the body as conduit * shoot film & get dirty

It’s hard to believe that I stopped listening to podcasts, browsing the news, and banging my head against the wall long enough this year to read entire books... but I did! Noteworthy entries include Cleanness by Garth Greenwell, a breathtaking novel that includes (but doesn’t fixate on) the most accurate bdsm scene I’ve ever read & In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado, a memoir which made me envious of her ability to describe confusion with such clarity. Left out of this grid are the books I’d previously loved that inspired a re-read, a few poetry collections, art magazines that went over my head, and medical bills (often abstract fantasy novels themselves). I already have a stack of books for 2021, including practical guides for clowning and a cookbook about pies, but I’d love any suggestions I can find in paperback! This is as close as I get to resolutions, so Happy New Year, y’all! https://www.instagram.com/p/CJfUJiHBcTI/?igshid=1u86g3pwspht6

I feel like my time with @funsizethelittletrashpanda got rudely interrupted by COVID, and some days, frankly, I just spin up any of the random memories we’ve made together just to get me through the day. To meeting you anew and with only chosen restraints when time & the world allows. // phenomenal photos by @nodorum & in collaboration with @hatebeckinsale https://www.instagram.com/p/CIwdveShBkA/?igshid=v1ikbhdavusz

@nodorum shot this photo of my on my own film camera back in October. One of the things we’ve done during the pandemic (aside from eat lots of delicious food and step-up our camping game) is develop & print photos together in a traditional darkroom. Aside from playing chess, it’s the new-as-a-couple thing we’ve wanted to do together most consistently. We also tried co-writing a novel (75% finished), walking the whole of central Houston (50% finished), de-cluttering the closets (25% finished), and baking lasagna from actual scratch (0% finished). https://www.instagram.com/p/CIwEkTthKUZ/?igshid=cr1ee6tfug1y

Multiple film exposure I shot on 3 different cameras 3 years apart. With @hatebeckinsale & @nlsnmrgn & @iamlexagrace . I can’t believe we may end 2021 being able to do things like touch people outside our germ pod and eating at restaurants. Until then, reliving the magic in my daydreams (and sometimes night dreams too). https://www.instagram.com/p/CIwC3quB2dx/?igshid=zam7y9nenlq8

@nodorum & I met while dancing tango, maybe 16 or so years ago. A decade & many coincidences later, circumstances pushed us together enough that we started "dating." But that's too official a term for what we were doing. During our first meal together (remember when we could eat in restaurants?), we agreed on many things, the most important being that neither of us wanted anything serious or committed. Years later we spontaneously eloped in the 185th Criminal Court on his lunch break, him in his work suit and me in my blue jeans and t-shirt. The whole thing cost us less than $80, and that includes the drive-through McDonald's we ate before I dropped him back at work. Did I mention it was Valentine's Day, our collective least favorite holiday? Somehow, it was ridiculously romantic. And that's because everything is romantic with him, from smelling pineapples in the grocery store to taking 6am bike rides together during a pandemic. Even the hard stuff is made miraculous because we are united in it. I never imagined myself having this kind of life with anyone, especially him -- someone so generous, free-spirited, and empathetic, his kindness only rivaled by his curiosity. We spent Thanksgiving alone this year, glamping someplace verdant & swampy that had no cell service, no television, and no turkey dinner. So in honor of the holiday, I plant my little flag of gratitude here today, a symbol as small as my luck is abundant. // photo by @sweetestcherryntheapplepie and in collaboration with @thisdream_life https://www.instagram.com/p/CIJ4mPOhqRW/?igshid=1gl6j7khi7pjw

That one time atop a very dirty & equally unstable roof of an vacant mid-rise. With a body as sacrificial as our bottle of beet juice. Before the door to the space was locked forever, but just barely. // Care/Suffer-Giver: @nodorum // phenomenal photographer: @hatebeckinsale https://www.instagram.com/p/CHoC_c2hGhc/?igshid=19vbn16zu6spt

No one disgusts me as much as myself. But @gingersdesires sometimes gets close. May hundreds more worms find solace in your hair, and if I’m lucky, at the will of my own hands. // photo: @nodorum and also with @simply_dre_igip https://www.instagram.com/p/CHn_u1-B7ko/?igshid=1u0lmdnue9268

Remember that film photo I shot when I took @sansa.redux for a ride to a deserted lot near the train tracks and, well... Aren’t the colors simply delightful? (Nothing to see here!) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHn9DOwBkfe/?igshid=lh16vzb08hzn

I have decades worth of film without a single good image on them, and then I have some rolls where I want to print every one. To decades more film like this one... y para siempre with @nodorum https://www.instagram.com/p/CHlU8ExhUOy/?igshid=6vuvhx69b925

