should i or should i not? could i or could i not? will i or will i not? stay tuned.
notacircusmonkey reblogged
CONTINGENCY PLAN. this MORBID idea. he is well - aware how much steve does not want to talk about it. the man is transparent enough when he isn’t being careful. even so, bucky barnes has always been able to see through his facades. he does not mean to cause his friend such DISTRESS. he knows steve refuses to view him as DANGEROUS ;; refuses to see him as anything other than a VICTIM in need of support - but the HARSH reality is that he is, dangerous && unstable. buck needs to know that if it came down to it, if push came to shove, steve would do what was necessary to keep himself SAFE.
MOVEMENT ;; the floor creaks. by the time james’ mind finally catches up and he is able to look up, steve is already seated. he must have lost… at least ten seconds? time continues to slow, stop and then speed forth. it is STAGGERING. listless eyes rest on the pale hand resting between them on the table, staring at long pale fingers : ARTIST HANDS. && again, he is momentarily distracted, lost staring into a window into the past. he sees DELICATE wrists, paint stained fingers, smudges of charcoal. he sees sketch pads && sharpened pencils ;; smells parchment, and smiles. those fingers are washed clean now, still the same albeit a bit longer, stronger - calloused, but still the same. in a moment of mind - numbing DELIRIUM, he wants to ask steve if he has painted anything recently, but their previous conversation comes rushing back and his FEARS thrust him back into focus.
RIGID SHOULDERS SAG WITH RELIEF once he learns that steve has in fact thought about this, although his response isn’t exactly what buck had been hoping to hear. it did however SCREAM steven grant rogers. his chest feels tight. he rolls his eyes and shakes his head, chest heaving with a heavy sigh. ❛ SPONTANEITY, huh? ❜ he laughs, but it lacks any trace of sincere amusement. instead it just sounds… tired. ❛ MAN WITH A PLAN? don’t make me laugh. ❜
HIS BLOOD TURNS COLD when steve elaborates. it is NOT what james wanted to hear and it does not help. he chokes, head spinning and words thick on his tongue. ❛ that plan needs some serious work. ❜ the legs of his chair scrap rather loudly against the floor, and for a moment, he is confused. he realizes he is moving? mind && body are completely disjointed, out - of - sync and disconnected. before he is even consciously aware, he is already half - way out of the room, legs shaking and struggling to keep him upright. paling and breaking out in a cold sweat, james tries swallowing passed the nausea clogging his throat, eyes wide and searching. where are you going, barnes? he does not have an answer. he doesn’t know, he just needs to… move.
TIME SLIPS AWAY AGAIN, and when he comes to ( seconds / minutes later? ) he finds himself tucked in a dark corner of his bedroom, knees drawn to his chest, heart POUNDING against his chest, fear still TOXIC on his tongue and body locked tight.
the smile on steve’s lips never reaches his eyes, he’s not even truly aware of the grimace he must be making as he looks at his friend and takes his mock with pride. he wishes that he could make bucky laugh and that they could go back to easier days, but there was no point in getting lost in the ghost of the past now. --- brooklyn felt like a lifetime ago now.
an apology and an agreement are muttered in response to bucky’s words, but the man is up on his feet and leaving the kitchen already. for some reason, steve thinks it is best to let him go. give him a moment or two. --- he can’t stay away for too long, though. the fear of going after bucky only to see that he’d long gone a constant companion to steve’s every single thought.
he turned the stove off, knowing better than to assume either of them would be able to eat anything in the forsaken future, and finally followed after him. the door is open, but steve chooses to call for bucky’s name rather than to knock or to just walk in. the most difficult part of all of this is not only that steve does not know how to properly help bucky, but that he doubts bucky even knows what he’d need at this time to calm him down and ground him. ------ they are trying to understand this together. steve spends every waking second thinking about their interactions, analysing every twitch of bucky’s muscles in an attempt to decide what made him feel uncomfortable and what, rather than helping, at least didn’t make matters worse.
“ i know you don’t trust yourself half as much as i do, but i need you to trust me, bucky. --- not today. not in five minutes. but ... one day, maybe?” he’s leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed in front of his chest to hide the way his knuckles turn white with the force he balls his hands into fists.
