I am learning so much from my therapist, but also from my relationship with her. She has built such trust and understanding and comfort that even my interactions with her are part of the work we're doing. I find myself open, trusting, not at all angry.

anxiety has never been as bad as in the past few months, to the point that for the first time in my life, i am actually tired of just living in my head. to be swept up in paranoia every couple of weeks. to live in fear that something horrible is going to happen to me or the people i love. that people are angry at me. and the panic attacks, and the compulsive stuff. the intrusive thoughts. hating myself because i keep myself from living. because other people will realise that I am just crazy and irrational and not fun to be around.

but then i ask for help. to my best friend, to my therapist, to my dad's best friend who is a doctor and always offers to check anything that worries me, however small. and they don't judge. they help. and most importantly, they just make it all feel so normal. they acknowledge and validate how I feel and take the time to listen, explain, and reassure me with such incredible kindness and grace that i feel saved. thank you.

my dad (a therapist) has given me the piece of advice I needed. I told him about what I feel is making me so unhappy, and how I feel like it's all just happening to me. he listened, acknowledged how I was feeling, and then just said "so what are you going to do about it?" since then, I feel like myself a bit more.

I was talking to M the other day, and I realised, my mood lately entirely depends on work. It's been the one and only thing I've been thinking about, the only thing I've worked on, and so my days and my mood have been entirely depending on that. My fluctuations of satisfaction and anxiety, they entirely depend on how the past couple of hours of work have been. My downtime in the evening is a matter of self-soothing and keeping myself from thinking about work. I never really switch off. I got caught up in this thing. And in the meantime, I forgot that it is one of the things. Things I enjoy. I forgot to take care of myself and take time for a multitude of things in my life. I can finish work and ponder how it went that day. I can invest focus and energy and emotions in it. But not like it's the thing.

me having a bad day = me ordering all the young dudes in print.

reappropriated, queer harry potter universe is what got me through the pandemic. at 28, yes.

so, here’s the situation. I feel like I’ve completely forgotten how to do research and I’m just stuck and petrified. I had a huge block around a year ago, I managed to get out of it. I wrote for an exercise, and then, by November, I had a chapter and it was great and I was feeling so motivated and enthusiastic and loving what I was doing. Since then, nothing. I haven’t done one thing that I’ve been able to finish, I feel like I’m scrambling for ideas, putting together awkward thoughts and find no tools to expand on them and turn them into something. I forgotten how to do this and I don’t know what to do. Ugh.

Today I’m writing at the online library with friends. We sit down with our cameras on and just write, as if we were in a library. We measure our work time intuitively, chatting and taking breaks when we need to, supporting each other. They truly are responsible for fostering one of the most supportive and beautiful environments I’ve found during my PhD. Today I’m valuing my own insights and interests and my writing flow. I’m honouring my instinct and creativity instead of having my supervisors favourite question, ‘so what?’ in mind, and instead of focusing on the production of something new. Academia is quite beautiful, when done like this.

I just miss the world and things. I’ve just been going from one isolation to the next.

doing that thing again where I don't really feel joy anymore I don't really enjoy anything, especially doing my phd, so I open Tumblr again and do a life and phd journal. somehow it’s always helped me access things that I enjoy without worrying too much.

milestones: restarting phd journal. 

Thank you therapist for telling me off for the right reasons.