The most recent photo taken of me and @nodorum will probably be one of my favorites for years and years to come. Didn’t even hear the shutter click. // best photographer who claims to not be a photographer & also a sparkling disgust-ball of love: @funsizethelittletrashpanda https://www.instagram.com/p/CGh17q8B05W/?igshid=g8sbhq1q79iq

The last kinky gathering at our house. In The Before Times. March, I think? After a 2-month social media hiatus, returning feels complicated. Like all of you, I am processing current (and not-so-current) events, doing my best to realize the privileges I have and use them to fight for the dignity of people of color who live every day under the brutal injustice that stems from institutionalized white supremacy. Society as we share it now is incredibly unfair and must be changed; I’m trying to do my part to change it, first by understanding the role I play in the problem. I will listen to those with voices less prioritized than mine — and prop up the megaphone when necessary. And when I am called out for my shortcomings, I will do my best to listen and learn, not default to defensiveness. In moments like these that require so much growth, it’s even more important to support our family, friendships, and community. I feel incredibly energized to be surrounded by so many strong-hearted individuals with whom I am proud to stand arm-in-arm for what will continue to be an uphill battle. With @ejwtrbnn in ropes, @nodorum on ropes. Photos by me in collaboration with @fiercestrawberry https://www.instagram.com/p/CBjifCwh_hf/?igshid=1acsvw2ibffv1

Here is one shot of @nodorum from every roll of film I recently developed, and I think it’s a decent list of what we do well together: make a home, appreciate light, act somewhat awkward/inappropriate, desire too much, eat lots of fruit + sunshine, learn to respect ourselves and the community better, go places we’ve never been before, grow, spend time in close spaces, roll around on grass & carpets, fall in love with each other and our selves, and appreciate the world from our small pocket of the sublime. // Happy birthday, Tigre Mio, the person I most admire, the person who smells the best, the person who makes me laugh the most. This space is too small for the avalanche in my mouth when I speak of you. https://www.instagram.com/p/B--o12aBIbY/?igshid=1ezxt9nxuds1w

Back in December, we began planning a birthday party for @iamlexagrace that was supposed to happen this weekend. It involved a limo filled with spit, a bouncy house, a lap dance, and an octopus. Suffice it to say, this plan is not happening. So from afar, my dear Lexa, I am thinking of how you put everyone’s needs ahead of your own. And today was supposed to be the one day you would be forced to let go of that. I wanted to spoil you rotten (and rotten you spoiled), but I’ll take a raincheck. Happy birthday from 3 hours away in land but right by your side in spirit! // Here are some warmup memories I shot of you, @yumyumpandaphotography & @nodorum playing in the dust and fresh air. Can’t wait to see this gorgeous suffering (and serious hair porn!) in person again! https://www.instagram.com/p/B-2dpFzhoLl/?igshid=gy9jddfvnq5n

How many rapturous, naughty, awkward, disgusting, euphoric photographs I could share of @gingersdesires today! But here is a film photograph I just developed instead — the last photograph from the last time I saw her in the flesh. And I choose this one right now because this is how I saw her then: gorgeous but more importantly soulful, cunning but more importantly vulnerable, unflinching but more importantly adaptive. Happy birthday one of the most inventive, gentle, and frank people I’ve ever met — and all this wrapped in a tight ball of exuberant wisdom! Can’t wait to hug you tightly! (Also, your baby-leeches said to tell you hi!) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-xZTgpBMYs/?igshid=1mg5uwfpphtv3

Once upon a time we could meet friends at parks and douse each other with snocone syrup and lick each other’s faces on a playground and have a water balloon fight and sit on the benches with our legs touching and share pieces of cantaloupe or celery. O! For last month to return! // film photos from another era entirely, with Easley and Quelita (@whatthesunsaw ) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-U90irBskl/?igshid=dbnngzijvo2

Tonight I’ll be talking about co-topping for a panel at a local kink event. Apropos of this, I thought I’d share short little story on the decadence of Synesthesia. All hands & feet & mouths & fists included. // collaboration between : @nodorum @hatebeckinsale @manbearfishy @iamlexagrace & myself (at Third Ward, Houston) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq3U61hhRId/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1hwr5f1ni84qq

Of all the disgusting things I've experienced (and there may have been one or two!), eating through a frothy bar of the cheapest grocery store soap was By Far The Worst. Two thumbs down... unless you're into being disgusting, filthy, repugnant, gross, revolting, nauseating, and foul all while smelling like a laundry mat, which apparently, I am. *** Also, if you do this, be prepared to gag every time you wash the dishes for the next week, and also expect to explain to your friends why you are picking blue pieces of almost plastic out of your molars. // frother: @Nodorum // image: @bluefitzcarraldo (at Houston, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqn9wJHhNbn/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=y9xrzb0m2mmm