Instead of blowing off the other’s words, he actually started to understand more of what was going on ( not that he was totally neutral, though, because he really disliked Christian’s wording.. but the point of what he was saying was noted ).
“That’s..” He had no idea what to call it. “It was still messed up,” he decided, standing firm in what he had said previously and determined to make himself heard. “You can’t get mad at me for your actions, and your choices, just because you’re confused. You’re a grown ass adult, and you’ve got the power to do whatever the fuck you want without pinning your problems on other people.” Even though he understood, he wasn’t going to accept that it was right, or fair. “And you’re especially adult enough to know that what you did was stupid, regardless of whatever the hell you’re going through. There’s no excuse for that, and you can’t be putting the blame for all of this on me, like I was.. like..”
His words trailed off uncertainly to silence as he failed to find the right wording, not even sure what he was going to say or allude to in that sentence. However, not wanting to lose his momentum again, he decided to let that thought go unfinished and head moved on with a shake of his head. “The point is that if I’m such a shitty person for you, why do you bother? Like I said, you’re capable of making your own choices. You see how ‘bad’ I am for you, how much I’m apparently fucking up your whole life, but you still came over and apologized.”
With his own words starting to sink in, Lincoln quieted down, his expression turning questioning and almost skeptical ( also, a hint confused once he realized one glaring contradiction ). “.. And you’re still here, talking to me and putting up with me even though you just got pissed at me like a minute ago. You’re still here, maybe angry at me or yourself or I don’t know who the fuck you’re really upset at, but you haven’t left.. It’s not like I’m holding you back or begging you to stay, either.” He strode closer before stopping directly in front of the other, not wanting to allow him to look away or deflect. “And I know you don’t like to waste your time, so what’s all this actually about? You better not lie or shut me out again either, Christian, or I’m fucking done with you.”
“I--” And then the abrupt response died. Almost instantly. Christian stared at the other in disbelief. Felt like he’d just been punched in the stomach by the words and at a loss of what to say. He’d already been scrambling to think of something to say when Lincoln started to pick apart his reasoning when the threat reached his ears. And he knew it was a serious one. As close as they were, Lincoln wasn’t the kind of person to say something like that and not mean it. There would be no running back. No “I didn’t mean that” later. Nothing. Nothing.
And the realization of that was more impactful than he’d ever admit. When did the roles reverse? His friend had always been “the clingy one” but now here Christian was. Or maybe clingy wasn’t the right word. Just... attached? Invested?
He averted his gaze but then looked back to Lincoln once he found what he wanted to say. “... I don’t know.” And he still didn’t know how to feel. And that’s what bothered him so much. A part of him was still defensive and upset about the whole thing. A part of him just wanted this to be over and for things to go back to normal again. A part of him thought maybe it’d be better to go to sleep to forget everything for a good, long while until he had the energy to address it.
Right now wasn’t the best time or place for any of this but the ultimatum was still crystal clear in his mind. It was there waiting regardless of how caught off guard or pressured he felt.
“Do you... remember what I told you on the roof?” Christian did. Mostly. Even though he started to fall asleep at the end of the conversation he remembered enough. He remembered how bizarre it was to be vulnerable even just for that really brief moment. “It’s that.” But he also remembered the support. And how much it meant even though he completely brushed it off in the moment to act like nothing was really wrong. “It’s the fact that I believed that until you came along. I had already accepted it. That was it. That was my life. It was all planned out.”
But now that future plan was all but discarded. “But now I want more than that.” Or was it less? It was impossible to tell. “And the thing is that no matter how I feel it is still impossible. It’s still too late and I can’t do anything about it... But I want to. And it’s hard, Lincoln. I don’t know what or who to listen to anymore. It’s all... noise. And on top of that it feels so...” God. What was the word? He couldn’t remember “... Hopeless?” Close enough. “Everything changed except for the fact that nothing can change.”
