Twenty years ago, February 15th, 2004, I got married for the first time.

It was twenty years earlier than I ever expected to.

To celebrate/comemorate the date, I'm sitting down to write out everything I remember as I remember it. No checking all the pictures I took or all the times I've written about this before. I'm not going to turn to my husband (of twenty years, how the f'ing hell) to remember a detail for me.

This is not a 100% accurate recounting of that first wild weekend in San Francisco. But it -is- a 100% accurate recounting of how I remember it today, twenty years after the fact.

Join me below, if you would.

While I'm talking about social stuff I had to learn as an autistic person

There's a LOT of social interactions between human beings whose purpose really boils down to being like that thing dogs do where they go "omg YOU'RE a dog??? I'M a dog!!!!!" And that's not a bad thing. Highly ritualized "meaningless" displays of human connection like friendly greetings and talking about things like weather actually do serve a purpose which is like idk ritualized displays birds do. YOU'RE a human? Omg I'M a human!!!! Wow!!!

And they don't have to be your favorite flavor of interaction. You can even think they're silly. But they DO serve a purpose or else they wouldn't be a thing.

There's lots of good and folksy responses to "how are you doing" that don't involve either lying or undermining the ritualized purpose of the greeting exchange, too. My great grandmother Ethel for example was a big fan of "well, I'm a-doin'"

"Things like 'How are you?' and 'Have a nice day' and 'What do you think of the weather, then?' What these sounds mean is: I am alive and so are you."

- Wings, by Terry Pratchett.

It sounds so cute when you put it this way

When I was a teenager I really hated and gamified smalltalk, but... Then I got cockatiels. And cockatiels have a thing called "contact calls". Basically, it's a particular set of noises they make to know where each other are without looking at them directly. There's variations, when the flock member is close it's a very sweet little sound, when they don't know where you are this can progress to a panicked shriek.

I kind of loved mimicking it. It let me interact with my birds in a whole new way that meant a lot to them, and it turned out to be incredibly helpful when my (completely unrecall trained, fully flighted bird) got startled in a bad gust of wind on the way between aviary and house and ended up circling in the bad weather, totally disoriented... And calling for us. It let her figure out how to get back down to come home.

Gradually I realised that lots of animals do this, actually. Cat activation noise is a contact call. Dogs do it in some kinds of whines. Social birds have big repertoires of them. It's just a ritual to keep in contact.

Then... I realised that's what a lot of those small rituals of smalltalk actually are. They are the act of petting an anxious or excited dog to soothe it, or letting each other know you're still in the room together. Humans have a huge variety in the way they use these, but I stopped finding a lot of them so annoying when I realised what the rituals were actually for.

I mean, I still prefer to use the non-word versions among friends and other people amenable to it, but. I find it, given in good faith, kind of endearing now.

my fav metaphor for it is pinging, like computers and servers. i don't even know what data is in a ping packet, it doesn't matter, the real purpose of pinging is to see if the server responds and how fast. there's a lot of little social interactions that are just people pinging each other. just "hey, are you here? im here!" the response is more important than the actual information.

my favourite explanation for small talk is that it’s like when you meet a cat and you put out your hand and they delicately sniff it before deciding if they want to interact further or not and that’s beautiful

Greg House Big Naturals…

when in fics they say two characters gave each other a look this is always what i envision in my head

as a writer this is also what i envision

PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU VOTE!

same old story

ive gotten so much mileage out of this tweet. every time i see something on the internet that makes me mad i just think to myself "people in real life: hey man how's it going" and i keep it pushing

I really appreciate how every week I reblog this, a different person interacts it. Tuesday light me up speaks to all of us at different times.

there should be a socially acceptable way to say "im not sure what to say to that. can you say something different"

people dont get this post they think its a problem of not understanding what the other person said but the thing people seem to not get is that having autism will just rob you of a conversation tree. there is just nothing to be said ever

I sometimes see people argue about one of these circles as though it were all three circles.

Sometimes something can totally make sense in-universe, and fit with the themes of the story, the characters, etc... And you just don't like it for whatever reason. Maybe it wasn't done well in spite of that, or touched a nerve, etc.

Maybe you loved a story, and it was an excellent exploration of a character, but it would be totally fair to call out the technical nonsense, and how, even in-universe, it doesn't add up.

And maybe you thought this episode of a show was GREAT! But it was non-canon, nothing made sense, and, ultimately, it was UTTER NONSENSE.

And so on, and so forth. Heck, you could fairly add more circles to this. I'm keeping it simple with three.

My point is mostly that there's nuance to opinions, and sometimes, someone not liking something in a story has nothing to do with whether it made sense, or complimented the narrative.

Those things can be separate points. Stories don't have to be a failure at everything to be disliked, or succeed at everything to be liked, and arguing as though that were the case is silly.

Watterson pulled no punches

happy Mother’s Day to these two queens