notacircusmonkey reblogged
“ there’s no one around, ” bucky started softly, the late night ferry was quiet on deck even as the waves of the water slapped against the bulk of the exterior but here, under the night sky with no one standing close or with them on the surface and the dark hiding them from prying eyes was how bucky found it within him to slip closer. closer than they would have dared at any other time that wasn’t the privacy of their own apartment. he had been mesmerized by steve for what felt like eternity, watching the way that the moonlight touched his face, painted shapes against his skin. how it reflected in his eyes when he looked at him and he reached for him, fingers tracing through his hair as he pressed his other to his waist and pushed until he had him crowded against the rail of the ship. “ you can kiss me now. ” // @notacircusmonkey
steve had been more quiet than he usually was, mind rushing ahead of him as he tried his hardest and his best to avoid getting lost in bucky’s eyes. --- he wasn’t sure what exactly it was, or whether it was the collaboration of many, many little things, but for some reason, steve couldn’t help it but feel almost shy around bucky. stealing glances, rather than giving in and memorizing every single line on his face so he could draw him later. his heart was beating rapidly, cheeks burning; the bright color barely hidden by the moonlight as bucky stepped closer. he couldn’t help it but smile and arch his brows, silence still wrapped around them gently as bucky moved closer and pushed steve back. it would have been a scene right out of one of the romance book hadn’t it been for bucky’s big mouth. any tension left his body immediately and laughter began to softly shaking his body. “ can i? ” steve was still laughing when he reached up to put one hand on bucky’s chest and the other under his chin. “ interesting. ‘cause, ya know, i really don’t remember saying i’d want to kiss you. ”
PSA: MELA WHERE R U?
the promises of my return have been nothing but empty promises so far. soz fams. life is kinda hectic and busier than i thought . p.s. i didn’t even remember how to lower-case anymore. that’s my life now. that’s how long i’ve been gone... it took me like 10 seconds of combination pushing and trying to find the real one...
notacircusmonkey reblogged
What do you know about pain, Steve?
NOTHING.
casualtyloss
I hope that you never forget that you are valued, loved, and appreciated. Always remember that there are people out there who love you, and who are thrilled to see you on their dash. You are an amazing person and wholly unique in the universe. You are you, and that makes you irreplaceable. Never forget that.
this is so adorable! thank you very much
notacircusmonkey reblogged
ebvenom:
most speculated a country hero turned dangerous man, but eddie felt no FEAR standing before the other. it might be the makings of insanity, but all he saw was someone doing what they thought was right. its why he needed this. NEEDED this story for his slowly failing career. eddie stood his ground, knowing this chase wouldn’t let up until steve caved. and thankfully, it ended as soon as it started. he had agreed to dinner.
‘ I will HAPPILY treat you to however many dinners you’ll let me, steve. ‘ he quipped in return, surprisingly AMUSED at his stubborness and unwillingness to co-operate with the request use of casual names. ‘ I’d prefer it if it takes more then a few – I already have a feeling you’re EXCELLENT company. ‘ following that with directions and a time for his apartment this Friday night.
He hadn’t promised to come. He’d promised to try to make some time to come, there was a grant difference in that that Steve hoped Eddie would understand. Nevertheless, just because he insisted on Eddie not expecting him to come, didn’t mean that he wasn’t planning on coming. It was Friday evening and Steve made his way inside Eddie’s place using the fire escape and a poorly closed and locked window to enter.
He decided to stand in the middle of the room that appeared to be the livingroom, back towards the wall so he could watch the window and the door with a mere tilt of his head as he waited for Eddie.
notacircusmonkey reblogged
THE ROOM WAS DARK, and yet… he swore, steve’s ( silly, stupid, drunken, cheesin’ ) smile could LIGHT UP an entire universe. bucky found himself enamored, caught staring at the brilliance of such a RADIANT smile, an honest grin slowly spreading across his own. he thought the sound of steve’s easy laughter could chase away every single one of his demons. believed the WARMTH of his soul could melt even the deepest, coldest mountains in siberia. everything about this man was gentle and kind and GOOD, and for whatever reason, it made barnes’ chest ache. it was just - it had been so long since he saw steve in such a JOYOUS state. hell - even if it was due to inebriation, buck did not care. not if it meant steve smiling and laughing and loosening up ;; not if it meant steve was happy, pink peppering the apples of his cheeks.
————— fiercely BEAUTIFUL, that was what his old friend was. barnes had always thought so, ( he thinks? ) even back in the day. before the CAPTAIN, before the serum, before the shield. back when all steve rogers had was his GRIT and spunk and steadfast beliefs ( in a BETTER world ) ;; that STUBBORN morality that seemed to always get him ( && james ) into trouble. he could hardly remember… and yet, thinking about it, james found himself momentarily overwhelmed by a sudden flare oflostmemory… the memory of a smaller steve, with bony shoulders and a skinny face, but still with that same kind, BRIGHT smile and dazzling eyes and he knew, buck knew he was right.
STEVE HAD ALWAYS BEEN BEAUTIFUL.—-you might be in trouble, james barnes.
