welcome to my twisted pretzel

how it feels liking and reblogging posts

sorry i cant hang out i forgot how to mimic human like behaviour

I mean if you wanna just loom in the corner like some kinda creature that's cool, we just don't want you getting left out

tbh i didnt know you were supposed to be jerking off while you look at porn

ive been standing with my arms behind my back ponderously like at a museum

wait wait you’ve been pondering at the museum? I’ve just been jerking off there

28 year old van lifer in Rhode Island: ummmmm I really hope you all know that buying cheap polyester patches and gluing them onto a fast fashion denim jacket isn't "punk" or "radical"...

28 year old dairymaid in the same location 412 years earlier: Wist Ye not that Pressing the Kine's Milch from her Tit, and Taking it to your Mouthes ere it be Gathered into the Milch-pot, is neither Chaste nor Pious ?

you literally have shitty hide armor and a dull ass shortsword. let me guess. your loot is 6 gold coins too? 🙄

you call this place "wall greens" yet its walls... are not green? how very pecuilar...

ah i see now. so "walgreen" was a clan of bandits who conquered various, smaller apothecaries in order to acquire the vast empire they now sit upon. how very cruel, this "america". you are ruled by warlords and do nothing to usurp them?

Scream

"I completely changed the recipe and it turned bad. This means the recipe is bad. Two stars."

Please I'm begging you all to follow r/ididnthavetheeggs it's all just posts like this please

r/ididn'thaveeggs link for the interested:

Adding some more quality replies from the rbs so they're all in one chain

my personal favorite:

making egg tarts without eggs is....a choice. sometimes one just has to acknowledge that a banana isn't an egg, indeed.

we talk a lot about ohhhh what if my calling is to be the greatest mammoth hunter ever and I'm wasting my talents in the modern era but we never think about what if Thog from 30,000 BCE was the only person ever born who could get a sub-7min Donkey Kong Country any%, and he never got the chance. what about thog

Me when I use the blender that makes 50% of all turtles feel immeasurable pain

Let us suppose that the "average" horse would have equal proportions of all these parts. The degree to which each part in this poll deviates from the "average" size (20% of total) will determine how large or small that part of our horse will be (i.e a horse with only 10% in Legs will have legs half the size of the average horse).

I will draw a picture of the horse we make!

Thank you for your patience, tumblr. I have been at work all day but now I am home and ready to build this horse you asked for.

First, let's pull up the poll results alongside an average looking horse. I have calculated the size of each part of our horse in relation to Average Size.

Next we will adjust our horse's components according to the specifications.

Finally, let us properly assemble these parts and see how it looks.

And there you have it. Great work team. No notes.

reminder that coming up with some fake little dudes and creating intricate storylines in your head is a completely free and fun way to pass the time and the government can't stop you