A Cheerful Disaster

This is.....niche. Do period-appropriate chickens even still exist? Idk anything about chickens. I like the fancy ones.

Fuck, 9 years today since Terry left us 😢.

I don't think he's left us. He lives on in his stories :")

To Terry. And all the lives he changed.

“No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock he wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence.”

Reaper Man - Terry Pratchett

Nine years. It took me almost six of them to finally read Shepherd's Crown. I couldn't bear the idea of ever reaching the end of the story.

When you call somebody’s name but they don’t know where it’s coming from

This is genuinely frightening

You know when a horror movie has so many jokes it feels more like a comedy? This is the exact opposite of that

It Follows (2014)

I remember reading somewhere that there’s a fine line between comedy and horror, this video crossed that fine line like 10 times.

poll time!

*for context: usually I disagree with this practice and think things like [prompt] month fills should be standalone works in a collection/series. but I have a hunch people might feel differently about drabbles since they're so short.

I’m genuinely curious about this, but also I’ve been writing a lot of drabbles here on tumblr and I’m on the fence about sharing them anywhere else. thanks for voting and reblogging!

several people have commented on my videos working in Alaska asking how I don’t have perpetual trenchfoot in all the water.

I am NOT trying to make fun of anyone but I’m genuinely wondering if you guys forgot waterproof boots exist for a minute there

I think people genuinely do forget sometimes. I spent six months doing river surveys and one of the top questions I got when talking to people was "How do you deal with your feet being wet all the time?" My fellow upright ape, I was in waterproof boots or waders basically constantly, beyond feeling a bit like a steam bun at times I was pretty dry.

But then I sat and thought about it for a minute and beyond certain regions or communities it seems like not a lot of folks own waterproof boots, even in my home area where we've got mud season twice a year it's a gamble if people even have a pair of rubber boots most of the time. So now I'm wondering if it's one of those things like boot dryers or siphons where unless you're passingly involved in a community that requires it the existence of said thing occasionally drops out of your consciousness.

This wins the internet for 2024!! 😂😂

Brilliant 😂😂

In the olden days they did things so sensibly. Page 8 of The Liverpool Daily Post, 29 March 1937

ID:

Barmaid Becomes Barman

Girl Re-Registered

The re-registration of a seventeen-years-old Ellen Caldwell, a Crewe barmaid, residing at Martin Street, as a male, and her appearance at the hotel where she is employed smartly attired in man's clothing, has brought to a conclusion a remarkable episode of transformation.

Last summer, she sought medical advice, and an operation was performed at Manchester Royal Infirmary. The operation was successful, and her father has taken the necessary steps to have her re-registered, this time as a male.

She has changed her name to Alan, and Ellen the barmaid is now Alan the barman.

/End ID.

I was worried for a second, but it turns out I was looking in the wrong county -

Here he is!

Part of the 1939 register, a census showing the Caldwell family living at 46 Martin Street, Crewe.

John Caldwell, head of the family, a 54 year old general labourer. His wife, Edith, also 54 years old and listed as "unpaid domestic duties" - a housewife. Alan, spelled Allen here, is 20 (birthday 12th May), and working as a garage hand. A closed record - either someone who is still alive, and/or someone who was a small child at the time of the census, or,, idk some other reason, but it's usually those. Last is John Junior, who is 12 and still at school.

It turns out he stuck with the spelling of Allen, because here look -

He got married! Spring 1941, to a Miss Sylvia Copp.

I can't see the details without ordering the record itself, and I don't hugely have that money spare atm, but I hope they had a lovely day of it, even if I can't see who were their witnesses

Eyeing the ingredients on a pack of Percy Pigs and wondering if it’d be worth risking it...

Like most of the ingredients are low histamine (except the massive amounts of citric acid), I might be fine with it... Maybe...

(for context: these are my favorite candies. I ate them all the time back home before developing full-blown MCAS. I miss them.)

Maybe I’ll wait until I get me new epi pens. Just in case.

Wait citric acid is a high histamine thing, if that's something you can be allergic/sensitive to all on it's own I may have to research that since that might be my mystery sensitivity.

RB if you think CD drives in computers are not obsolete, but in fact still necessary, despite being artificially phased out

At the gate for my flight home from visiting friends and there's a woman here with a service Shiba Inu. No pics because he has a Do Not Disturb vest and taking pics of strangers is illegal but I need to stress how ON DUTY this animal is. Ears up. Eyes doing Lazer scans of everything. Examining everyone who passes within 10ft like a security guard. Ass planted on her feet. I have never seen a dog with such intense chivalric guardian energy before. He has tiny eyebrows and they are FURROWED with concentration.

Man behind me having unhinged phone conversation. There is an internationally famous dairy in the area I was visiting and he was commissioned by the lady on the other end of the phone to collect specific cheeses from there. The lady is very high strung about the type and condition of the cheese.

The man does not know from cheese. The man "ain't never seen no cheese but orange before" and "I showed ya list to the cheese lady so if it's wrong it's her fault ok?"

I am 80% sure she sent him there for a really specific bleu cheese, 40% sure he does not have the very specific bleu cheese, and 100% sure he's done with her shit.

Our flight is delayed.

He does not have the cheeses in a cooler, just a regular backpack.

I need to emphasize that there is no cooler bag in the backpack. He has Jansport backpack that is jam-packed with cheeses. There is apparently $405 dollars worth of cheeses in that backpack, which I know because he has been trying to get the lady to venmo him the expense, which she has failed to do. It is unclear whether his relation to the lady is romantic, familial or what, but I'm leaning towards "what".