HEAVY HANDS REACHED FOR HIS, demanding - and the sight of steve’s long, artist fingers laced together with his own had barnes smiling once again. his hands probably REEKED of gunfire and metal, and were still rough and calloused from the mission. glancing down, he could make out the fresh scabs of split knuckles ( some fights were unavoidable ) but he did not pull away from steve’s desperate grasp. no, he allowed himself a moment to look, a moment to INDULGE - although the juxtaposition between steve’s softness and his… unsightliness made his smile turn just a shade sadder. still, he squeezed back in all hopes of being somewhat reassuring. ❛ no, of course not. PROMISE. ❜
LACKING ANY OUNCE OF GRACE, the big oaf continued to struggle in his endeavors to undress his poor self. towards the end, buck stepped in to help again, chuckling softly as he pulled the shirt off and dropped it onto the floor. alright, that was enough for now. tie and dress shirt were off, as too were both shoes. the guy still had his belt and trousers on, but thinking about the FIASCO that might cause convinced him to push it off. maybe at least until steve had passed out for the night. steve went down like a ton of bricks, and barnes let out a grateful exhale. he grabbed the soft duvet lain across the bottom of the bed and helped draped it over steve’s lap and legs.
THE INVITATION HAD BARNES PAUSING, steel - colored eyes considering the spot steve was offering to him. he hesitated for a half - second, uncertain - while he contemplated his choices, teeth anxiously pinching at the meat of his bottom lip. in the end though, james huffed and rolled his eyes, bending down to unlace his own shoes and tug them off. ❛ scoot over more, you big lush. all the way on the bed. ❜ james sat down, bending his leg and tucking his left ankle beneath his right knee. he kept the leg farthest away from steve dangling off the end of the bed, every - so - often sweeping the bottom of his socked foot gently against the wooden floor. leaning back, he settled against the headboard, getting as comfortable as he could, arms folded casually across his chest.
the question had him glancing over, exhaling softly, but smiling still - although the corners of his mouth dipped slightly, tense and tired. ❛ mission was fine. ❜ he supplied, offering a noncommittal shrug. focus drooped away from steve, falling to his lap. ❛ they needed someone who could navigate through an old hydra safe - house. someone who knew the ins - and - outs. there were a few nasty surprises waiting inside. ( fucking hydra ) nothing i couldn’t handle though. ❜ tilting his head, he was quick to open his mouth back up and quickly add, ❛ and no. no serious injuries. some scrapes. a few bruises. the worst of it is just–sore muscles && a headache. so you can relax, okay? ❜
chewing on his lip, he allowed the silence to settle for a brief moment before cocking his head and shifting the focus back to his best friend, easy smile turning playful. ❛ you have FUN tonight? for once? ❜
steve had never been the one to see what others saw in him; never understood why bucky stuck with him through all the troubles he’d dragged them through. never understood why bucky choose to be his friend even once they grew old enough to have a choice asides from being in the same class and bucky being the unfortunate fool to bring steve his homework. --- to this day he wonders what it is that bucky saw in him. (what erskin saw in him. what peggy or howard saw in him ... what all these people see in him... but it’s different. none of them have ever seen steve for who he really is. none of them had been around on a fever-ish night when steve was miserable and it was the third cold in two months he had to fight. no one was around to clean out the cuts in steve’s knuckles left behind from a punch aimed so high and so fast that he almost broke the jaw of a guy twice his size. bucky had seen all that and chosen to still be his friend. --- he’d seen worse and he’d seen better. and tonight, he was left witnessing this chaos, and steve just couldn’t stop himself from smiling.)
he didn’t need to understand it, though, which was the beauty of it all. there was no point in arguing that steve was not half as good a man as bucky thought just like there was no point in arguing that bucky was, to steve, the best friend anyone could ever ask for, and a kind soul forced into a rough shell. ------ bucky was everything. the past, the present, and the future. he was the turning point where happiness and sadness met. he was the one that made steve feel the most alive while at the same time making him feel like a ghost; living a dream, or wandering through an afterlife... maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the excuse of the alcohol, but either way, steve didn’t care about much more than the presence and the warmth of bucky’s body now on the bed with him.
steve had moved over and turned onto his back, making as much room for bucky as possible without falling off the bed himself. with his chin lifted and gaze focused upon bucky’s features, he watched him. --- he looked like a portrait in black and white in that moment. the lines blurring and the shadows claiming most of his face for themselves rather selfishly.
it was only due to the seriousness of the topic, that steve could even focus on bucky’s voice rather than listening to it like a child might listen to a lullaby before passing out. --- no serious injuries. he’d have to convince himself of that in the morning, considering that ‘serious injuries’ could easily mean anything from losing a limb to getting a paper cut.
