Trying to have a serious conversation then decided to throw in a joke that clearly didn’t land and I ended up having to explain it. So that’s fun.

So from now on, I will be practicing safe sex and will always use a condom.

On the plus side, I’m on the cusp of 40lbs lost from minimal diet change and working my ass off going to the gym twice a day Mon-Thurs, once Friday and maybe Saturday or Sunday.

Also, I had sex with this one girl two weeks ago and that was pretty dope. She texted me the next day “I think you bruised my uterus”

I have a date with another girl Saturday and she already knows what I’m about. So we’re going to have sex as well. She might be a every other week fwb. It would be weekly but she lives almost an hour away. Houston is an hour away from houston. Damn this big ass city!! 😡😡

I had sex tonight with someone. She hasn’t slept with anyone in 2 years. So I, as I like to put it, busted the seal on her pussy. She asked me to come over because she had an awful dinner with her ex-bf. They fairly recently broke up.

It was good. But, we don’t have the same chemistry that amber and I have. I’m not going to say making out with this girl is terrible, but mine and amber’s mouths just fit perfectly and the kissing is great. I would totally have a junior high make out session with her.

Oh well, I’ll just keep having sex with this girl for a bit and then other girls too because I’m going on a massive widhoe phase again. Which is something I don’t need. But whatevs.

I’ve been doing awful mentally. Had a huge blow up Saturday. I’m not doing well.

I wanted to microdose mushrooms to feel better because I’ve done a lot of reading about how it can help with anxiety and depression. When I first started, amber and I were together still and it was working. She ended things with me and now they’re not working at all. So I’ve give them up and started taking my lexapro like I was supposed to do two weeks ago.

I have therapy Friday. I can’t wait for that. I’m such a fucking mess right now that I feel like I’m not going to get through this. I’m barely treading water. I’m going to sink soon if things down get any better.

Got a little ink therapy Friday. Adding to my spooky leg. My leg is going to be sexy af. You know, if you’re into tattoos. Which I know a lot of you are.

I keep deactivating as reactivating my Facebook

I know I’ll be okay eventually, but right now I’m just spiraling and I don’t know when I’m going to hit the bottom. But I hope it’s soon. That way I can get up and move forward

Tried something new with my haircut. Got a lot of compliments on the new and overall look.

Officially 30lbs down. Been working my ass off to get there. Want to lose another 20. But really want to lose another 50. But if I only get another 20-30 down then I’ll be happy

Got tired of the long beard. It wasn’t really looking that great I think. So I took it down some.

Bonus: you can see the rose tattoo and Lauren’s full name in her handwriting

I’m so over feeling like this

Journaling

I’ve considered to start this as a way to get everything out so that way I can start to release a lot of my issues and my guilt.

That being said, I want to use my tumblr page. I want you all to see what I have been doing for so long. The good and the bad.

But first, I’ll have to start with the bad.

Would anyone mind if I posted about the morning that I found Lauren? And the events leading up to before I left for work. It’ll be a hard read. Believes me, it was hard to experience. So if any one person says that they do not wish to read what happened then I’ll just get a notebook and write it all down. Or just do it in my notepad on my phone.

Googling “how to love yourself” is actually very upsetting.