ig: mchllthr

yeaaah yeaaah

What’s the next move? 😜

I found out that one of my friends from middle school committed suicide yesterday morning. All I thought about was how sweet, happy, and caring he always was. I had flashbacks of all the times we laughed our asses off in class, that one time he told me he liked me (which was awkward bc I had a crush on his best friend lmao) and the time when I got my first job at the same grocery store he worked at and how much fun he made it. Although we didn’t really talk anymore after middle school, he’d still acknowledge me in the hallways. He always had such a great group of friends who were all so supportive and sweet and had a girlfriend who he looked so happy with as well. I can only imagine what he was hiding behind his generosity and compassion.

I had a dream last night that I was in class with him again. He was what I remembered him as--always laughing, being supportive, making me feel comfortable and welcomed, and making sure I was being included. I did not feel sad at all in the dream or when I woke up, so I hope that’s a sign that he is now at peace.

baking is my love language

oh ya I cut my bangs again

ooooookkkkiiiiieeeeee

i have been feeling loved and so full of love lately. a lot of good things have been happening and a lot of exciting things are coming my way, and i’m trying really hard to feel like this is all well-deserved, but i can’t help but feel so suspicious of it today. my parents talked to me the other day, telling me that they’re proud of how independent and responsible i am, but to continue working hard and be determined until i graduate because they want me to live a rly full life. tbh i haven’t felt depressed in a while, so i’m kinda surprised these thoughts are making an appearance literally the night i go to puerto rico with my bf and his family lol. i was so depressed and suicidal when i was younger, so i never pictured myself even making it this far in life. and now that im here, it’s still hard for me to picture reaching certain milestones that have yet to come my way. i still can’t picture myself ever getting married, having my own kids, owning my own house, etc. even though it’s all something i dream and would love to have every single day. it just seems so unrealistic for me, but it’s like i continue to keep doubting my worth and in my self to think these are things i won’t be able to achieve. i feel so lonely in my thoughts sometimes. even when spending the holidays with family, being surrounded with so much love, and to feel and know that i am loved, i still feel so lonely in my thoughts. i do not know how to feel worthy and loved on my own, i thrive the most when i am surrounded by people i love, yet constantly feel so alone and sometimes, not even in a bad way. idk where i am getting at with this, but i can’t help but feel like i won’t ever be satisfied with myself.