear Stranger
You didn't know me. I don't know your name. I only know what you looked like from the back as you got to your feet, stepped over the tracks, a little unstable as you needed a cane to walk, and crouched/knelt down as if in prayer/bowing, head first into the oncoming train.
The train couldn't stop in time, of course; it was going too fast. Nor was there any way for me to get out of my car, over two lanes, and attempt to stop you.
You see, I was at that train crossing, first in line on the left, with a clear view of your suicide. I was one of the two people who called 911, and one of the four people who waited for the police, so that we could give witness to your act.
I can only imagine the pain and despair, the utter desolation that drove you to that crossing and to that act. I hope that it brought you the peace that now escapes me.
I'm still shaking, although not quite as badly as I was two days ago. I'm still seeing what happened, the before, the act, and the aftermath, over and over on the screen of my memory. My appetite is pretty fucked up, and there are some foods I can't contemplate eating right now.
Luckily (maybe? I don't know) I had the day off work as it was my birthday and I had an appointment to renew my driver's license. Since it was only a block or so from there, I'll have to go back in a few months to take a vision driving test as my own chronic condition now means that I'll need to take that test every time my license comes up for renewal.
Chances are that I'll need to drive over that same crossing during the test, deal with the memories and the stress, with the strange associations between your death and my vision. I guess if I can do that, I'll be fine to drive anywhere.
Baruch Dayan Emet, stranger. May you and your loved ones find peace. May I and the other witnesses, those who stayed and those who couldn't, also find peace.