Two more people have joined us. One is a very elegant man with a perfect manicure in a tailored business suit, the other is a neon-haired person of indeterminate gender wearing a fox kirigumi. The Shiba Inu has been staring at the latter for three minutes now.

Uh oh.

Cheese man has been demanding payment because apparently he went like six hours out of his way and paid with his own money and between the cheese and price of gas, he is pretty sure he does not have enough money in his account for an Uber home.

The lady is FLABBERGASTED that he is demanding payment at all, as she was under the impression he was doing this for her out of the goodness of his heart.

He's not having it. He's insisting she told him she would pay him back- he would have gotten her maybe one cheese somewhere closer to his business in the area out of love, but he went out of his way because she agreed to pay him costs+ extra to cover it.

HE RECORDED THE CONVERSATION IN WHICH SHE PROMISED TO PAY FOR THE CHEESE, SHE'S THAT MUCH OF A FLAKE.

I am about to offer this man cash for some of these cheeses because our flight is now more delayed.

"YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS AND I FALL FOR IT EVERY TIME! NO! NO! FUCK YOU! IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA PAY ME, YOU DON'T GET FANCY CHEESE."

"OR ELSE WHAT?"

"I'm gonna-? THE BABY SHOWER? MONICA CAN'T EVEN HAVE THIS CHEESE SHE'S PREGNANT!"

"The cheese lady asked if it was for someone because the mushrooms or whatever in the cheese are dangerous for the baby or something?? You wanna poison Monica?"

"WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT THAT?"

"YEAH OF COURSE I GOT THE CHEESE, THATS WHY I DON'T GOT MONEY FOR UBER!"

"YEAH, GO TELL! GO TELL MOMMA I STOPPED YOUR STUPID ASS FROM KILLING MONICA OR THE BABY! FUCK!"

*hangs up phone*

*head in hands, borderline hyperventilating*

The man in the three piece suit is in the chair next to him. He waits a moment, then reaches into his carryon and pulls out an entire bottle of wine with the TSA pre check sticker on it, and taps cheese guy on the shoulder.

"If your friend doesn't want it, would you be amenable to having it right now?"

Naturally, I have volunteered my box of wheat thins and offered to buy one of the harder cheeses which should be fine if it makes it home.

Meanwhile, Kirigumi has noticed that the Shiba Inu is staring at her and is correctly intimidated.

1. This is some fucking great Camembert. I have compensated cheese guy accordingly. So have like six other people. He's recouped like half his losses.

2. Cheese guy is crying a little about the cash and opening up about his problems. The cheese lady is his younger sister. Suit guy is being very generous with his Pinot Blanc. We are having a picnic/improv family therapy session.

3. This is apparently the latest in a long string of his sister asking for something and then flaking when he asks to be paid back. Started with paying him back only some of what he was owed, then claiming something she paid for him was of equal value when it was not, then recently telling him his memory is wrong and he said it was a gift or that he'd do it for free.

"Yeah, the specific thing of trying to convince you your memory is unreliable is called gaslighting and it's really fucked up." I say

"yeeeeah. The other stuff I forgave because she's never really had a good job so she can't pay me back all the time but at least she was making an effort y'know? But that was. That was over the line."

"If you haven't already, check on the rest of your family's finances. My brother started trying to gaslight everyone when he started stealing from our parents." Says Pinot Blanc.

4. Shiba Inu Lady has purchased a cheddar. Apparently, the dog's name is Donut, and he's her service dog because she's severely visually impaired.

"Oh, he's a guide dog?" Asks cheese guy.

"oh, no." She laughs. "He's too short, and the way my eyes are, it's easier for me to navigate with a cane. No, the problem I have is that some morally impaired people see the cane and think they can get away with stealing my bag or assaulting me because I wouldn't be able to give a description- which is wrong, but rather than deal with that I got Donut, and he helps me by howling at anyone who gets in my personal space and biting anyone who grabs me!"

"Uh." Says Kirigumi. "He's been staring at me do I need to back up or..?"

"Ohdear! No, no- He wasn't looking at you! He loves cheese but he knows he's not supposed to beg so he decided the way to deal with something he wants but can't have is to stare in the other direction."

"OKAY!" Says Kirigumi. "I'm wearing fox pajamas and thought like. He thought I was another dog or something."

"No, no- he doesn't care about dogs, and you get a warning before he goes for the calves. Very helpful, when I was living in Italy!"

"Oh what part? I have family in Tuscany." Says Pinot.

"Does he want a cheese? There is still so much cheese." Says cheese guy.

Plane may be arriving. I am paying for in flight WiFi to keep y'all updated.

horse: OH WE'RE GOING NOW? IT'S TIME TO GO? OKAY LET'S GO LET'S GO

WHOOO ALL RUNNING TOGETHER YEAH! I'M LEADING THE HERD! LET'S GOOO

i cant stop drawing them

Translation not required.

To The Bus Driver - Jordan Bolton

so background. my fiancée and my mom have been calling each other “BFF” since we started dating over 5 years ago. like that was my mom’s contact name in Selena’s phone for half a decade.

anyway we just got engaged a few days ago, and now the two of them want to update their nicknames to reflect that. and. well. hold on i gotta gear up for this one

they have decided on “mother in law forever” and “daughter in law forever.” fucking. MILF and DILF. yes they are both FULLY aware of what those mean and not even god and his angels can make them stop

can someone please mercy kill me

What's it like knowing you're about to marry the funniest person on earth?