with his own mind still clouded; body acting way faster than his mind, steve had already reached out to take bucky’s hand, tugging at it just until he could comfortable be playing with his finger and the roughed up parts from where he laid. “ yeah. ” --- the smile was dimmed, brows slightly furrowed. if possible, he would much rather attend to every single one of Bucky’s mission or do them for him, but he knew better than to even dream of such a nonsense. “ it would have been more fun with you. ” it shouldn’t be this easy to slip into comfort after their kiss; and yet, it was. it was as if they’d never done anything else in their lives than to share a bed and talk... “ you were supposed to come back sooner. --- weren’t you? something must have gone wrong. ”
notacircusmonkey reblogged
uncomfortable-eyes
oh, yes, hello everybody. it’s mela straight from the UK.
life has been good. exhausting, really, but i’m settling in slowly. even got a 2 week break in 2 weeks which is probably a bad thing for my activity here; since i just got settled in enough to have time around the evenings but... yeah! all in all, i’m still alive, i’ve got a lot of motivation to write, i need to work on my tags, and you should just throw things my way to reply to in my freetime or come plot with me!
i am planning on replying to pretty much everything i owe; i will not be dropping any threads without further notice, so if there is a thread you want me to get to asap, link me to it and i will!
notacircusmonkey reblogged
“ still … it must’ve been strange. ” roman said carefully, while it wasn’t the first time that the topic of steve’s miraculous rescue from the ice had been brought up, it was the first time that roman tried to get a little deeper with steve about it. steve had a habit of brushing over the ordeal, of pretending as if things were okay, like he wasn’t a man quite literally pulled from time. he supposed they had that in common, the knee jerk reaction to pretend like they didn’t have problems, like there was nothing that could touch them because they couldn’t afford to get hurt, to have trouble with coping in being back in the world.
there were some days that roman felt as if he was back at the orphanage, trapped in that small dark room alone and others when he felt like he was back in the field. dust storms choking him under the heat of the sun, gunfire zipping over his head as if he were transported into a different world where pizza and tv were as foreign to him as magic.
“ one minute you’re in the middle of a war thinking you’re going to die and the next you’re waking up … here. ” // @notacircusmonkey spontaneous starter !!
it wouldn’t be quiet right to say that steve didn’t like talking about his entire situation. --- it is that people struggle with more serious issues than ‘surviving’. it doesn’t seem right to even think about questioning this. not with all those, who’d fallen during the war. he believed that there was a reason for all of this, that, somehow, even though the world had long moved on from captain america, he was still needed. he believed in god’s plan. that didn’t mean he understood it.
all he could do was try his hardest, fight his best, and make sure to do as much good as he could. protect those who couldn’t protect themselves and fight those trying to turn the world into a more violent and brutal place. he felt like that is exactly what he was doing here. --- with shepherd and roman and their team.
this wasn’t the first time roman spoke about any of this, and steve knew it wouldn’t be the last. that didn’t change anything about his everlasting reaction to these words, though. just a shrug of his shoulder as he pretended to care about what was happening on the screen before them. --- it might have been the way roman spoke, the fact he had brought it up one too many times, or the lack of entertainment provided by the TV, but steve turned to face roman after his dismissive shrug. he didn’t say anything; barely tilted his head and arched his brows in a manner that was supposed to encourage Roman to go on. --- It wasn’t a question. Roman was talking more to himself then he was actually talking to Steve, lost between imagining what steve must feel like and what he probably would feel like in that very situation. (Maybe it was due to the many times Steve hadn’t bothered telling him much more than ‘I’m fine’ when asked, or maybe Roman, too, was bored by the TV.)
still not back. --- will be back soon, though. let me get through this weekend and the next week, too, and then i’ll be around.
when u accidentally click on your saved tap of tumblr and see your icon. hot damn, steve, srsly. i love my icon.
#ooc#also take this as a psa#my tags are broken but i am alive#i'm getting settled down in the UK#literally just moved from germany monday evening so gimme some time#my icon still looks amazing#i do not plan on dropping ANYTHING i owe; i'll make my way through them slowly#love me; miss me; be patient with me#i got like 50+ ims waiting for me to scroll through; too; so i guess if you need me urgent#sent me an ask or reply to this post!#psa
i meant to be around more but it’s not exactly possible atm. i have my oral exam in mathematics next monday (23th) but after that, i’ll be around for a while to give you guys my love and shitty writing!
notacircusmonkey reblogged
Happy 100th Birthday Steve Rogers 🎉🎉
notacircusmonkey reblogged
i forgot it was steve’s birthday, but sam didn’t
notacircusmonkey reblogged
Happy 100th Birthday, Steve!