Tara took Lena’s little monologue with a straight face, if not for the barely there tic at the corner of her mouth, you would’ve thought she hadn’t even been listening. But she had and what she heard was nothing new. It still hurt, because Tara knew it was true. Lena always managed to hit that perfect spot that made her entire world shatter in a second. And it was anger as well as guilt that made her get up without a single word. It was either get out now or get into another screaming match that might just be their last.
It wasn’t that she didn’t love her, or that she wasn’t proud to call Lena her partner, it was the insecurity and terror of facing the world as an openly-gay female boxer that made her repeatedly brake her lover’s heart. But she couldn’t and wouldn’t talk about it. That would make it real and Tara wasn’t ready for that.
“Wait—babe, wait” Lena said, jumping off the couch and grabbing Tara around the middle. “Please” she whimpered, wracked by another sob muffled into her lover’s back. “I didn’t mean it. Not like that” she tried, knowing full well that the problem ran so much deeper than just fake-cheating. Because that’s what it was, whatever it was with that shithead fuckboy Adair. But it still hurt and it hurt so much more when Tara used it as strictly a means to wound her. Because Lena was as jealous as a demon on a good day, nevermind moments like these.
“Please don’t go” she continued, moving in front to hug Tara fiercely, tucking her head in the crook of her neck. Tara sighed emphatically and hid a frustrated grimace in Lena’s hair. There were moments when she hated Lena, truth be told, but at the end of the day she lover her too much to give in to her. It was for the best.
“I have to, you know I have to” she whispered, pushing Lena away. They both have very different ways of working through things; Lena with the talking and the screaming and Tara with her own thoughts in a sea of people. And any attempt at compromise had resulted in tears and buying new china. “I’ll be back in the morning and we’ll talk” Tara said, wrapping Lena in her arms and placing a soft kiss on her forehead.
Lena held tight to Tara knowing that this would be the best, but still feeling like she was being abandoned. Her bottom lip quivered as she closed her eyes to Tara’s kiss; it felt like a good-bye to her, even tho she knew it wasn’t. At times, something took a hold of her and all sorts of rational thought abandoned her, it was like suddenly she could see all the ways something could end badly or every reason why she would fail and she panicked. This was one of those moments. As she stood there, frozen in place by the rising anxiety, Tara moved away to the bedroom and as the door clicked shut, her breath caught off and suddenly all she could think was that this was the last time she’d see Tara. She was gonna leave her and never come back... like so many others before her.
Boo! Thought we could all do with a bit of a break from these two drama llamas, so hi, this is your narrator speaking! I felt the need to add that elsewhere, right next door, a cyan haired little shit was muttering wildly as she was brewing yet another cup of coffee because of these two lovely ladies. She was at the time torn between calling the cops, throwing eggs through their, dare I mention, wide open window and googling for the best couple therapist in the city and dropping by to leave her info. It was not great to be Mara Ravenstead on that lovely autumn night at 3 fucking AM. And I loved it! Anyway, carrying on.
“No” she muttered softly, slowly turning around. Walking unsure to the bedroom door she opened it with trembling fingers and watched Tara dressing up with horror in her eyes. “You’re really going, aren’t you?” she whimpered, voice small and fearful. Tara turned around surprised and pulled the shirt on her arms. “I thought we established that” she said distractedly as she buttoned her shirt. “But... you can’t” Lena tried then more forcefully “I won’t let you!”
Tara stopped and lifted her gaze to Lena, eyebrows raised in question. She looked terrified but also angry. “I’m coming back, love” she said calmly, trying to placate her after a moment of watching the emotions play on Lena’s face. “ No, you’re not! You’re leaving me aren’t you? Off to your fuckin’ boytoy, aren’t you?!” Lena screeched now in full-blown panic, body shaking uncontrollably. “ I hate you!” she shouted, tears streaming down her face again.
Tara realized her lover had just gone to her dark place, from where there was no coming back easily. The last time she tried to calm Lena down from one of these, she almost clawed her eyes out. it pained her to leave her like this, but she didn’t know what to do... So she pulled her jacket on and grabbed her keys. “I am coming back, Lena” she said softly, hurt in her voice and guilt on her face. “You should get some sleep” she finished as she turned for the door
“Don’t fuckin turn your back on me, you cold-hearted bitch” Lena yelled grabbing at Tara’s jacket only to escape the grip of her fingers by a moment. “I won’t move from here, unless you come back right now,Tara!” she continued her diatribe from the doorway, dropping to her knees, as Lena walked away. “I swear to God, I’ll sit here and die of starvation and sleep derivation, you’ll find me dead in a pool of my own shit and piss!” She let out a high-pitched screech and stomped her feet as the entry doors clicked shut.
“Why the fuck do I even bother” she mused out loud after a few moments in complete silence, voice wracked by big sobs. As she lay down on the floor she drew a few calming breaths and finally wiped her tears. ‘She’s done with me, finally had enough’ she thought to herself, staring vacantly at the ceiling. ‘Fuck.’
