Declan doesn’t want to think that the friends he made were military specific. Sure, there are some guys that he probably won’t see or hear from again. People he didn’t grow all that close to, but will remember as far as that one guy he once laughed with or talked to briefly. But, then there are others. Others that he felt at least somewhat of a friendship building between them. Where he thought that he could see himself hanging out with them outside of work, outside of Iraq. Tunny was someone he counts as a friend. And if this were him, he thinks that he’d want his friends or family to be around. And fuck, it’s not easy to so much as consider that, he knows he can’t really imagine what it’s like. He can make assumptions, he can figure it as far as an empathetic person could, but he’ll never know what it’s like. Declan doesn’t thrive on his own though. And even though he knows that there are people that crave solitude to some extent, he thinks that there’s still some kind of need for human contact, whatever form that takes. People tend to need other people.
And he feels like he’d be some kind of fucked up person if he didn’t think about his friends when they’re stuck in some military hospital, lucky to even be alive and so not lucky in any other way.
He just hopes that he’s not making it worse somehow, by not knowing what to say or how to say much of anything. He’s not the type that loses words easily. It takes a lot to dry up his throat. And he thinks that it’s normal, that no one in this situation really knows what to say. And if there’s a correct way to address what happened, he doesn’t have some kind of guideline in front of him. How disingenuous would that be anyway? It’s not that he sees anyone different when he looks at Tunny. He’s still the same guy to him. But, when someone’s been through shit, there’s that natural pause in what to say or do. “Yeah, sure,” he says, nodding before he moves from his place to sit down. Honestly, there was never really much question as to whether or not he should show up. No decision to make about how to spend his time. “Figured there were more important things than sitting on my ass and readjusting.”
tunny talks a lot of shit; he always has, for as long as he can remember, making noise for the sake of it, saying bullshit he doesn’t really believe, anything that’ll bury his true feelings, his real heart. he’s always wished he didn’t have one of those, after all. he’s always wished he was really as callous as he tries to seem to be, ‘cause the only thing caring does is hurt. it hurts him. so when he says he doesn’t care that nobody’s come to visit him, it’s bullshit. sure, it’s of his own doing --- he could have gotten over his fear or pride or whatever it is that has put up a giant wall between himself and jingletown, and called will --- but he’s still lonely. sometimes the tears he cries at night aren’t just due to the pain. sometimes it seems as though he’s gonna be alone forever, and it makes any future beyond the next day seem impossible, all the lights switched off. some people can see ahead forever, can’t they, can see themselves being ninety. tunny’s surprised he made it past nineteen. most days, he wishes he hadn’t. especially now. what the fuck has he got going for him now?
he’s alone, and he’s broken, and what was already a fucked up life has gotten worse.
declan being his friend, declan coming to see him, is something tunny never even contemplated. he liked the guy, but they weren’t buddies for very long---and tunny’s considered himself alone, and unworthy of love. where the fuck are his best friends, huh? some guy he met in the army is here before them? (he’s a friend, not just some guy. he’s a friend, and tunny’s grateful. awkward as hell and embarrassed by his missing left leg, but more grateful than he’ll ever be able to say that declan’s here, making him think that maybe, just maybe, he ain’t as awful as he considers himself. he wouldn’t come out here for a guy he didn’t like, right?) tunny’s not alone. for a little while, he’s not alone. ❝ important’s a bit of an exaggeration. ❞ tunny has never once been important. not to anyone. not even to his own parents. ❝ i’m glad you came. even though all the fucking shrinks say readjusting is important. ❞
