I’m BI I’m HOMELESS I have RADIATION POISONING and I’m NEW IN TOWN

I was a security guard at a major art museum

Over the course of my time there: -A woman came in with a skirt made of neckties. Just. Neckties, all strung together to make a skirt. She had leggings on underneath, thank god. -Been asked for the Mona Lisa -Been asked for the Sistine Chapel -Been asked where the dinosaurs are -Been asked where the animals are -Been asked for “The Bitch With The Pitcher” (Vermeer’s “Woman with a Water Pitcher,” by the way)

-Been asked for “The Girl With The Pearl Earring”

-Been asked for the Mona Lisa

-Got bored and learned the name of every single one of the Buddhas

-Got bored and learned the name of five Chinese dynasties (long day in Asian Art)

-Chilled in the Buddha room

-Watched someone escorted out for trying to take a nude photo in the Arms and Armor section

-Been asked for the Michelangelo’s, then the Raphael’s, then the Leonardo’s, then the Donatello’s (they were naming ninja turtles) -Heard curator in Musical Instrument section play Night On Bald Mountain on giant historical pipe organ while laughing maniacally.

-Fielded a day when a filthy counterfit version of the museum program was disseminated among visitors, guiding them to the filthiest art in the museum – such as the painting of Cupid peeing on Venus

-guarded Cupid peeing on Venus

-Been asked for the Mona Lisa

-Been asked if I had seen the First Lady of Mexico (she had gone missing)

-Been asked for that one sculpture of Kronos that is featured in Percy Jackson WHICH DOESN’T EXIST GUYS (directed children to sculptures of Poseidon with trident instead, children were very happy)

-Witnessed two Secret Service Agents get into a swordfight with pieces of packing material.

-been asked by a very polite Fransiscan monk in full brown robes if he had found ‘One of us. He has gone missing.” -Found missing monk and returned him to the herd

-Coworker was asked for the Ark of the Convenant

-Same coworker was asked for the Baseball Hall of Fame

-stopped about 15,000 people from poking that one lion statue in the nuts -saw a woman in a banana suit with banana shoes take a picture in front of an Egyptian temple

-Been asked for the Mona Lisas (plural) 

I’ve got more but this is what I remember for now.

The official plural for a group of monks is now “herd”.

oh, who decides? from where up high?

mood

Kurama

Commission I did for @embracey0urdreams a while ago and forgot to post

A series of events:

1. I put in an Annual Leave request form almost 3 weeks ago and my boss has not approved it yet

2. I went into my office today and replaced every single writing utensil with crayons in preparation for April Fools Day on Monday

3. Whilst searching for pens to remove, I found my unsigned Annual Leave form in my boss’s drawer

4. I placed my unsigned Annual Leave form in a photo frame and put in on his desk

5. The frame I used was from a photo of his kids that I deemed less important than my Leave form

6. My boss sometimes goes into the office on Saturdays to work

7.

this sign left no survivors

I really … don’t know what the mom expected… I really do not

So my mom is a neonatal nurse and she helps the newborn babies and there was one she had to help and it’s name was Ho’Nasty pronounced “Honesty”

I still can’t get over how Naruto is literally named after the little pink spiral thingies you get in ramen noodles

the western equivalent would be like naming your kid fucking Crouton

MY NAME IS CROUTON AND IM GONNA BE PRESIDENT SOMEDAY BELIEVE IT

And he will have a son named Brouton.

tumblr is like a group therapy with no therapist.