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Taken from Tiktok user Rebmasel’s series, Reading Iconic Court Scripts! Some of these have already been edited. You can change them however you see fit! 

• “(Name), ask for house arrest!”
• “Honestly, I love jury duty. I love watching other people’s drama go down.”
• “Okay, this sucks. I want it out of my brain.”
• “He really needs to get kicked in the fucking shun.”
• “We’re flailing, but we’re not failing.”
• “Well, my name wasn’t in the obits this morning, so that means I have to carry on.”
• “This wouldn’t be so bad if we were allowed to drink in here. Could you imagine watching this drunk? It’d be kinda funny.”
• “I’m a masochist, and of course (Name) is a sadist, but at least it’s not sexual.”
• “What I’m pissed off about is I didn’t even take drugs that night. Yeah, they were in my system but not from that night.”
• “I escaped Utah.”
• “I need a phone, clothes, a metro card, and ten dollars for some ketamine.”
• “If this was Battleship, (Name) just had their case torpedoed.”
• “You can come down here and hold me in your arms.”
• “Yeah, I got charged with a felony something. I plead out to a whatever.”
• “Wait. Wait a minute. The getaway vehicle was a lawnmower with a trailer behind it?”
• “I’d like to skip you permanently, but I don’t have that option.”
• “Do I want to look at it? No. Am I willing to look at it as a citizen? Yes.”
• “Yes. Well, even a blind squirrel can find a nut every now and again.”
• “When you use your friend’s urine to pass a drug screen, drug test your friend first.”
• “So, you’re saying I should let you off the hook because you had a bad headache and were driving into the sun?”
• “Just to clarify, is my client banned from every Walmart or just this particular Walmart?”
• “I didn’t want him to die in my house and have his spirit trapped inside to haunt me forever.”
• “I’m not sure you’ll ever get your shit together, but here’s where we’re at…”
• “It’s not that I want to be selfish. It’s that I need to be selfish.”
• “Nothing good comes out of a Waffle House at three AM.”
• “We need to consult with a cartel member. They’re global experts.”
• “You can’t expect me to remember how many times I’ve been arrested. People do things.”
• “I make a decent living selling drugs. I don’t need to steal a Mountain Dew.”
• “Please tell me that you didn’t make Christmas cookies with your seven-year-old to give to your ex that said ‘slut’ in frosting.”
• “Thirty-nine years. But when she shot me in the head, it was kinda the end of it.”
• “That judge wasn’t vibing with me, so he gave me three years probation.”
• “We can’t fix stupid, but we can give it a court date.”
• “I have absolutely no case law to back up my position. I find myself in the predicament of the blind mind in the nudist colony — I’ll just have to feel my way along.”
• “My temper is fine. In fact, I am just starting to warm up.”
• “They’re so ugly it looks like they’re hurting all the time.”
• “Well I remember, but I don’t recollect.”
• “What is the sex room? (Name) wanted to know about the sex room.”
• “No. Somebody put a gun to my neck once, but I don’t think he threatened to use it.”
• “You don’t know what it was, and you don’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”
• “He can’t be the worst and balding. Like, pick a struggle.”
• “I have a feeling that I’m going to be locked up, but I don’t care, I need the break.”
• “I mean what is sober, really?”
• “I’ve never done a violent thing in my life other than that arson and murder.”

• making eye-contact with your lover from across the room, gesturing for them to follow you outside
• tracing a finger across your lover's scar
• laying a hand on your lover's thigh
• threatening your lover with a knife
• leaning in for a kiss but pulling away last second
• telling your lover ''you're so beautiful'' knowing that's all you can say
• intertwining fingers with your lover, something unspoken in the glance you share
• straddling your lover's thighs
• your hand touches your lover's and it feels like your whole world is on fire, so you have to take it away
• tying your lover's tie
• saying ''i love you,'' not being believed at first, so you repeat yourself
• agreeing to sleep in separate beds but sneaking into each other's to snuggle
• ''i'm not in love with you.'' ''good.''
• a friend has told your lover you're in love with them, you deny it when they ask you about it
• not being able to look into your lover's eyes because it will send you down a spiral you won't get out of
• scolding your lover for almost getting themselves killed, and your lover asks you why you care so much
• your lover almost dies and that's when it clicks for you
• not being able to let go when you have them in your arms
• catching each other undressing and very obviously checking each other's bodies out
• kissing your lover when they ask you why you've been avoiding them, not realizing it's because you're jealous that they've been hanging out with [a potential love interest]
• bandaging each other up and sharing a tender moment
• laying awake at night, wishing your lover was next to you
• kissing your lover's forehead, torn apart knowing that's all you can do
• looking deep into your lover's eyes, both of you lost in the moment
• tracing your fingers down your lover's chest, stopping at their zipper, looking up at them for confirmation
• flirting with your lover from across the room
• solid eye-contact, then *gaze drops to lips*
• grabbing each other's face and not being able to let go, or look away, leaning in for a kiss just as you're being interrupted
• letting your lover know you'll always be there for them, no matter what happens

• do you know who tells the truth? drunks and children.
• i have no children of my own and that’s by choice.
• sometimes i say ‘i don’t have kids yet’ but that that’s just to appease certain people.
• you can go very far in life, if you pretend to know what you’re doing.
• grandma’s got a boyfriend.
• he calls waiters ‘garçon’.
• these women would love a reason to destroy you.
• i wanna know when and how he croaked.
• have you ever spied on your parents?
• sascha’s dad does drag.
• even though i was embarrassed, i couldn’t deny they were right to throw shade.
• i’m not gonna sugarcoat it because, like a chubby queen in a corset, the truth always has a way of spilling out.
• that is the past. i am a new woman.
• yeah, i know. i produced it but yeah.
• that is unanimous, okay.
• you were sitting next to an old man you didn’t know?
• i went to the bathroom nine times.
• that’s another one of my fears: home invasions. i don’t want anyone in my home!
• if i had known algebra, i would not have lost my eye.
• did you rehearse this?
• my story makes sense, on that you can rely.
• i’m the only living person who just wants macaroni.
• can i please just have some pasta? a plain plate of noodles with a little bit of butter.
• another one of my biggest fears is sitting on a toilet and having the water automatically flush. i don’t like that. and nuclear disasters.
• you’re playing mind games with me.
• i haven’t had a dream in over seven months.
• i haven’t had a dream in like … since yesterday.
• i get in the car. i just drive. wherever the sun takes me.
• i don’t even know what it means, i just brought up a fancy word.
• we are closed for a private event.
• girl talk, you’re positive?
• it’s a huge fear of mine. just realizing how dumb i am and knowing that they’re realizing how dumb i am.
• you don’t value our vision!
• you have to pay attention, this is a very big deal.
• pay attention!
• how married are we to doing this?
• no, i’m not on the group text.
• do flowers exist at night?
• what’s ‘lore’?
• i saw a white lady standing on the street just sobbing.
• follow me! but also give me space, okay?
• use your ears, be aware.
• like a squishy sound like a butt!
• okay, i just broke a bottle over here.
• no, he’s not okay. he’s having a lot of trouble.
• i landed weird on my ankle and it popped. it was like music!
• you’ll never believe what sound it makes when i throw it out the window and the window breaks!
• maybe grab that cat by it’s tail.
• you just said it better.
• we want you to know that we don’t judge you.
• nobody cares.
• i want this, i’m keeping this.
• fish, tacos and fish tacos. terrible.
• you know that i want you to be happy but i do want you to miss me. a lot.
• is there a way of dying that you’re not afraid of, that you would prefer?
• there is no one like you. there has never been anyone like you. there will never be anyone like you. therefore, be yourself.