It feels like all my years of therapy for this issue were nothing. Like all of them are all alright and I'm the only one still getting anxious about it... And I'm supposed to be the one who destroyed them... But in reality they destroyed me...

Thank you. Thank you and sorry. Sorry I was a terrible girlfriend, and that we had a terrible breakup, and that i distanced myself from you so harshly. I didn't know how to react, and my first instinct is to run away from things I can't quite understand.

I appreciate all the time we had as best friends, I loved you with all my heart, and i wanted us to be best friends forever.

But forever sometimes can last just a moment.

I wish it didn't.

I wish that our moments had lasted forever. I wish that you last forever. That you never encounter any ill.

Remember, you can't die. You have such a bright future ahead of you, you just have to grab it.

I'm writing this letter not to tell you what you should've fixed to be better, or what you did wrong. I'm here to tell you I'm sorry. I miss you sometimes. But I also know we're good as we are.

You have your group of friends, and I don't belong there anymore.

It's been hard for me to open up to anyone else as a best friend (hard shoes to fill when i had a very caring and loving boy looking after me), but I came to realize I didn't need to replace you.

Your spot as best friend has been frozen in time, where i can look back and say "wow i was so loved" and feel warm and happy.

I am loved now too. Just in a different way. In a new way. And sometimes new is also good.

I can't go back to those times. I can't fix everything I've said, or done. And even if I did, it would all be... Different.

So I write to you hoping that you'll keep growing. Being beautiful and amazing. Keep that beard game going strong! It looks very dope.

If i want to laugh at me, if you want to roll your eyes. If you want to share my letter with your friends and laugh about me, you can totally do so. I don't mind.

I only mind that you're reading this now and that you know that you were loved, even if i was terrible at communicating things back then.

Thank you for being my best friend ever.

Sincerely, Camila

Dear You

First of all, thank you for the time we had together. All the good ones, the bad, the frustration, the laughs and all the love we gave to each other. Second of all, I am sorry. I am sorry for falling in love with you, for not noticing it sooner. If I had maybe I would've treated you like you deserved, I would've loved you more. And I don't even know if you ever loved me back. But even if you didn't, if I had realized sooner I would've done something about it, even if we just stayed as friends, I would have done more to please you and make you happy.

That's what I would've done, which I of course didn't. Instead I tried to pull you in, then you pushed me away, then you tried to reach me, and then i shoved you to the side. We had been on this push and pull for so long, and I was so confused on why I felt so affected by everything you did or say, that it was easier to just not think about it. Not think about you, not talk with you, take you away from me.

It sucks, i know i didn't do well.

And I'm not here to tell you where you did wrong, because this letter is not to pinpoint the flaws you had at the time since I believe that you have grown as well as I have, and that none of us are the same as we were before.

Which is why I write this letter to tell you: i don't love you anymore. This present you, at least. And it's not because i stoped loving you, it's because I stoped knowing you.

You're a brand new person, stronger, more secure. I can see it, even from this distance. I know you still like the same band, yet I don't really know much else. You still like anime? Yea sure. You still love animals? Of course you do. Do you still love your friends and will fight anyone for them? Absolutely. But... What else? I don't really know.

What's your view of the lgbtq+ community, your new life plans, your family issues, your personal issues, your romantic life, your new obsession, your new perspective of yourself, the story of your new hair!!!

The new you is unknown to me. And the new me is unknown to you.

I remember how we said we were soul mates. I wonder if soulmates can break apart forever, or if they come back at some point.

I believe the past you was the soulmate to the past me. They lived what they had to live and had a tragic ending.

I still love that you of the past. With all of my fucking damn heart. With the same intensity and longing as before.

Yet, there is no going to the past. And I have already moved on. There is no more past you to love. And i have a new someone to love.

With this letter I'm not telling you to let me go back to you, to accept me and start over. I am definitely not. You are probably better off without me as your best friend as much as I am. And I couldn't bear to hear what all the people you talked about me with had to say if we started an intimate relationship again. I know your friends and family dislike me. At least that's how it was the last time i checked.

It just doesn't feel like it would go well.

What I really want is to wish you the best. To let you know that even unintentionally I think of your well-being. Because at that time I removed myself from everyone because I thought it easier if you were the one being supported. Let one hate me, let another hate me, other and other, let all of them turn their back on me. But I didn't want them turning their back on you. And here im talking like i control all of their actions and not like they did that on their own... Yes i know they chose to support you, but I didn't want to fight it either. I felt that I deserved to be the bad guy. I had the guts to endure it

(Spoilers: i didn't, really)

Maybe it was a little arrogant and selfish, just thinking you needed the support more than me, and that i could just get new friends, yet that's still how it happened.

You made a stronger bond with them, i moved on, tried to stop thinking about you and me and them, tried to just get over my actions because i couldn't undo them.

Though even after all this time... It's hard to do so. You look so mature, and so stunning. I'm sure that in whatever you do you will succeed. Even from the outside i give you my support and send all the best vibes your way

I hope we can keep having contact as we have been doing this past few encounters: cordially, occasional, simple. Without any sorrows or regrets or any bad blood in between.

Thank you for interacting with me whenever we meet. I am always super excited to talk to you and extremely happy to see you enjoy yourself with the other people.

Well then. I wish you the best and I hope we can smile to each other one day and only think about the good and the neutral stuff. The stuff that just makes you go "right, that's why we were friends"

With this I end this long ass letter.

Yours truly, Camila

Why would i ever want to be anything if I'm not everything

It's more fun writing and thinking about the bad stuff. Thinking of the good stuff makes the bad ones seem like something silly. But I still feel sad, so it isn't silly.

Will I take these sadness to my grave? Will I learn to live with it?

I wish... I wish that you had loved me the same way I did. Even if it was just for a day. Without guilt, without fear. Just love. Pure and true.

Just a wish

I'm sorry I confessed my love to you. You must've been very uncomfortable. I guess I am proficient in fucking things up.